Week 510 : Universal Embarrassment


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Copyright The Washington Post Company Jun 15, 2003

This Week's Contest was suggested by Corey Hinderstein of Arlington. He thought of it while watching the Miss Universe Pageant. The final interview consisted of dippy softball questions submitted by the contestants themselves (True example: "Would you rather be fire or water?") Your challenge is to pretend that you are in a position to slip a bogus question into the stack that are going to be asked. What would you just love to see asked live, on national TV? Please remember, we can print only entries that are printable. Thank you. First-prize winner gets two products. The first is a promotional package containing revolutionary new fungus-defeating women's underpants by Hygeia. It fits hip size 36-38. The second is a can of Microwaveable Spotted Dick, an English-style dessert product from Heinz.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e- mail to U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, June 23. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo.

Report from Week 506, in which we asked you to create mottoes for federal agencies. Many, many people proposed that the Department of Defense adopt the motto "The Best Defense Is a Good Offense."

{diam}Fourth Runner-Up:

U.S. Postal Service: When It Absolutely, Positively Has to Be There in About a Week or So. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.; Sanford Horn, Alexandria)

{diam}Third Runner-Up:

Department of the Interior: Only YOU Can Prevent Forests.

(Joe Braverman, Silver Spring)

{diam}Second Runner-Up:

Internal Revenue Service: Complete Worksheet A of Form 483 (b) to See if We Care. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)

{diam}First Runner-Up:

Office of the Naval Inspector General: Yes, We've Heard It. No, We Don't Think It's Funny. (Marc Leibert, New York)

{diam}And the winner of the Stan Musial porcelain bobblehead doll:

1) Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service: We Offer Meaningful Conciliations, Unlike the Unreasonable Hammerheads at the National Mediation Board.

2) National Mediation Board: We Specialize in Realistic Mediation, Unlike Those Meshugenehs at the Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service.

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

Federal Interagency Committee for the Management of Noxious and Exotic Weeds: How Do You Pin the Ocean to the Sand?

(Dana Howell, Dothan, Ala.)

The IRS: Shock and Audit.

(Elliott Schiff, Allentown, Pa.)

Legal Services Corp.: The Best Defense That $19.95 Can Buy.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

National Institute on Aging: Celebrating Our 39th Year!

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Immigration and Naturalization Service: Bringing You a Kinder and Gentler Xenophobia.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

IRS: Why Is Taking Your Money a Service? It Just Is. (Mike Genz, La Plata)

Environmental Protection Agency: Define 'Environment.'

(Michael Kane, Fort Collins, Colo.)

U.S. Secret Service: Only Five Out of Forty-Three Ain't Bad.

(Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.)

Department of the Interior: Do You Want Fires With That?

(Eric Gallagher, Frederick)

Patent and Trademark Office: Send Us Your Idea for a Slogan.

(Jim Wilson, Arlington)

Department of Defense: The Big Stick. (Robert Carlisle, Arlington; Judith Cottrill, New York)

Department of the Interior: Oddly, All Our Stuff Is Outdoors.

(Julie Brinkman, Frederick)

NSA: Actually, the Helicopters Are More of a Navy Blue.

(Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Department of Education: Give Me a Teacher, and I Learn for a Day. Teach Me to Teach and I Become Heuristic. (Kaz Aames, Warner Robins, Ga.)

CIA: The White Swans Fly North for the Potatoes. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

NSA: You Think We Are the Thought Police, and We Know You Think That. (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.)

Department of Defense: The Only Department With Its Own Museum of Iraqi Antiquities.

(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Department of the Interior: We Don't Need No Stinkin' Badgers.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Department of Defense: They Started It! (Baran Alpturk, Istanbul)

Department of Homeland Security: If You Feel Safe, We're Not Doing Our Job. (Tim Kauffman, Alexandria)

Federal Election Commission: One Man, 0.87 Votes.

(Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Food and Drug Administration: You Would Think Our Parties Wouldn't Suck, Wouldn't You?

(David Rogers, Aurora, Ill.)

Department of Defense: Because . . . Well, Just Because. (Fred Hutto, Houston)

Office of Insular Affairs: Our Motto Is Our Business.

(Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)

Bureau of Engraving and Printing: The Curiously Powerful Mint.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Institute of Museum and Library Services: No, We Don't Have Change for the Copier.

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

NASA: Coming Soon to Your Backyard! (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Bureau of Consumer Protection: Got Bilk? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

TVA: Dam and Dammer.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

U.S. Marshals Service: For the Last Time, One L, Not Two.

(Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)

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