RETURN TO MASTER CONTEST LIST



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Copyright The Washington Post Company Aug 7, 2005

For any offense whatever, members of Congress shall receive punishment on their large seats, delivered with a branch by a common criminal.

This week's contest, suggested by Peter Metrinko of Chantilly, was inspired by the new law, hustled through Congress by Founding Father Sen. Robert Byrd, that all 1.8 million federal employees, plus students at all schools receiving federal funds, must receive "educational and training materials" about the U.S. Constitution. Since so many Washingtonians will soon be perusing this foundation of our society for at least a whole minute, there ought to be at least a magnet in it for them: Write a new article or

amendment to the Constitution, using only the words contained in the existing document (including amendments). Remember, this is a humor contest, so don't get all passionate and screedy on us. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational

trophy. First runner-up gets, direct from Vietnam and donated by Loser Stephen Dudzik of

Olney, a bottle of genuine Snake Wine (One Unit). This is an actual bottle of clear wine that contains not only an entire dead cobra placed inside in the striking pose but also a dead

scorpion thrown in for extra medicinal value. "Usage: Rheumatism, Lumbago, Sweat of Limbs."

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 15. Put "Images/circlei3.gif" border=0>Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 4. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo.

Report from Week 618, in which we asked you to remedy -- in words set to a recognizable tune -- the lack of a memorable song the District can call its own. So, so many funny parodies. To stick somewhat to the subject of the city, as well as to winnow the number of worthies, the Empress tossed all submissions relating to a single national political news development (so sorry, Mr. Rove and Ms. Plame), though she used a number of songs about federal and congressional Washington in general. The best rhyme of the week came from Mike Murphy of Munhall, Pa., who rhymed "filibusterin' " with "Van Susteren." We'll spare you the rest of the song, however. In return, do take the opportunity to see the many more parodies on the Style Invitational page on washingtonpost.com.

{diam}Third runner-up:

To the middle of "Bohemian Rhapsody":

I see a vendor with a cutout of a man:

"Pres'den' Boosh! Pres'den' Boosh!

Would you like a nice photo?"

Tourists find delighting -- very, very frightening me.

"Take a photo, take a photo,

take a photo, take a photo" --

Can't you all please just go ho-o-o-ome?

(Eric Murphy, Chicago)

{diam}Second runner-up: To "Begin the Beguine":

When they descend on D.C.

The lobbyists swarm like flies on manure.

The city becomes an ethical sewer

When they descend on D.C.

They're with us once more, handing out treats

With junkets galore, and influence-peddling,

So much to abhor! Congressional meddling!

When they descend on D.C.

(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

{diam}First runner-up, winner of the CD "The Symphonic

Whistler": To "Midnight Train to Georgia":

Ooh, the Beltway proved too much for my van,

It's the hottest day of summer and I'm about to overheat.

'Cause I've got the AC cranking as I inch along in traffic;

I've been out here for an hour

And I ain't gone a hundred feet.

Nothing's movin' from Wisconsin out to Georgia.

Yeah the Inner Loop is gridlock, as it is most every day.

But I'm determined to make the best of my inertia;

I just suck in those exhaust fumes and pretend I'm in L.A.

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

{diam}And the winner of the Inker:

To "Anything Goes":

They come from Texas and Nebraska,

They're coming here from Alaska with resumes.

Everyone stays!

They say their stay is temporary,

That life here is just a very short passing phase -- Everyone stays!

They all love to schmooze today 'bout the news today,

Pass a bill today on the Hill today,

Get a spouse today and buy a house today.

And then they don't ever leave!

Some folks insist they miss home places

So full of familiar faces, where cattle graze

And everyone prays!

Though Bob Dole said he'd be

returning,

I never see Bob Dole yearning for

Kansas days.

Everyone stays!

(Barbara Sarshik, McLean)

{diam}Honorable Mentions

To "Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On":

Come on out to D.C., whole lotta takin' goin' on;

Palms getting greasy, those lobbyists know how to fawn.

I ain't fakin', whole lotta takin' goin' on.

When the slop starts a-flowin', ya gotta belly on up to the trough.

If Ethics wants to grill ya, just hold your head high and scoff.

And, if you're really, really cookin', you might find your own Abramoff. (Nick Curtis,

Gaithersburg)

To "A Wonderful Guy" from

"South Pacific":

Nothing's deader than D.C. in August

Once you see Congress adjourn and shut down.

That's just as well, 'cause it's hotter than hell

And we all want to clear out of town.

Atmosphere like an open-air sauna:

So stinking muggy you fear you could drown.

Patience runs out and all stand up and shout,

"I must leave, I must leave, I must leave, I must leave, I must leave from this horrible town!" (Brendan Beary)

To "It Don't Come Easy":

No vote in D.C., You got no vote in D.C.

You know that you will lose:

There's no senator to choose

'Cause you got no vote in D.C.

Don't bother to shout, you are just left out

'Cause you got no vote in D.C.

Taxation without representation:

Washington is second class

To the whole rest of the nation . . .

(Jeff Wadler, Ocean Pines, Md.)

To "New York, New York":

Start spinning the news, they're leaking today,

Right where they make an art of it: D.C., D.C.

They win or they lose, but still they all stay

And play their pompous parts in it. D.C., D.C.

I want to shake up those

loudmouth media creeps,

Then climb up Capitol Hill, and tell off those [bleeps]!

The Democrat Blues are whining, Reds say.

They both should put a sock in it --

In old D.C.

If they can fake it there,

they'll take it everywhere.

You know it's true! D.C., D.C.!

(Phil Berardelli and Jessie Thorpe, McLean)

To "Another Brick in the Wall":

We don't get no representation.

We don't get pothole patrols.

No learning goes on in our classrooms.

We ain't got no hope at all.

Hey! Congress! Leave us all alone!

(Gary Patishnock, Laurel)

To "Roxanne":

Glenmont,

you're now at the end of the Red Line.

My commute got shorter,

I don't have to drive that Pontiac of mine.

Glenmont,

I don't have to get no parking fine,

Ride the Metro to D.C.,

I don't care what it says on the street sign. . . . (Russell Beland, Springfield)

To "Walk Like an Egyptian":

Hear your con-gress-man, he cam-paigns

A-bout how god-aw-ful this place is.

If you don't send him back (oh-way-oh)

He'll just move here as a lobbyist.

All the tourist groups on the Mall

Wanna see the pandas, don't you know.

They don't move too quick (oh-way-oh) on the escalator to the Red Metro.

College kids with their internships say

Ay oh way-oh, ay oh way oh,

Let's go to Washington. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

See lots more Honorable Mentions on the Style Invitational page on

washingtonpost.com.


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