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Week 506 : The Battle of All Mottoes


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Copyright The Washington Post Company May 18, 2003

The CIA: Why are you asking about our motto?

The Department of Transportation: Oddly enough, we don't transport much of anything.

This week's contest was suggested by Russell Beland of Springfield, who points out that most federal agencies and departments have mission statements, but no mottoes. He proposes that you provide a slogan for any federal government agency, department, office, etc. First-prize winner gets a Stan Musial porcelain bobblehead doll.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Tuesday, May 27. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Joseph Romm of Washington.

Report from Week 502,

in which we asked you to provide an explanation for any of these cartoons.

{diam}Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) It took the future Mrs. Ashcroft several months of practice before she was able to hold all the required cardboard pieces in place while coming out of the shower. (Rodrigo Sanchez, Montgomery Village)

{diam}Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon C) Harold was the only tourist at the Kyoto temple trying to catch dragonflies using the "traditional" Japanese method of sucking them into a toilet paper tube, and he began to think the monks were pulling his leg. (William MacDonald, Alexandria)

{diam}First Runner-Up:

(Cartoon F) What happens when you're only MILDLY scared.

(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

{diam}And the winner of the model of the world's first armor- covered ship:

(Cartoon A) Even the White House Easter Egg Roll was infected by the administration's war fever. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

Cartoon A

Steve's stress therapist advised him to relax by blowing soap bubbles and popping them.

(Dan Steinberg, Falls Church)

Principal Schneider reverses the school's zero tolerance policy.

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Former dot-com millionaires now have to settle for riding virtual polo ponies. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

New PGA rules allow competitors to adjust Tiger Woods's lie before each shot. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax; Geneva Collins, Silver Spring)

At the Style Invitational holiday party, people entertain the crowd by banging their butts with a mallet until a Christmas ornament pops out of their nose. (Anthony DeVico, Alexandria)

Some guys get really mad at nothing. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill)

John McEnroe was a bad sport at croquet, too. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Cartoon B

Calista Flockhart rues her winning eBay bid for Marilyn Monroe's bikini.

(Geneva Collins, Silver Spring)

What if Eve used fig BARK instead of leaves? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Cartoon C

The Pentagon's lesser-known Archie Bunker busting bomb.

(John Griessmayer, Roanoke)

After the success of the MOAB, the Pentagon experimented with the UBILAB, the Unemployed Brother In Law of All Bombs.

(John Griessmayer, Roanoke)

A scene from the reality show "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire With Mismatched Clothes and a Stick of Dynamite in His Mouth?"

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Clarence had heard that to be a New York cabbie, you had to have a turbine. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Cartoon D

Having learned that one wears a toga to a toga party and pajamas to a pajama party, this recent immigrant prepared herself for her first block party.

(Dan Steinberg, Falls Church)

The highlight of the tribute dinner to Albert Einstein was having the emcee squared. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

Wanda misunderstood the advice: She thought she would get better gas mileage if she bought a compacted car. (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church)

When cubism petered out, so did Lola's career as an artist's model.

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Alice figured she couldn't go wrong wearing basic block.

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

One of the contestants on the sequel to "Mr. Personality." In this, a man must choose from a group of women based on the premise that what really attracts a man to a woman is "her mind."

(Susan Reese, Arlington;

Talia Greenberg, Washington)

This would be Herblock's cartoon of American Idealism trapped in the box of Unprincipled Old World Power Politics, but Staake can't draw like Herblock could.

(Kenneth S. Gallant, Little Rock, Ark.)

This is what $350,000 gets you in Potomac. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Cartoon E

Curiously, Ron looked absolutely normal in the fun house mirrors.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Why basketball teams no longer recruit seven-foot players sight unseen.

(Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Thanks to photo finishes, Carl was in great demand as a jockey.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Percy quickly learned never to storm into a biker bar and yell, "Gimme a longneck -- NOW!"

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Cartoon F

Few people know syrup of ipecac is an excellent remedy for writer's block.

(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Eric found out too late that his system was not compatible with Adobe.

(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

No matter how much he complained, the loud noises in the roach motel still kept Alvin up all night.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)


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