Week 515 : A Cellebration of Tasteful Living

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Copyright The Washington Post Company Jul 20, 2003

This Week's Contest was suggested by Joel Knanishu of Rock Island, Ill. Anticipating a prison sentence for Martha Stewart, Joel suggests that you come up with ways that Martha can prettify and improve her new surroundings using only her skills, her impeccable taste and those resources available to her. First-prize winner gets a vintage Wireless brand cloth ice bag, circa 1949, in its original box.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312 or by e-mail to U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, July 28. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Sean Cain of Hyattsville.

Report from Week 511, in which you were asked to look at these cartoons, and tell us what is about to happen in any of them.

{diam}Fourth Runner-Up: (Cartoon E) This blonde is about to throw out her watch because there are no "tocks."

(Pete Hughes, Alexandria)

{diam} Third Runner-Up (Cartoon D) Corporate America is going to eat the U.S. Capitol for lunch. Again. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

{diam}Second Runner-Up (Cartoon F) In the bare-knuckles world of fine art, Frankie is about to learn the hard way not to cut into Piet "Dutch" Mondrian's turf.

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

{diam}First Runner-Up: (Cartoon C) Having received the Holy Mackerel she requested, Carol waits with some trepidation for the Holy Cow.

(Elden Carnahan, Laurel; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

{diam}And the winner of the raccoon-vertebra jewelry: (Cartoon B)

Sadly, Carl's new Global Toilet Positioning System for the Blind is about to fail him.

(Dave Hebda, Springfield)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

Cartoon A:

The FBI man is about to discover that Jimmy Hoffa sleeps with something less appealing than the fishes.

(Thad Humphries, Warrenton)

The Czar is about to find next week's grand prize.

(Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Inspectors are about to declare victory by discovering Saddam's Weapons of Biomass Destruction.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Cartoon B:

The new direct-to-your-head satellite receiver makes you feel you're in the thick of the action. Here, Pete is about to receive the snap from center in the Skins-Giants game.

(Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Cartoon C:

Next, a bicycle is about to fall out of the sky on Gloria Steinem.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.;

Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)

The woman is about to say: "Are you deaf, God? I asked you to grant me a WISH." (Richard Wong, Derwood;

Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls)

Myrtle's doctor is about to diagnose a severe case of carp tunnel syndrome.

(Roy Ashley, Washington)

Minutes later, Bob Ryan will finally admit error. He had predicted cats and dogs.

(Bob Grossman, Columbia)

A very large pelican is about to drop something else on this woman's head.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Bertie Bass is about to test the widely held fish theory that humans are cold-blooded, and thus feel no pain when bitten.

(Mary K. Fitzsimmons, Reston)

Thelma is about to be struck by lightning because she kept the Chilean Sea Bass. (Debbie Patrick, Mount Airy)

Debbie has just died, and she and her sole are about to go to Heaven.

(M.K. Phillips, Falls Church)

Cartoon D:

Tarzan's new butler is about to seriously regret having lied about being "expert on vine swinging" on his resume.

(I-Li Sherwood, Arlington)

What happens next is that the guy explains: "Oui, Monsieur, is very simple. I pull on elephant, ze tail, he does his business, I clean up ze mess on zis covered Limoges platter zat has been in my family for generations. After all, monsieur, I am not just a, how you say, carny. I am a Frenchman."

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

Ralph the butler is about to experience the rich person's version of "Go ahead, pull my finger."

(Mary K. Fitzsimmons, Reston;

John Kupiec, Springfield)

Cartoon E:

Any second now, Joan's time-release breast implants will inflate.

(Joe Braverman, Silver Spring)

Let's just say you don't want to be standing between this lady and the Twinkies when her biological clock stops ticking. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)

If she has to wait for him at the top of the Empire State Building one more second, what's likely to happen is Cartoon F.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Calista Flockhart is about to tip over, unable to support the weight of her new wristwatch.

(Mike Hammer, Arlington)

Cartoon F:

The world is about to lose its greatest newspaper impressionist, as he attempts to imitate the crossword, the fashion section, the comics and the stock market report all at the same time.

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Pretend cat ears: $4.99. Ugly plaid shirt: $29.99. Nine hits of PCP: $300. Learning you aren't a calico cat that can land on its feet when dropped from great heights: priceless.

(Amy and Christian Clymer, Washington)

Well, one thing that won't be happening next is this guy trying to steal Madonna's bra again.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Sadly, Nick was about to find out that, while applicable in certain life-threatening mountaineering situations, chewing one's arm off will not save oneself from falling to one's death.

(Bryan Utter, Gaithersburg)

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