Week 730: Time-Wastes For Everyman

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Along with his entry for Week 726, Loser Russ Taylor of Vienna marveled at the amount of brainpower that must have gone into compiling the database at OEDILF.com, which now includes more than 43,000 limericks defining words in the Oxford English Dictionary -- and it's not even finished with the C's. "The OEDILF makes me think that there is a contest in describing activities that make entering The Style Invitational seem like a constructive use of one's time." Okay, seems as good a waste of effort as anything else.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the Float'n Firefly toothbrush, which besides containing a snow-globish thing in its handle, encourages extensive brushing by flashing red lights in your face for a full 60 seconds. What lovelier way to enjoy the peace of the early morning, now that Howard Stern is no longer on the free airwaves?

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 17. Put "Week 730" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 6. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Phil Frankenfeld of Washington. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Bruce Alter of Fairfax Station.

Report From Week 726

in which we sought limericks featuring words beginning with cl- through co-:

4 .If complacency strikes, you may find
That you're not the industrious kind.
Though your life could be better,
You're not a go-getter.
But so what? It's okay, you don't mind. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)

3. Does my constant repeating suggest
That I'm senile or totally stressed?
I forget what I've said
And it fills me with dread . . .
Does my constant repeating suggest . . . (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

2. the winner of the Swedish 2006 year-in-review and the Polish translation of Candace Bushnell's "4 Blondes":

At Communion, my soul staves off danger
All thanks to that kid from the manger.
If I nibble the Host
While forgetting the Ghost,
I'm just a poor wafering stranger. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

And the Winner of the Inker

Though we opened to critics' acclaim,
My play died in three days. I'm to blame,
Since the title, so vital
To any recital,
Was "Closed for Repairs" --
no one came. (Chris Strolin, Belleville, Ill.)


Cox was a cocky young coxswain
Who because of his heart took digoxswain.
He kept all his meds in
(And also his Keds in)
The boxswain which Cox kept his soxswain. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

"If I said that I hadn't a clue,
"Then, Watson, just what would you do?"
"Well, Holmes, I confess,
"I would probably guess!"
"Which is why, Watson, I am not you." (Richard English, Partridge Green, West Sussex, England)

At the precinct, I stopped up the flow on
All the urinals, toilets and so on.
But they've none to accuse.
As I left them no clues--
And the cops have got nothing to go on. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.)

The Donald's a whiz with a reel
And a shark when he's closing the deal.
His slippery morays
And conger-line forays
Appear in "The Dart of the Eel." (Chris Doyle)

I'll be very direct and succinct:
No, the coelacanth isn't extinct.
Its existence belies
The alleged demise
Ichthyologists formerly thinct. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

To clap is a signal of joy,
But the clap is a downer, my boy.
You go from erotic
To antibiotic
And pray for the pills you employ. (Jack Held, Fairfax)

As control freaks, we tend to dress neater,
And you'll find our suggestions concreter.
(A note to the editor:
Don't leave out the credit, or
Forget to check tone, rhyme and meter.) (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

Body bags, toe tags galore!
An examiner, medical? Sure!
If your morgue's small in size,
Hire one of our guys --
Check the buys at the coroner store. (Bob Dvorak, Saugerties, N.Y.)

"She's commando!" the paper reported.
The pictures were certainly sordid.
Her life's in a rut:
She's going bare-butt.
Britney's poor brain must have shorted. (Dan Colilla, Pittsburgh)

Said the captain, "I think there's a sick tie
" 'Tween this half-eaten foot and this licked eye.
"Arrest this guy Dahmer
"And once we get calmer,
"See what's left of the corpus delicti." (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.)

Glenn Close, who's a popular star,
Went into a Hollywood bar.
They told her, "My dear,
You can't smoke in here."
And so it was Close, no cigar. (Mae Scanlan)

The philosopher rolls in his grave;
Two millennia's wisdom and they've
Put it inside a cookie
You crack for a lookie:
"Confucius say: Oh, just behave!" (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

I'm a wonderful son of a gun.
Ascertainable flaws? I have none.
I'm handsome and tall,
Just the greatest of all.
(So reports a committee of one.) (Chris Doyle)

Father John's an unfortunate bearer
Of news that, by rites, should be rarer.
Seems a test will reveal
He's a father for real,
The result of a clerical error. (Chris Strolin)

Coprophiliacs, welcome! It's true
That the Invite appreciates poo.
And because you're well versed,
You may find yourself first,
But we know you'd prefer Number Two. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

How he preached of revolt loud and true,
But a coward was he through and through.
When the brave went ahead
And achieved what he'd said,
He'd absconded. Yes, he flew the coup. (Harvey Smith, McLean)

Armed with "facts," Mr. Tenet would stress:
"There's a threat we must quickly address.
"Send the troops, let's attack!
"Take us into Iraq!"
Was it counterintelligence? Yes. (Scott Campisi)

The verses of one William Cowper
Are thought, for their time, sowper-dowper.
Well, I tackled "The Castaway"
Once, and it fast away
Put me right into a stowper. (Mae Scanlan)

Though he sailed Spraddle Creek with bravado,
The asthmatic yet fierce desperado
Succumbed there at dockside
While mooring at Vail CO. (Chris Strolin)

One from Down Under, and pronounced accordingly:
When you dance the Brazilian samba,
All over your partner you clamba.
You're lithe and you're supple
Combined as a couple.
Exotic. Erotic. Caramba! (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand)

And Last:
Some fame that is finite and fleeting,
A shirt with a Loser-themed greeting,
A magnet so thin
It's as light as a pin --
Can't believe it's for these we're competing. (Chris Strolin)

If your appetite for limericks is merely whetted (rather than soaked through), read more Honorable Mentions.

Next Week: We Get a C-Section, or A Day Early, a Dollar 15 Short

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