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Copyright The Washington Post Company Jun 6, 2004

A. None of them run; they just sit and rot.

Q. How have those pairs of hemp-fiber pantyhose worked out?

This week we revisit a successful contest from 1998, originally suggested by Jacob Weinstein of Los Angeles. Take any sentence appearing in The Washington Post or washingtonpost.com today through June 14, and make up a question to which the sentence could be an answer. The above example is from today's Dear Abby column about a man who collects junky cars. Please include the headline of the story or ad you're quoting.

First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a flask formed from the hoof and ankle of some dark-coated hairy ungulate, probably a deer.

Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T- shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.

Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Deadline is Monday, June 14. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 4. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Ezra Deutsch-Feldman of Bethesda.

Report from Week 557, in which we asked you to explain the difference between any two real or fictional people who have a common element in their names. The Empress decided, imperiously, that "people" could include animals and even inanimate objects that wear clothes and/or talk. So she does not want to hear complaints about the inclusion of any entries concerning Al Gore.

{diam}Third runner-up: The difference between Dave Barry and Marion Barry is that Dave is

[Table]
famous for stuff that comes out of your nose. (Laura Shumar,

Lafayette, Ind.)

{diam}Second runner-up: The difference between Bobby Brown and Playskool's Bobby Q, the Magic Talkin' Grill, is that with Bobby Q, the battery's not included.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

{diam}First runner-up, the winner of the genuine tasseled pasties: The difference between Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson: At least when Michael exposes himself in front of the youth of America, he has the decency to do it in the privacy of his own bedroom.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

{diam}And the winner of the Inker: The difference between Marilyn Monroe and Marilyn Quayle is that one reputedly slept with Jack Kennedy, and the other has slept with . . . well, he's no Jack Kennedy. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

The difference between Thomas Jefferson and George Jefferson is about seven

generations. (Miles D. Moore, Alexandria)

Seth Thomas and Clarence Thomas: Seth wanted time to move forward. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church)

Donald Rumsfeld and Donald Duck:

When we can't understand Donald Duck, it's funny. (Eric Murphy, Chicago)

John Dean and Howard Dean: You could

almost imagine Kerry picking John Dean as his running mate. (Russell Beland)

Lil' Kim and Kim Jong-Il: Although both are short and like to party, Lil' Kim doesn't perm her hair. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Jesse Ventura and Ace Ventura: Ace wasn't ashamed to admit when he was

talking out of his butt.

(Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)

Michael Jackson and Jackson Browne: Michael said, "Doctor my eyes, my nose, my ears, my chin, my skin . . ."

(Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Daniel Day-Lewis and Jerry Lewis: Daniel had only one left foot.

(Marty McCullen, Gettysburg)

George W. Bush and George of the

Jungle: George of the Jungle started as a cartoon and then went to live action.

(Peter Levitan, Sherman Oaks, Calif.)

Billy Carter and Bill Clinton: One brings to mind a president's feckless relation, and the other a president's reckless fellation.

(Chris Doyle)

Sharon Osbourne and Ariel Sharon: She holds a house together; he takes them apart.

(Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

Pontius Pilate and Joseph Pilates: Joseph continues to torture people.

(Howard Walderman, Columbia)

Curious George and George Bush: One of them makes a real effort to find out what's going on. (Jack Cackler, Jane Auerbach)

Marion Barry and Barry Bonds: One did coke and was caught, and the other sells Coke and hasn't been. (Jack Cackler)

Barry Bonds and Barry White: Both had a lot of hits, but White helped a lot more

people score.

(Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

Elizabeth I and Elizabeth Taylor: One

hymen, nine husbands and a couple of years.

(Judith Cottrill, New York)

Donald Trump and Ronald McDonald:

Although both are successful commercial clowns, Ronald has much better hair.

(Chris Doyle)

Marquis de Sade and Sade: You didn't have to be a masochist to listen to the

marquis sing. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

Bing Crosby and David Crosby: The latter dreamed of white stuff all year round.

(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

Moe Howard and Howard Hughes:

Moe never saved his clippings.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Paul Simon and Simon Cowell: Cowell

appears with more than one untalented hack. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

Donald Rumsfeld and Donald Trump: Trump knows when to say, "You're fired!"

(Robin Grove, Chevy Chase; Bill Spencer,

Exeter, N.H.)

Barney Frank and Barney Rubble: Rubble had a yabba-dabba-doo time, a dabba-doo time, too. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Edwin Newman and Alfred E. Newman: Unlike Alfred, Edwin might have worried that I'd spell his name wrong. (Russell Beland)

Stephen King and Don King: Don has a

bigger vocabulary.

(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Anita Bryant and Anita Hill: Anita Bryant would never mention anything strange in her drink. (Jane Auerbach)

Jerry Lee Lewis and Jerry Falwell: Lewis didn't sue when people made jokes about his having sex with relatives.

(Jane Auerbach)

George Bush and George Washington: George Bush had enough sense not to allow military service to interfere with regular trips to the dentist. (Carl Northrop, Fairfax)

John Holmes and John Doe: Oh, about six inches. (Chris Doyle)

Janet Reno and Janet Jackson:

Reno brashly showed the nation her best. (Kyle Hendrickson, Dunkirk)

O.J. Simpson and Jessica Simpson:

Anything Jessica puts on fits like a glove.

(Kyle Hendrickson)

James T. Kirk and James Bond: All

Trekkies know that James Bond isn't a real person. (Kyle Hendrickson)

Marie Antoinette and Marie Curie: Marie Curie had a good head on her shoulders.

(Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.)

DeWitt Clinton and Bill Clinton: DeWitt Clinton dug big ditches.

(Peter Metrinko; George Vary, Bethesda)

Scott Carpenter and Karen Carpenter: He actually managed to achieve weightlessness. (Russell Beland)

Prince Charming from "Cinderella" and Prince Charming from "Sleeping

Beauty": The Cinderella one didn't force his attentions on a woman in a coma. How freaking kinky is that? (Russell Beland)

Donald Duck and Donald Rumsfeld: At least the duck wears a uniform.

(Russell Beland)

William Jefferson Clinton and Thomas Jefferson: Monica was merely an employee.

(Russell Beland)

Queen Elizabeth and Queen Latifah: The crown jewels are not referred to as "the Windsor bling."(Brendan Beary)

X the Owl and Malcolm X: Only one fought against being a puppet of the white man.

(Brendan Beary)

John Kerry and John-Boy Walton:

John-Boy at least says "good night" when he puts you to sleep. (Miles D. Moore)

Zbigniew Brzezinski and . . . give me a minute . . . (Brendan Beary).

The difference between John Adams

(second president) and John Quincy

Adams (sixth) is similar to the

difference between George H.W. Bush (41) and George W. Bush (43) in that 6-2 = 4, and 43-41 = 2, which is the square root of 4, which is exactly the way the Trilateral Commission planned it, DON'T YOU SEE? IT'S SO OBVIOUS!!! (Roy Ashley)


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