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Week 521 : Hyphen the Terrible


Mass.

Full Text (955   words)
Copyright The Washington Post Company Aug 31, 2003

Pow-land -- A very, very touchy and hostile Eastern European country. Capital: Warsore.

Virgin-liable -- Subject to the laws of statutory rape.

Depart-fighters -- Cowards.

This week's contest: You know the drill. Take the first half of any hyphenated word in today's Washington Post (or Tuesday's USA Today) and combine it with the second half of any other hyphenated word in the same story, and define the new word it produces. Make sure you tell us what story you used, and on what page it appeared. The examples above are taken from an Aug. 18 story in The Post. First-prize winner gets a George W. Bush dog squeak toy.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 8. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass.

Report from Week 517, in which you were asked to come up with a line to be secretly inserted into George W. Bush's teleprompter for his next State of the Union message.

Third Runner-Up: And now if we'll bow our heads for a moment of silence on the loss of Uday and Qusay . . . (Lisa M. Greenhill, Washington)

Second Runner-Up: Like most college men, I did "experiment" with homosexuality . . (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

First Runner-Up: America is built on the hard work of nonprofit organizations, so I would like to pay tribute to just one representative group: the Pleasant Valley Pheasant Pluckers. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)

And the winner of the dartboard from the "Keen Eddie" TV show: "Green Dodge Caravan, Virginia plates, your lights are on." (Craig A. Zimmerman, Manassas)

Honorable Mentions:

Good night, and may God damn the United States of America.

(Ben Aronin, Pasadena, Calif.)

I'm about to appoint an ambassador to Bimini; what am I bid?

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Members of Congress, there are going to be some changes made because this building is now surrounded by special forces loyal only to me.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

I'd like to recognize some special people we have here as guests tonight, and what do you know, they all happen to be minority types! (Russell Beland, Springfield).

Seriously, you're a great crowd. So, where you from? Anybody from Lubbock? (Russell Beland, Springfield)

In addition to an Axis of Evil, I have also found an Axis of Unsavoriness, and even an Axis of Generally Poor Manners. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

I have not had impure thoughts about any woman, at all, at any time, and you know I'm telling the truth because if I wasn't, I'd have a big goofy smirk on my face.

(Roger and Pam Dalrymple,

Gettysburg, Pa.)

Some have asked if my tie is too tight, others have questioned my amphetamine psychosis . . .

(Don Jernigan, Shreveport, La.)

I think of Hillary at the strangest times. (Don Duggan, Bethesda)

I shall make it my duty to eat a kitten for breakfast every day.

(Marc Leibert, New York)

This State of the Union speech has been brought to you by Mirror Image Teleprompters Inc., purveyors of the most reliable public speaking equipment available today.

(Joshua Kaplowitz, Alexandria)

I repeat my promise to personally pay for the college education of every American citizen who cannot afford it. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)

In answer to my critics, I know you are, but what am I?

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

And so I offer my resignation as president of the United States, effective immediately. (Richard Cheney, Washington)

(Joseph Romm, Washington)

I'm being held hostage in a White House speech-writing sweatshop - - please help me.

(Martin Schulman, Herndon)

And tonight I am departing from the usual format by asking that you not interrupt me with those annoying rounds of contrived applause (wait for applause.)

(Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.)

I wish to announce my conversion to Islam. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

What's all the whining about unemployment? All MY friends have jobs. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

If I felt that even one American was dissatisfied with the way I am running this country, I would resign immediately.

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Global warming can be reversed if everyone just turned his air conditioner around.

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Anyone who disagrees is welcome to come up here now and speak his piece.

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

But you didn't come here to listen to me blather about security and slowly take away all of your freedoms in the name of protecting them.

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Nod your head and look serious, then smile before saying the next sentence.

(Larry Phillips, Falls Church)

Tonight, we salute three heroines of the Iraqi war: Ima Lyonson, Uffa Beech, and Ivana Runnagen.

(Charles Koelbel, Houston)

In addition to finding out about their uranium, we also have credible evidence that it was Iraq who let the dogs out. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Senator Kennedy, is something funny? Perhaps you'd like to share it with the rest of the room.

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)


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