Week 488 (CLV) : No Rest for the Query

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Copyright The Washington Post Company Jan 12, 2003

"What do you send a sick florist?" -- Henny Youngman

"Has any turtle ever outlived the shaker of turtle food?"

-- Jerry Seinfeld

"How come it's a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put in your two cents' worth? Somebody's making a penny!"

-- Steven Wright

"When you mix flour and water together, you get glue. And when you add sugar and eggs, you get a cake. Where does the glue go?" -- Rita Rudner

"Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?" -- Dave Edison

The last few contests got enormous numbers of entries, so for This Week's Contest we thought we'd slow things down with something really hard. Your challenge: Come up with a vexing, funny question about life, like the excellent ones above. Only original questions, please -- spare us the parkway- driveway conundrum or ruminations on why there is no other word for "thesaurus." First- prize winner gets a second bubblegum-wad purse.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312 or by e-mail to U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 20. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass.

Report from Week CLI, in which you were asked to tell us what would happen if an existing company ran a different business:

{diam}Second Runner-Up: If Apple Computer ran a dating service, only members of the same family would come up as compatible.

(Brian Barrett, Bethesda)

{diam}First Runner-Up: If Fox News ran the Redskins, every play would be "slant right."

(Sara Ulyanova, San Pedro Sula, Honduras)

{diam}And the winner of the vintage 1963 cardboard hot dog trays:

If Greyhound ran a psychiatric clinic, it would charge more for extra baggage.

(Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

If Citibank designed computers, whenever you were in a rush there would be only one window open.

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

If General Dynamics or some other Pentagon contractor ran Starbucks, a grande skim latte would cost, well, about what it costs now. Maybe a little less.

(Lee M. Goodwin, Washington)

If Kate Spade made gardening tools, teenage girls would be, like, sooo into troweling.

(Brian Barrett, Bethesda)

If NPR made roller coasters, it would be hard to tell an amusement park from a Metro stop.

(Brian Barrett, Bethesda)

If Johnson & Johnson made wedding cakes, there'd be no more tiers.

(Allison Wetterhahn, Silver Spring)

If E! Entertainment TV designed swimming pools, there would be no deep end.

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

If Reebok grew rice, at least the sweatshop employees could eat.

(Marc Leibert, New York)

If PepsiCo created laxatives, the Pepsi Challenge would become a reality TV show.

(Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls)

If Ben & Jerry designed fighter jets, the F-14 would have a catchier name, something like "Bomb-y Weather."

(Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls)

If Chevrolet made boats, it would change the "Like a Rock" campaign.

(Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

If the Washington Blade made mints, they'd be "bi-curiously strong."

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

If 3M made chocolate candy, it'd call it M&M&M's.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

If Tommy Hilfiger ran a hospital maternity wing, all birth certificates would be submitted as "Tommy Hilfiger."

(David E. Romm, Minneapolis)

If the Washington Redskins made cars, they wouldn't run.

(Robert Doherty, Alexandria)

If Wonder Bread made Wonderbras, they would be really tasteless.

(Maja Keech, New Carrollton)

If Jim Beam made Viagra, a fella could simply pour himself a stiff one.

(Dennis Millner, Manassas)

If the makers of Kaopectate made pantyhose, there would be no problem with runs. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

If Corning Glass made luggage, airport security would still miss the Uzi in your carry-on.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth Mo.)

If Amtrak made diaphragms, a lot of women would be late.

(Vanessa Winans, Toledo, Ohio)

If Suzuki made 401(k) plans, they would be easier to roll over.

(Martin Schulman, Herndon)

If Yugo maintained Metro's escalators, you wouldn't notice the difference.

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

If Larry David's production company published Shakespeare, his plays would be renamed "Much Ado About Nothing" and "Much More Ado About Nothing" and "Nothing -- What's That All About, Anyway?"

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

If AOL made Viagra, women would have to deal with even more of those annoying pop-ups.

(Pai Rosenthal, Sterling)

If Starbucks made bras, a 32A would be called a "grande." And you'd be paying a lot more for each cup.

(Jason Meyers, Charlottesville)

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