Week 485 (CLII) : Asterisky Business

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Copyright The Washington Post Company Dec 22, 2002

Dr. Smith: My son passed calculus* but he wasn't at all happy about it.

Dr. Jones: Why not?

Dr. Smith: It was the size of a pea!

Dr. Jones: Hahahaha.

(*In medicine, a calculus is a kidney stone.)

Why did the recently crowned Miss Argentina blush? Because she was embarasada!*

(*In Spanish,embarasada means pregnant.)

What sort of headgear might a cartoon character wear if you wanted to show that he got a sudden, brilliant idea? An impulse turban!*

(*In mechanics, an "impulse turbine"

is a kind of electrical generator.)

This Week's Contest: Write a joke with a punch line depending on knowledge so esoteric that it requires an asterisked explanation. The best entries will be the ones in which, once explained, the joke is actually pretty funny. First-prize winner gets a huge bra and panties, promotional materials from the dreadful movie "Big Momma's House."

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312, or by e-mail to U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 30. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo.

Report from Week CXLVIII, in which you were asked to create homophones of existing words and define them:

{diam}Third Runner-Up: Jestation: That pregnant pause between joke and punch line. (Max Sudol, Richmond, Australia)

{diam}Second Runner-Up: Masseuss: A Lorax who rubs your thorax. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

{diam}First Runner-Up: Amfibian: A frog who, after you kiss him, remains a frog. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

{diam}And the winner of the genuine photocopy of "John Train's Most Remarkable Names":

Auntacid: Saliva on a tissue used to wipe your face. (Michael D. Levy, Silver Spring)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

Suepersize: To expand the boundaries of your class action lawsuit. (Jerome Uher, New York)

Siouxshi: Bison tartare.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Crockodial: Describing the lizardlike business of telemarketing. (Jane Freedman, Wellesley, Mass.; Kevin Bruns, Potomac)

Pi-eyed: 3.1415962653 sheets to the wind. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Reapublican: Someone who is against

government handouts, except for crop

subsidies. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Prostitoot: A little beep to get her to look your way. (Kyle Bonney, Fairfax)

Unaverse: Ted Kaczynski's cell.

(Kyle Bonney, Fairfax)

Schottenfreude: Taking malicious

satisfaction in the misfortune

of the employer who fired you.

(Jim Parisi, Washington)

Chow Maine: General Tso's Lobster.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Decolletaj: The world's most breathtaking sight. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Guynecology: The study of the female

reproductive system via certain Web sites. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria)

Porenography: Extreme close-ups on those same Web sites. (Nick Dierman, San Francisco)

Phyllosophy: An argument so thin as to be nearly transparent.

(Craig DuBose, Charlottesville)

Pillgrimage: A junkie's perpetual quest.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Phallusy: The contention that size doesn't matter. (Joe Kobylski, Hyattsville)

Wrapture: The feeling one gets when one has completed all Christmas shopping

by Thanksgiving. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Fauxtographer: That nice man who wants to get you into modeling.

(Paul Dudley, Ellicott City)

Blisster: A symptom of an STD

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Footbawl: A Redskins game.

(Bonnie Firestone, Annandale;

Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Self-improvemeants: Broken New Year's

resolutions. (Brian Barrett, Bethesda)

Socratease: When you know the answer, but only give out hints.

(Gregory Krakower, New York)

Echoterrorist: Someone who maliciously

repeats everything you say.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Queery: To ask the question that dares not speak its name. (Lindsey Durway, Austin)

Coytus: A little late to be playing hard to get. (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.)

Carma: When the Porsche that passed you at 85 mph on the Beltway gets pulled over by a state trooper. (Nick Dierman, San Francisco)

Goobernatorial: Describing actions taken by the head of state of West Virginia.

(Nick Dierman, San Francisco)

Brewse: A contusion caused by falling down drunk. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Exequeuetion: Death row.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Peeanist: One who tinkles the ivories.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Lockleer: A come-Heather look.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Liverworst: The unkindest cold cut of all. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Costomb: A shroud.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Wryvalry: The Style Invitational.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

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