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her.

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Copyright The Washington Post Company Jun 20, 2004

The difference between aromatherapy and Ivory Soap is that one of them is 9944/100 percent hooey.

John Kerry's smile

Aromatherapy

The horse who beat Smarty Jones

The next Redskins season

William Hung of "American Idol"

Cicada Fricassee

The Eunuch of Abdera

$2.39

The next Harry Potter movie

Ivory Soap

The ranch in Crawford, Tex.

A pile of odd socks

Mackerel ice cream

The Stanley Cup playoffs

This week's contest is an Invitational perennial: Take any two of the items on this list and explain how they resemble or differ from each other. First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins "The Gas We Pass: The Story of Farts," a marvelously informative picture book translated from the Japanese, featuring many cartoons of animals and people passing gas in the bathtub, at the dinner table, at the zookeeper, etc. It is by far the finest children's book on farting that we have ever gotten wind of.

Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T- shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.

Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Deadline is Monday, June 28. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 18. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village.

Results of our Special Extra Added Bonus Contest to come up with a punch line to the Oldest Joke in the World, the one that appears only partially in an ancient Greek joke book: "Seeing a eunuch, an Abderite [ancient Greek code word for doofus] asked him how many children he had. The eunuch replied that he had none, since he lacked the means of reproduction. Retorted the Abderite . . ."

The most common responses (which were variously reported as the "actual" punch lines):

"You can have as many as you like -- you just have to give them candy first."

"How sad! Did your parents have the same condition?"

"But I'm a eunuch, too -- and my adoring wife has given me four lovely children!"

But there were some good original entries, too, mostly wildly anachronistic, including:

{diam}Second runner-up: "Do not give up hope. My brother is a eunuch, and yet wise

people tell him every day that he can go reproduce himself."

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

{diam}First runner-up: "So I guess that IS a banana in your pocket."

(Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

{diam}And the winner of the Extra Inker: "Ah, you have the same condition, I hear, as my wife's dear friend Philanderus." (Chris Doyle)

Report from Week 559, in which we asked you to write a sign or slogan for a business: But first, an embarrassing coincidence: Ross Patterson of Reston gleefully wrote in to inform The Empress that several jokes of this kind -- including the one we used in the cartoon as an example -- formed the theme of the May 16 crossword by Seth A. Abel in The Washington Post Magazine. Whose results, of course, ran May 23 -- the very day this contest was announced in the Invitational. The Empress is fairly sure, however, that Mr. Abel did not hack into her computer and steal the list of jokes, stolen off the Internet, that someone had sent her.

{diam}Fourth runner-up: Botox clinic: For That Frosty Mug Sensation!

(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

{diam}Third runner-up: Reddi-Wip: From Our Can to Yours (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

{diam}Second runner-up: Outside a mousetrap factory: Line Forms on Beaten Path

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

{diam}First runner-up, winner of the dead-minnow tie clip: Anesthesiologist: We Conk

to Stupor (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

{diam}And the winner of the Inker: Sunshine Veggie Burgers and Dogs: You'll Hardly Know You Aren't Eating a Dead Animal (Eric Murphy, Chicago)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

Sperm bank: Procreation Without

Representation

(Joseph Romm, Washington)

Auto mechanic: If It Ain't Broke,

We Fix It (Russell Beland)

Cicada Exterminators Inc.: 16-Year

Guarantee! (Bill Clark, Kensington)

Plus-size boutique: Plenty of Parking

in Rear (Russell Beland)

Credit card company: We Take an

Interest in You Forever

(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

Department of Motor Vehicles: We're Not Happy Till You're Not Happy!

(Lynn Dawson, Centreville)

Larry's Lumberjacks: We're Okay!

(Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.)

U.S. Capitol Police: We Protect Your

Volubles (Harold Mantle, Gaithersburg)

Keebler: For Every Carb You Cut, an Elf Loses His Job (Eric Murphy, Chicago)

NRA: Guns Don't Kill People. Sucking Chest Wounds Kill People.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Anger management clinic:

Bilious and Bilious Served

(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Discount Funerals Inc.: A Little Slab'll

Do Ya (Allan Moore, Washington)

Dog walking service:

We've Got a Leg Up on the Competition (Bill Clark)

Hard Hat Construction Co.: Your Fish Can Ride My Bicycle Anytime, Baby

(Roy Ashley, Washington)

Egg farm: Visitors Welcome: We Won't Get in Your Face (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

Cover Girl Cosmetics: Because You're Not as Pretty as You Think

(Jean Sorensen)

Humane Society benefit: Race for the Cur (Peter Metrinko)

Brothel: There's No Satisfaction Like a Job Well Done

(Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.)

Bra boutique: We Fix Flats

(Dorothy W. Linowes, Chevy Chase)

Dermatology clinic: A Watched Boil

Never Pops (Peter Metrinko)

Oncology clinic: We're a Large Growth Company (Cecil J. Clark, Arlington)

Urology clinic: Winning the Admiration of Our Peers (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Sperm bank: The Future Is in Your Hands (Dave Prevar)

Magic shop: Now You See It, Now You (Dave Prevar)

Mortuary Coiffures Inc.: Hairdo Eternity (Chris Doyle)

Eye, ear, nose and throat clinic: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil? We Can Help! (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.)

Tie shop: 10 Percent Off Your Neck's

Order (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

Pooper Scoopers Inc.: Celebrating 35 Years in Business (Russell Beland)

Carmen's Coconut Bras for Men:

Apparel of Laughs (Chris Doyle)

Egyptian Tourism Board: Hey, we stopped forcing people to make

pyramids 4,000 years ago.

(Bob Sorensen, Herndon)

Credit improvement service: We Repair Collateral Damage (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)

Endocrinology clinic: Gland Opening! (Brendan Beary)

Group therapy clinic: Esteem Cleaning (Tom Witte)

Oldies station: Good to the Last Doowop (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.)


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