Week 514 : Ask Backwards

week's contest is by Elinor Braun of Herndon.

Full Text (918   words)
Copyright The Washington Post Company Jul 13, 2003


Porky McBeal

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Once in a Blue Moonves

Woody Allen's Analyst

Ben Aflack

Because It Just Sounds Wrong

A Concerto in Lee


Wheee Monsieur

Because It Could Cause Asphyxia

Paris, Zurich and Certain Parts of West Virginia

Chilean Sea Bass, but Not George W. Bush

This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" These are your answers. What are the questions? Answer one or more. First-prize winner gets Amber InsectNside Candy, which is a big appetizing hard candy containing an actual dead cricket larva.

First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312 or by e-mail to losers@ U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, July 21. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Elinor Braun of Herndon.

Report from Week 510, in which we asked you to sneak a bogus question in during the final interview segment of the Miss Universe Pageant.

{diam}Third Runner-Up: If the United States decides to impose "regime change" on your country, would you prefer that it use precision-guided munitions, cruise missiles or Special Forces commandos? (Russell Beland, Springfield)

{diam}Second Runner-Up: There are many problems facing young women in the world today, such as bulimia and anorexia. Which do you think is a more effective weight-loss method? (Jennifer Wildt, Zunyi, China; Colette Zanin, Greenbelt)

{diam}First Runner-Up: What idiotic custom or religious ritual does the most to reinforce unfair stereotypes we all have about your country? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

{diam}And the winner of the Baghdad Bob T-shirt and thong:

Let's say you're at home with your roommate and your younger sister, the three of you wearing flimsy negligees and sucking on popsicles. What is your favorite color? (Jack Welsch and Sugar Strawn, Alexandria)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

Would you rather be a quadratic equation or a cake mix? Why?

(Trish Hackman, Springfield, and

Maureen Langan, New York)

How would you dispose of a body really fast, like if the cops were on the way to your house? (Glenn V. Morrison, Atlanta)

Say this quickly 10 times: I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Here's a check for $25,000. Will you take it and drop out now, or take your chances on what is, at best, a 1-in-10 shot? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

In order to save the rest of humanity, how many puppies would you be willing to personally strangle to death?

(Joseph Romm, Washington)

What are your hygiene tips and tricks for masking the fetid body odor so common among your countrymen? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

Does it bother you to think that somewhere in Kansas, or Rawalpindi, or Kuala Lumpur, there's a 12-year-old boy who's been denied all access to porn, cable or R-movies, and watching you and your fellow contestants walk around in swimsuits and high heels is the most erotic thing that has ever fired up his hormonally driven imagination?

(Dan Steinberg, Falls Church)

Will you be my mommy?

(Dan Steinberg, Falls Church)

How do Bruce Banner's pants stay on when he changes into The Hulk?

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Which historical figure do you think had the best skin? (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Had you known he would NOT be judging tonight, would you still have slept with Jamie Farr? (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Name something you accomplished in your life without planning to use it one day on your pageant resume.

(Steve Fahey, Kensington)

How will you wield the awesome power of this office to pacify war- torn Congo? (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

If you could date any one of the Brothers Karamazov, which one would it be, and why? (Jennifer Wildt, Zunyi, China)

We know that beauty pageants have been criticized for propagating negative body image in young women. Would you support letting big, fat, slobby girls into beauty pageants?

(Jennifer Wildt, Zunyi, China)

Have those been in your immediate possession at all times?

(Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington)

Okay, miss, I don't know what you are trying to pull here, but what have you done with the REAL representative of your country? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

My son is getting bar mitzvahed next month. Can you make it?

(Larry Cynkin, Kensington)

Please compare and contrast the existentialist philosophies of Jean-Paul Sartre and Martin Heidegger, with specific attention to their views on the nature of death, or just jiggle your boobies a little.

(Daniel Mannion, Manassas)

How long can you keep a smile on your face? Go ahead, we'll time you.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Is the following statement about you true or false: You are not the kind of person who wouldn't oppose the idea of not taking a negative stance against those who do not fail to protest the opposition to legislation that would legalize child pornography?

(Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.)

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