RETURN TO MASTER CONTEST LIST

Week 512 : Live On, Sweet, Earnest Reader


Mass.

Full Text (1028   words)
Copyright The Washington Post Company Jun 29, 2003

Al Gore: A LOSER! Game over, robotic environmentalist.

Rumsfeld: "Real unilateralism means spanking France en la derriere."

Bob Dole:"Buy old blue, dysfunction's over, love Elizabeth."

This week's contest was proposed by Malcolm Fleschner of San Mateo, Calif. Malcolm suggests that you take the name of any person - - living, dead, fictional -- and use the letters of his name, in succession, to form the first letters of an expression appropriate to that person. Yes, it's hard. First-prize winner gets a spangly, furry, hootchy-kootchy outfit that Charo might agree to wear if she were really, really plastered.

First Runner-Up wins the tacky but

estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen.

Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T- shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, July 7. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass.

Report from Week 508, in which you were asked to take any word, add,

subtract or alter a single letter, and redefine the word.

{diam}Sixth Runner-Up: Philaunderer: He may hop from bed to bed, but he always

washes the sheets. (Malcolm Fleschner, San Mateo, Calif.)

{diam}Fifth Runner-Up: Guiltar: A musical instrument whose strings are pulled by your mother. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)

{diam}Fourth Runner-Up: Whorde: A group of prostitutes. (Bird Waring, New York)

{diam}Third Runner-Up: Bigmoidoscope: A very scary doctor's instrument.

(M.K. Phillips, Falls Church)

{diam}Second Runner-Up: Errorist: A member of a radical Islamic cult who blows himself up in a mannequin factory. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

{diam}First Runner-Up: Palindromeo: Casanova von Asac, a legendary 18th-century

seducer, later revealed to have gone both ways. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

{diam}And the winner of the artsy place mats depicting people eating lamb chops:

The Fundead: Corpses who walk around at night with lampshades on their heads. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

Tskmaster: An ineffective slave driver. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Forkplay: A lavish dinner date, in the hope of getting lucky.

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

Calculust: Figuring out exactly how much to spring for forkplay.

(Joe Cackler, Falls Church)

Grbc: A quarterback who is the

consonant professional.

(Tom Greening, North Bethesda)

Persuede: To convince a person with a little gentle kidding.

(Tom Greening, North Bethesda)

Apocalypso: Day-o, me-day-day-day-ay-o. Doomsday come, and me want to go home. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Nimby-pamby: Not being able to decide what to keep out of one's back yard. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Hippopotamush: Love letters from

Marlon Brando to Star Jones.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Spentiments: Afterglow.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Defizit: It's big, it's ugly, it keeps

growing, and it's only going to get more painful.

(Bill MacDonald, Alexandria)

Patena: A euphemism for liver spots. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Siddhmartha: A young Indian mystic who discovers the true meaning of life as a ferryman serving only the finest in freshly caught, hickory-grilled and lightly lemon-seasoned fillets.

(Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.)

Horspice: A glue factory.

(Dan Steinberg, Falls Church)

Satisfarction: A fatal heart attack

suffered during intercourse.

(Dan Steinberg, Falls Church)

Nominatrix: A spike-heeled woman who controls the selection of candidates for party whip. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Concupiscience: Conducting an

empirical study of Internet porn for, um, a doctoral thesis. Yeah, that's it. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Wisenheifer: A calf who sneaks up and tips over sleeping cows.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Idiotarod: An annual Alaskan race in which morons pull huskies sitting on sleds. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Sitcoma: Typical TV fare.

(John O'Byrne, Dublin)

Amenstruation: The answer to prayers about a potential surprise pregnancy. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria)

Dummary: An unnecessary explanation of a patently obvious concept. (e.g.: "Dummary: an unnecessary

explanation of a patently obvious

concept.") (Mark Bowers, Alexandria)

Diddleman: A person who adds nothing but time to an effort.

(Mark Bowers, Alexandria)

Origasmi: The Japanese art of folding paper marital aids.

(Philip M. Cohen, Washington)

Urinpal: A guy who uses the one right next to you even though all the others are unoccupied.

(Dominic Casario, Tampa)

Rescute: Saving the attractive women, children and puppies first.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Teim: Well, okay, now there's an I in team, but . . . (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Platyplus: A mammal with webbed feet, a duck bill, and opposable thumbs. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Masturpiece: The best-picture winner in the Porn Awards.

(Mark Young,Washington)

Inmomnia: When a woman lies awake all night, waiting for you to call, just like she's waiting through backaches and morning sickness, for nine months. (Mark Young, Washington)

Claptop: A portable computer that's been infected by a virus.

(Luke Wassum, Washington)

Frognostication: The science of

predicting what day the following month that France will surrender.

(Gary Krakower, New York)

Washington Pist: The Letters to the

Editor page. (Marc Leibert, New York)

Precrastinate: "Do I eat the cookie

before I watch 'American Idol' before I do my homework, or do I watch

'American Idol' before I eat?"

(Marc Leibert, New York)

Restituition: The justification for

stealing everything you can from the college dining hall.

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Compenisate: To buy a red Porsche for reasons you don't quite understand. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Eficient: Extremely efficient.

(Chris Said, Baltimore)

Pollitician: Same as politician.

(Joe Braverman, Silver Spring)

Nuculear: Referring to atomic energy.(George W. Bush, Washington)

(Roy Ashley, Washington)

Pestidigitation: How the exterminator makes the cockroaches magically

disappear, then reappear soon after he leaves.

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Chuck U. Smith: What people say every time they read the Invitational and their entry isn't in.

(John Kupiec, Springfield)

Vamplitude: A measurement of female seductive talent.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)


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