Style Invitational Week 1049: Movie ratings for what really matters, plus questionable songs
By Pat Myers,
Rated XY: Nothing but car chases and explosions from opening to closing credits. Women may appear but only in four-inch heels.
Rated P: Features scenes of men talking at a urinal or women between toilet stalls, in an effort to convey intimacy and realism on a 12-foot-tall movie screen with huge loudspeakers.
Rated AS: For Adam Sandler Stupidity, which covers 99 percent of the Sandler oeuvre.
Three hundred thirty-nine-time Loser Jeff Contompasis thinks we need more specific ratings to help us avoid the particular things that bother us in the movies. This week: Come up with a new movie rating and describe it, perhaps with a humorous example of what a movie with that rating would contain.
Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, just in time for New Year’s Eve (maybe), a Fashion Two-Pack: First, yet another little shoe-polish-size can of Instant Underpants; you put them in water for a few minutes and they expand into a full-size pair of underpants. Of course, they’d be wet underpants, but you might not be too picky if you’re turning to these things. Donated by Andrea Kelly. AND, if you don’t care for briefs, a pair of Magic Boxer Shorts — 100 percent cotton — that are compressed into a boxer-short shape approximately the size of a deck of cards. Same thing with the water. Donated by Elden Carnahan. (See a video of the expanding pants at bit.ly/magicboxers.)
Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po’ Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to email@example.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 9; results published Dec. 29 (online Dec. 26). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 1049” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Mae Scanlan; the alternative headline in the “next week’s results” line is by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev, and click “like” on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at bit.ly/inkofday.
Report from Week 1045
in which we asked you to quote a song title or a line from a song and supply a question that that line might answer. Just about everyone who entered had a question about Congress to be answered by “Send In the Clowns,” and every other person used “The Fool on the Hill.” The lyrics quoted below have links you can click on to see what songs they’re from.
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:
From “Ain’t No Sunshine”:
A. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know . . .
Q. Didn’t I say you couldn’t stop a moving helicopter rotor by yourself? (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)
Winner of the “King of Thrones” promotional toilet-shaped coffee mug:
From Bruce Springsteen’s “The River”:
A. I got Mary pregnant, and man that was all she wrote.
Q. God, in the whole history of creation, does any event particularly stand out to You? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
3. From “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics:
A. Who am I to disagree?
Q. What do you think about Flushing, New York? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
4. From “Imagine” by John Lennon:
A. Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can.
Q. With this kind of drug record, how do you expect me not to send you to jail this time? (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)
SEND IN THE CLOWNS: HONORABLE MENTIONS
There were plants and birds and rocks and things.
Q. What is the typical student report from a field trip to the Smithsonian Natural History Museum? (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Fight for old D.C.
Q. What item is low on the agenda of the Native American Political Action Committee? (Mark Raffman)
All the sweet green icing flowing down . . .
Q. Why was Timothy Leary so afraid of birthday cakes? (Larry Gordon, Potomac, Md.)
Every day of your life, for as long as you live.
Q. How often are you going to remind me of my indiscretions, Huma? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
West Virginia mountain momma.
Q. In Wheeling, what follows “Your momma so easy, all the men in . . .”? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
“I Can’t Help but Wonder Where I’m Bound”
Q. What did Anastasia Steele say when her amnesia cleared up? (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.)
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there’ll be sun.
Q. What’s unwise of you to do when the weatherman says that tomorrow there’ll be sun? (Danielle Nowlin)
You can tell by the way I use my walk.
Q. What makes you think my dog has been pooping on your lawn? (Larry Gray)
I’m takin’ a Greyhound on the Hudson River Line
. . .
Q. Why are you wearing two ammo belts? (Edward Gordon, Austin)
I’m standin’ on a corner in Winslow, Arizona, with such a fine sight to see . . .
Q. Jack, you know you can’t get discovered by performing to a traffic camera, don’t you? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)
I wanna hold your hand.
Q. “Will you please hold my . . . ?” (Heather Spence, New York)
The one with the waggly tail.
Q. We have a complaint of lewd behavior. Which one is Miley Cyrus? (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
I looked around and I noticed there wasn’t a chair.
Q. Why did you walk off the stage at the political debate, Mr. Eastwood? (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.)
You keep a-knocking but you can’t come in! Come back tomorrow night and try it again.
Q. Little Richard, what response did you get at healthcare.gov? (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
He’s watching us all with the eye of the tiger
. . .
Q. Really, the NSA chief had a cornea transplant done by a veterinarian? (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.)
The seal says ow ow ow.
Q. So, Jacques, can you summarize a Canadian seal hunt? (Bird Waring)
I will follow him, follow him wherever he may go . . .
Q. What is the first lesson they teach in Bratty Little Brother School? (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles)
“I Gotta Feeling.”
Q. What means “I must feeling?” (Jeff Contompasis)
I got you, Babe.
Q. What did Hank Aaron say as No. 715 sailed over the wall? (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)
I said, “Hey, honey, take a walk on the wild side.”
Q. Mr. Reed, why did Mother Teresa slap you in the face when you met her in Heaven? (Mark Raffman)
You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away, know when to run.
Q. How did you ever manage cloth diapers, Gram? (Barbara Turner; Steve Frantzich, Annapolis, Md.)
“Red Solo Cup.”
Q. What did Han wear to protect himself against low blows from Darth Vader? (Larry Gordon)
And the Jay-Z song was on, and the Jay-Z song was on, and the Jay-Z song was on . . .
Q. “So you think all the D.C. radio stations play the same stuff?” (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
You’re gonna have to serve somebody.
Q. What would make your birthday dinner special, Dr. Lecter? (Mark Raffman)
“That’s What Friends Are For”:
Q. Who would be the best model for my oatmeal box? (Michael Greene, Alexandria, Va.)
Something touched me deep inside.
Q. How did you feel about Virginia’s transvaginal ultrasound legislation? (Kevin Dopart)
They say that the road ain’t no place to start a family.
Q. Why don’t we do it in the road? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
Come on and safari with me.
Q. Mr. Cheney, what would you like to tell your many critics? (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)
It looks like it’s climbin’ clear up to the sky . . .
Q: What happens if you take a double dose of Viagra? (Beverley Sharp)
’Tis Grace hath brought me safe thus far, and Grace will lead me home.
Q. Do you have a designated driver? (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)
Oh, I can’t keep it in, I can’t keep it in, I’ve gotta let it out . . .
Q. Still sexting, Mr. Weiner? (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.)
There’s a bad moon on the rise.
Q. What do Creedence Clearwater Revival members tell guests who ask where they can find the facilities? (Danielle Nowlin)
This is my quest: to follow that star, no matter how hopeless, no matter how far.
“Why are you disregarding Heidi Klum’s lawyers and their restraining order?” (Brendan Beary)
We haven’t had that spirit here since 1969.
Q: Remember those groovy pep rallies we used to have here at the commune? (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.)
“Make Me Smile.”
Q. When Leonardo da Vinci picked “dare” instead of “truth,” what challenge did Lisa come up with for him? (Paul Burnham, Gainesville, Va.)
Q: What’s your favorite scene in “Star Trek: The Nude Generation XXX”? (Kevin Dopart)
Q. Do you ever think maybe there’s more to life than these stupid contests? (Brendan Beary)
Still running — deadline Monday night: Our perennial Ask Backwards contest, in which we give you 12 random answers and you tell us the questions. See bit.ly/invite1048.
See the Empress’s online column The Style Conversational (usually published late Thursday, but this week it’s late Wednesday), in which she discusses today’s new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you’d like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at firstname.lastname@example.org (note that in the subject line) and she’ll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there.