Week 533 : Breed Apart

week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik of Olney.

Full Text (974   words)
Copyright The Washington Post Company Nov 23, 2003

The child of Evel Knievel and Mother Teresa would keep making enormous leaps of faith.

The child of Dorothy Parker and Timothy Leary would have a really acid wit.

The child of Miss Manners and The Czar of The Style Invitational would pioneer the development of the lilac-scented whoopee cushion.

This Week's Contest was proposed by Peter Metrinko of Alexandria. On the theory that cloning may someday make it possible to reproduce famous people, living or dead, then it would also be possible for the clones of two famous people to marry and produce children. What would they be like? Mate the clones of any two famous real people, living or dead -- a male and a female, please -- and hypothesize what traits or skills their offspring might have.

First-prize winner gets a Barbie and Ken "Star Trek" watch.

First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312 or by e-mail to U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 1. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik of Olney.

Report from Week 529, in which you were asked to recast a well- known document or principle in a four-line rhyme:

{diam}Second Runner-Up:

Honor the Sabbath, your mom and your dad,

No idols, goddammits, or taking a life.

Adultery, stealing and lying are bad.

Don't covet your neighbor's old goat, or his wife.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

{diam}First Runner-Up:

Darwin's "Origin of Species"

Bacteria, slime, mold, yeast,

Jellyfish, shark, wildebeest,

Monkey, chimp, ape, man.

Face it, folks, there was no plan.

(Richard Lempert, Arlington)

{diam}And the winner of the stationery made from elephant dung:

Musket and ball we've got, also disease;

We're accustomed to taking whatever we please.

"Manifest Destiny" can't be denied

(And it sounds so much better than, oh, "genocide.")

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

After fourscore years and just a tad

We have death and gore galore.

It's very sad, 'cause war is bad,

Now go on out and fight some more.

(Sarah Johnson, Auburn, Ala.)

Churchill's great speech:

We shall fight in the valleys,

The hills, streets and alleys.

No Nazi punk'll

Make us say uncle.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

The Miranda warning:

You don't have to speak, but all that you say

Will be subject to our legal powers.

If you want an attorney but can't meet his pay,

We will happily lend one of ours.

(Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.)

The 21st Amendment:

We've had enough of Al Capone,

Seems we set the gangsters loose.

So go back to your drunken ways --

We'll just tax the juice.

(Carl Yaffe, Rockville)

A bit porno actor is filling the bill,

So they give him a raise, and he's competent still.

A promotion from there would make him the lead,

But some principle says that he may not succeed.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

If William of Occam

Were shaving today,

Quadruple-edge razors

Would not be okay.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

The Torah:

Think first about doing what's right,

Not just about making a shekel.

Live a good life, and keep to your wife,

And cut off the tip of your schmekl.

(Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.)

The Bush Doctrine:

Out in the world is an axis of evil

Who'd give us all their worst.

Because of this it's now okay

For us to do it first.

(Michael Simon, Gaithersburg)

President Bush's economic stimulus package:

Claim your big refund,

And deduct your Hummer.

What's that? You're not rich?

Oh, man, that's a bummer.

(Mark Briscoe, Arlington)

The infield fly rule:

The umpire calls the batter out

Though the fielder catches nada.

And there must be runners on first and second,

And yadda, yadda, yadda.

(Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station)

Newton's First Law of Motion:

A body that's moving will stay on its course

Unless acted on by some external force.

A body that's resting continues to rest,

As my brother the moocher exemplifies best.

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

The Conservation Law of Mass-Energy:

It's clearly demonstrable: Any closed system

Exhibits a strict conservation of mass.

That cache of your leftover Halloween candy?

It's all been transformed to more lard on my ass.

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

As a siren approaches, its pitch gets more high,

But then drops off quickly as it passes by,

So hats off to me, Christian Doppler, for showing

A means of distinguishing coming from going.

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

The Pythagorean Theorem:

The square of A plus the square of B

Equals the square of hypotenuse C.

Aside from this, hypotenuses

Have few if any practical uses.

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Archimedes' principle:

"Eureka," says I: An object more dense

Displaces less water -- it makes perfect sense!

This discovery has so greatly brightened my mood,

I shall run through the Syracuse streets in the nude.

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

The big-bang theory:

Just 15 billion years ago there was a giant clatter

When a single point erupted, throwing out a lot of matter.

From this Hubble start not long ago, the Universe begins --

Which explains a lot, except perhaps why Beary always wins.

(Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls)

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