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Week 534 : The Feminine Touch


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Copyright The Washington Post Company Nov 30, 2003

This Week's Contest: Propose how any male-dominated occupation or institution would change if it suddenly became female-dominated. Examples might be the U.S. presidency, the construction business, the game of professional baseball, the Czardom of The Style Invitational, etc. The Czar urges readers not to be too squeamish about demonstrating a little bit of good-natured sexism: after all, remember who judges this thing. First-prize winner gets Painted Potties, a designer decal set for one's toilet.

First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 8. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield.

Report from Week 530, in which you were asked to take a word and alter it in three ways -- by adding a letter, changing a letter, and deleting a letter -- and supplying definitions for the resulting three words. Several people fell two short of a good troika, but had one gem: Examples: "Redskeins: Strings of consecutive losses." "Mountainfop: A hillwilliam." "Mantique: An item a guy keeps from his bachelor days, such as his lucky socks or his Loni Anderson poster." A special Blind T-Shirt Award goes to Russell Beland of Springfield for an entry of three perfectly clever and perfectly disgusting definitions that very well might have won the elephant- poop key chain, in some parallel universe where editors are not fired for committing crimes against humanity.

{diam}Second Runner-Up:

Sphincter

Sphinxcter: A figure in Egyptian mythology having the buttocks of a lion and the head of a man

Spincter: An unmarried, anal-retentive woman

Sphinctee: Someone who's always getting dumped on

(Roy Ashley, Washington)

{diam}First Runner-Up:

Snowboarding

Snowbearding: Adopting extreme sports as a way of seeming less gay

Snowbarding: Schussing e'er onward t'ward the hillock's scree / Whether mine neck to break, it is to be or not to be

Snowbogarding: Using up the snow so no one else can ski

(Dan Steinberg, Falls Church)

{diam}And the winner of the key chain carved from the seed of an illala palm tree that has passed through the digestive tract of an elephant:

Colonialism

Colonicalism: A purge of the old regime

Clonialism: Government by genetically engineered pod people, e.g, bureaucrats

Cojonialism: Government by reckless displays of machismo

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

{diam}Honorable mentions:

Mohel

Maohel: A famous Chinese circumciser, discredited for his disastrous Great Lop Forward

Ohel: What you don't want to hear the rabbi say during the procedure

Aohel: An Internet provider notorious for its painful service cutoffs

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

AOL Time Warner

Ol' Time Warner: Media Giant, circa 2000

AWOL Time Warner: Media Giant, circa 2002

All Time Warner: Media Giant, circa 2004

(Dan Klein, McLean)

Sosa

So sad: The inevitable emotional state of Cubs fans

SOS: The cry of Cubs fans, every year

So-so: The odds that the Cubs will be above .500 next June

(Joe Cackler, Falls Church)

Pentateuch

Pentatouch: Scripture in which Adam and Eve hold hands

Petateuch: . . . in which Adam and Eve

engage in foreplay

Spentateuch: . . in which Adam and Eve have a cigarette

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Pornography

Ornography: Dirty birds

Tornography: Magazines with the

centerfolds ripped out

Pornotgraphy: A movie that sounds dirty but isn't (e.g., "Hannah and Her

Sisters")

(Bird Waring, New York)

Incognito

Incagnito: Disguised as a Peruvian

Incognitov: Disguised as a Russian

Incogito: Disguised as "The Thinker"

(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Charlatan

Charlatag: The "Guchi" label on a street vendor's handbags

Charlatang: Store-brand orange juice

Charlatin: Natalie Wood as Maria in "West Side Story"

(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Newspaper

Newsparer: An editor for The Express

Ewspaper: The National Enquirer

Newspamper: A low-cost diaper

substitute

(Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

Republican

Repubican: Bob Dole

RepubWican: Ann Coulter

Republickan: Bob Packwood

(Mark Young, Washington)

Zaftig

Aftig: Having a pleasingly plump behind

Zaftpig: Past the point of pleasingly plump

Daftig: Fat AND stupid

(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Irony

Airony: The fact that the Wizards are

better now that Michael Jordan has left

Irany: The fact that Iran is now our ally against Iraq

I "R" NY: Slogan for Michael Bloomberg

(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Viagra

Viagray: Combines sexual potency pill with Grecian Formula

Vagra: Restores potency, but makes you more apt to stray

Biagra: Restores potency, but makes you more open to "alternatives"

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Hysterectomy

Shysterectomy: Disbarment

Hysterectoy: One of Mattel's biggest flops, the "Post Menopausal Barbie"

Oysterectomy: How you find a pearl

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)


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