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Week 519 : Hey, Baby, What's Your Sector


Mass.

Full Text (726   words)
Copyright The Washington Post Company Aug 17, 2003

"Someone stole my heart, and the FBI considers you a person

of interest."

"If you were OMB draft circular A-561, then my public comment

would have to be, 'Yowza!' "

"Care to come by my place and search for my weapon of mass

destruction?"

This Week's Contest was suggested by Andrew Goldberg of Potomac, who invites you to come up with pickup lines that could be heard only in Washington, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a vintage, framed "American Commemoratives" announcement by the U.S. Postal Service, including four stamps, commemorating the 1973 issuance of a Lyndon Johnson stamp. It includes a highly complimentary summary of his life and works by Lady Bird, neglecting to mention Vietnam.

First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 25. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass.

Report from Week 515, in which you were asked to come up with ways Martha Stewart might make a prison stay more stylish and/or livable. A Loser T-shirt goes to attorney Karen Bond of Reynoldsburg, Ohio. Karen writes that an "awesome" cheesecake can be fashioned from Cremora, Oreo cookies and milk stolen from the prison kitchen, and that toilet paper and wire hangers stolen from the officers' supply cabinet can make a passable Christmas wreath. This may not be pant-wettingly funny, but it has the considerable virtue of truth. Karen did three years in the federal pen for interstate securities fraud. Stealing, she warns, "can land you in the hole. But guards can be bribed."

{diam}Second Runner-Up:

Persuade the warden to upgrade the electric chair to a Louis XIV.

(Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

{diam}First Runner-Up:

Give a special name to each of your head lice (e.g., Wilberforce).

(Maureen and Russell Beland, Springfield)

{diam}And the winner of the antique ice bag:

Flypaper can do an excellent bikini wax. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

Press wet paper napkins into shape of pistols; let dry. Color with shoe polish. Save for that special weekend getaway. (Judith Cottrill, New York)

Using lint from laundry, make an attractive shiv cozy. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Mark Leibert, New York)

Turn catfights into refereed

bake-offs. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

If prison deals you rock piles, make rock gardens. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Wet TP spitwads flung at cell walls make excellent faux stucco. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills; Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)

Mashed potatoes applied to bars can simulate Doric columns. Use fingernail or back of spoon for fluting. Or try small cauliflower florets at the capitals for a whimsical faux Corinthian. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Be like the Birdman of Alcatraz, but turn the pigeons into squab.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Convert shank to oyster knife.

(Roy Ashley, Washington)

Cellmate's femur can be carved into a relief of the gods of Olympus frolicking on the Elysian fields. If you're bad enough. (Russ Beland,

Springfield; Rose McNeely, Bethesda)

Set fire to cell in order to get that special smoky flavor in the mouse

kebabs. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Step 1: File ends of matchsticks into sharp points. Step 2: Push matchsticks into bar of soap so point ends stick out. Step 3: Scare off cockroaches by placing heads of their dead on the ends of the sticks. Step 4: Wash hands thoroughly using mild hypoallergenic astringent.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Make a dining hall fork into a crochet hook, then use blanket thread to make a cardigan for your pet rat.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

For 50 packs of smokes, the screws will smuggle you in a nice tea cozy. (Russell Beland, Springfield)


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