Week 493 (CLX) : A Major Offensive


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Copyright The Washington Post Company Feb 16, 2003

This Week's Contest was suggested by a reader who wrote in complaining about last week's contest, which offended him deeply. He was appalled that we offered kosher dog food as a prize for a contest to come up with really miserly ways to save money in the recession. Taken together, he said, these two facts insidiously reinforce the stereotype that Jews are stingy enough to eat dog food. Since the Czar is Jewish, the letter suggested, he must be a self-loathing Jew. Even though prizes never have anything to do with the contest, The Czar feels simply terrible about all this, and for penance dedicates this contest to the letter writer. Find something anywhere in today's Washington Post or -- a story, a line in a story, a photo, an ad -- and complain about it with absurd oversensitivity. First-prize winner gets a rare copy of "The Great American Parade," by Robert Burrows, declared by The Washington Post to be "the worst novel ever written in the English language."

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312, or by e-mail to U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 24. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo.

Report from Week CLVI, in which you were asked to combine any two celebrities' overlapping names to create a new one with a new profile. Terrific results. Several people came up with interesting combinations, but flopped at the profile part. And so we are left only with What Might Have Been: The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Charles; Butterfly McQueen Elizabeth; Refrigerator Perry Como; Santa Claus von Bulow; Nosferatupac Shakur; Ronald McDonald Rumsfeld; Uncle Tom Clancy; Rin Tin Tintin.

Likewise, several people came up with excellent combinations that broke the rules by changing the spelling of one of the names. The best of these, which goes prizeless because of this transgression, is Julius Cesar Chavez: "I came, I saw, I Concord." (Richard A. Creasy, Winchester)

{diam}Fifth Runner-Up: Punxsutawney Phil Jackson: Returns every winter, often bringing bad luck to others. (Michael Becraft, Reston)

{diam}Fourth Runner-Up: Mata Hari Fleischer: "What is concealed is always more interesting than what is revealed." (Joe Cackler, Falls Church)

{diam}Third Runner-Up: Mr. T.S. Eliot: "I pity the fool, wanderin' around half-deserted streets, walkin' on beaches, talkin' 'bout peaches, mournin' his lost manhood. I pity the fool." (Dan Steinberg, Bethesda)

{diam}Second Runner-Up: Oscar the Groucho Marx: Starred in "Rubber Duckie Soup." (Roy Ashley, Washington)

{diam}First Runner-Up: Marion Barry Bonds: "The pitch set me up." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon;

Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

{diam}And the winner of the sugar-cookie-scented Eggbutt Horseball:

Al Frankenstein's Monster: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, gosh darn it, I'm a big fat idiot." (Beverly Miller, Clarendon)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

Ariel Sharon Stone: A political leader who promises a glimpse of the Promised Land. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Barney Frank Perdue: Chicken Out!

(Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

Elton John Holmes: The Loin King

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Mullah Omartha Stewart: Currently hiding in a tastefully decorated cave.

(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Auntie Eminem: Dorothy, git down in the cella / Cuz I ain't no Rockefella / I cain't take no persecutions / From you or them Lilliputians (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington; Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls)

Celine Dionne quintuplets:

An excellent reason to ban cloning. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Pollyanna Karenina: Cheerfully threw herself under a train.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Mr. Bill Clinton: "Oh noooo. It's special prosecutor Sluggo!!"

(Janice Simmons, Alexandria)

Clarence Thomas Aquinas: The saint who does whatever Saint Anthony does.

(Fil Feit, Annandale)

Dr. Ayman Boutros-Boutros Ghali: Tried to perform laser correction for that terrible vision problem the U.N. has.

(Dave Freitag, Potomac)

Elton John Tesh: Elevator shoes, and music. (Dave Freitag, Potomac)

Montezuma Thurman: Starring in "Poop Fiction." (Trish Hackman, Springfield, and Maureen Langan, New York)

John W. Nordstrom Thurmond: Opened a department store where there's always a white sale. (Joe Cackler, Falls Church)

Ray Charles Manson: No parole in sight, ever. (Dennis R. Millner, Manassas)

Lady Godivan the Terrible: Czar known for naked aggression.

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Juan Ponce de Leon Spinks: Boxer who searched in vain for the Fountain of Tooth. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Steve Martin Heidegger: German philosopher who had a feeling of ultimate meaningless about life, probably because of the arrow through his head.

(Roy Ashley, Washington)

"Lucky" Luciano Pavarotti: Sang to the feds. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Barney Frank Lloyd Wright: Designer of houses with no closets. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

George W. Somerset Maugham: "Of Human Bombage." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Vicente Fox Mulder: Illegal aliens are out there. (Gary Lefkowitz, Springfield)

Babe Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Throws left, bats left, leans left. (Bird Waring, New York)

Benedict Arnold Schwarzenegger: "I'll be backstabbing." (Jennifer Sklarew, Arlington; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Greg Norman Bates: A serial killer who chokes his victims.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Ayn Rand McNally: Atlas Published.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Raggedy Ann Coulter: She's really cute, but we gotta be grateful her mouth is sewn shut. (Susan Reese, Arlington)

Fat Albert Einstein: Hey{3} (Carl R. Katz, Potomac; T. Linden, Concord, Calif.)

Bob Dylan Thomas: "Duh nah guh jantuh enna thah goo nah."

(Mitch Mularz, Aberdeen, Wash;

Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Lenny Bruce Lee: Master of Kung Fu-- (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)

Babe Ruth Westheimer: A noted expert on getting past third base.

(Ruth Auerbach, College Park)

Dean Martin Luther King: "I have a drink." (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria)

Prince Rogers Nelson Rockefeller: Changed his name to the symbol $

(Bruce Carlson, Alexandria)

Gena Lee Nolan Ryan: Now that's a hard model to hit on.

(David Alexander, Capitol Heights)

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