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Copyright The Washington Post Company Sep 5, 2004

Instead of placing fake dog vomit on Grandma's shawl, use the real stuff!

This week's contest was suggested unwittingly by an occasional Loser who sent in this lone entry for the contest whose results appear below: "In the year two thousand four / We lost our Czar and got a whore." Intrigued by this unusual method of seeking a prize, the Empress e-mailed the entrant and asked what might have prompted it -- whether she had ever done anything to him to justify such a characterization. He wrote back: "It was just a joke. No offense intended." This week, come up with some other unwise attempts at humor -- ones likely either to backfire or to create other unpleasant consequences. Here's another example: To amuse your wife, buy a pair of panties one size smaller than hers, and leave it in the laundry basket. When she tries to put them on, she'll think she's getting fatter! Of course everything will be fine when she realizes they aren't hers, and you'll both get a big laugh out of it!

First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins the book "Bad Hair," a collection of photos from those hilarious sample books in beauty salons, donated by Peter Owen of Arlington.

Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T- shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 13. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 3. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village.

Report from Week 570, in which we asked for rhyming couplets about historical events:

{diam}Fourth Runner-Up: 1776: Though Jefferson professed all men are equal at creation,

The only way he showed it was covert miscegenation. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

{diam}Third Runner-Up: 1513: Ponce de Leon sought the Fountain of Youth,

Looked near Miami -- not much of a sleuth. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

{diam}Second Runner-Up: 1981: "I am in charge here," asserted Al Haig.

(His grasp on the line of succession was vaig.) (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

{diam}First Runner-Up, the winner of the CD "Yodeling the Classics": 1905:

Freud's focus on sex left the people all stunned:

It was clearly the sign of a Sig, Sig mund. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

{diam}And the winner of the Inker: 1925:

Even though it's John T. Scopes whom they were really tryin',

Darrow made a monkey out of William Jennings Bryan. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

{diam}The annals of Honorable Mentions:

2697 B.C.: Let us recognize him to whom all Losers drink:

Tien-Lcheu, the ancient inventor of ink. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

480 B.C.:

Invading Greece, the haughty Xerxes

Looked around and sneered, "What jerks these!" (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)

399 B.C.:

Socrates lived as a shaker and mover,

Ended it all with the Hemlock Maneuver. (Chris Doyle)

In 79, Mount Vesuvius flashes,

Knocks those Pompeiians right on their

ashes. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)

1219-21: The Mongol invasions left

thousands to grieve.

Too bad Genghis Khan didn't underachieve. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

1300s: The Black Death once reigned,

all buboes and pus,

Reducing the people disgustingly thus.

(Jane Auerbach)

Chris Columbus sailed from Spain in 1492,

But it was a lousy year in Spain to be a Jew. (Marleen May, Rockville)

1517: On the door Herr Luther nailed

his 95 Theses,

Rarely has the fan been hit by so much feces. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.)

1519-22: Sailing all around the world,

Magellan gained a day.

It wasn't very useful, though: He died along the way. (Russell Beland)

1607: Smith was saved by Pocahontas

Before she knew she didn't want us.

(Barbara Holland, Bluemont, Va.)

1752, September 14,

Followed the 2nd with nothing between. (Danny Bravman, St. Louis)

1776: When Adam Smith wrote "The Wealth of Nations,"

He couldn't well know about the Haitians. (Russell Beland)

1793: "Let them eat cake," huffed

Marie Antoinette.

"Merci," they replied, and then cut off her tete. (Chris Doyle)

1793-94: Robespierre's Reign of Terror was huge:

The threat level rose from l'orange to le rouge. (Chris Doyle)

1861: Words were shot from North to South, but all was useless drivel.

Only when the bullets flew would war

be labeled "Civil."

(Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.)

1864:

Ulysses S. Grant brought the Union relief

(But would stink up the place as

commander in chief). (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

1865: Abe Lincoln was shot on a fateful spring day.

His wife never said what she thought of the play. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)

1876: Way back in the Centennial days,

Samuel Tilden got Gored by Hayes.

(Russell Beland)

1884, 1892:

What most folks know of Grover is, he reached the White House twice,

Though everybody knows one trip to

Cleveland should suffice. (Brendan Beary)

1903: The Wrights first flew at Kitty Hawk.

Their luggage wound up in New Yawk. (Brendan Beary)

1920-33: The 18th Amendment said, "Cut out the drinking!"

The 21st said, "What the hell were we

thinking?" (Brendan Beary)

1932: Hitler stopped the Germans feudin'

By getting them to hate the Juden.

(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

1934: Dillinger's myth just grows: 'Twas not

True he was hung; he just was shot. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

In '38 Neville Chamberlain went to Munich,

Had a nice chat and came home a eunuch. (Howard Walderman)

The Dinofish is coelacanth, the one they thought extinct,

Till one came up in '38, and looked at us and blinked. (Dave Prevar)

1943, 1969: JFK, he sank his boat and then became a star.

His little brother missed the war and only sank a car. (Russell Beland)

On Christmas Day in '68,

John Kerry's map was out of date. (Katrina Gulliver, Sydney)

After 9 August, '74,

We couldn't kick Nixon around anymore. (John H. Sullivan, Long Beach, Calif.)

In the White House Gerald Ford and Nelson Rockefeller landed.

As prez and veep they were unique:

unelected and left-handed.

(Greg Arnold, Herndon)

1975: Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme tried to kill Gerald Ford,

Never loaded the chamber -- was as smart as a board. (Jon Reiser)

1986: Remember Bill Buckner? His legs were a wicket.

Bostonians told him just where he could stick it. (Jon Reiser)

1987: Next time Tawana Brawley cries rape,

Al Sharpton'll ask for the videotape.

(Howard Walderman)

1989: Collapse of the Eastern Bloc came to the rescue

Of all those Romanians under Ceaucescu. (Brendan Beary)

1993:

Clinton, Congress push through NAFTA:

"Good for jobs"? I stifle lafta.

(Brendan Beary)

1996:

Monica's dress could have been like new,

But she chose to keep the presidue.

(Lee McBroom, Waldorf)

When Election 2000 was finally done,

Al Gore had the most votes and therefore he, oh, never mind. (Ernie Isenstadt, McLean)

Dubya barely edged out Gore;

The final vote was 5 to 4. (Brendan Beary)

2001: In 9/11 retribution,

Ashcroft killed the Constitution.

(Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.)

And Last: To England from Holland came William of Orange,

Who, um, er, uh . . . (Danny Bravman)


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