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Week 480 (CXLVII) : In No Uncertain Terminations


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Copyright The Washington Post Company Nov 17, 2002

Telemarketer: "So, like, what are you wearing?"

Panhandler: "No, I don't have spare change. But I need some. Have you any?"

Person with mayoral petition: "Sure, let me put my John Hancock on it. Actually my name IS John Hancock, and believe it or not my signature is remarkably similar to . . ."

This week's contest: Quick, no-nonsense ways to terminate annoying approaches. Choose an unwanted overture of any sort, as in those above, and come up with a way to stop it dead in its tracks. First-prize winner gets a 20-page lavishly illustrated travelogue, submitted by reader Helen Quinn, documenting the globe- hopping adventures of her Tea Boy mechanical tea-bag-dunking penguin, photographed in places like Malaysia, Vietnam and the Great Wall of China. No, we have no idea either, but there it is. It's nicer than most books, and far weirder. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought- after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 25. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content.

Results will be published in four weeks.

No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate

relatives, are not eligible for prizes.

Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.

Report From Week CXLIII, which asked you to coin "portmanteau words" by combining two words that overlap by two letters or more:

{diam}Fourth Runner-Up: Estrogeniality: The attribute that compels women to go to the restroom in pairs. (Joy Vizi, Sterling)

{diam}Third Runner-Up: Euphemistress: One's "niece." (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

{diam}Second Runner-Up: Nazionist: One truly mixed-up SOB. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

{diam}First Runner-Up: Mulligangster: A hit man who is afforded a second shot when his first is not successful. (Mike Genz, La Plata)

{diam}And the winner of the human head replica: Rhinoplasterisk: Indicates that a person's appearance on a "Most Beautiful" list may have been surgically assisted.

(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

Abracadabacus: What magic bean counters use.

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Anapestimate: In auto repair, two small approximations followed by a much larger bill. (Michael Becraft, Reston)

Apocryphaltruism: Overstating one's charitable deductions.

(Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Arroganthology: The Gore Vidal reader. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke)

Baseballoon: A coach who has "put on a few pounds" since playing in the outfield. (Toby Gottfried, Santa Ana, Calif.)

Bashcroft: The purpose of Washington Post articles about the attorney general. (Steve O'Rourke, Washington)

Begetcetera: Multiple births.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Brassiereprimand: "Hey, my face is up here." (G.T. Bowman, Falls Church)

Cicadaver: Deceased people who surface every four years or so, for a Chicago mayoral election. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Cirrhost: The bartender.

(Ron Bottomly, Columbia)

Coleslawsuit: Legal action taken without a shred of evidence.

(Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Communiqueserasera: An unimportant

message. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Conundrumbeat: Why are we going to war with Iraq again?

(David E. Romm, Minneapolis)

Courtshipwreck: A dating error so disastrous it ends a relationship. Example: Sleeping with her sister.

(Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

Daschlemiel: Senate Majority Wimp. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Defibrillatte: Really, really strong coffee. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke)

Dershowitzer: An expert in cannon law. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Dubyak: Not exactly the Gettysburg

Address. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

Ethiccup: A brief, involuntary suspension of one's moral principles.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Expresso: A strong coffee drink made with breast milk. (Bruce Evans, Washington)

Foxymoron: A perfect 10 in looks and IQ. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

Frigidiot: Those shirtless guys at January football games.

(Jimmy LaCaria, Watertown, N.Y.)

Genitaltruistic: A polite way of describing the promiscuous.

(John Griessmayer, Roanoke)

Hemperor: A drug kingpin.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Humordure: Poopy jokes. (Chuck Smith,

Woodbridge)

Impotentate: Saddam, before Viagra.

(Paul Dudley, Ellicott City)

Internetherworld: Where failed dot-coms go. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Jihades: Where suicide bombers go.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Ketchupscale: Condiment made exclusively of tomahtoes.

(Mike Genz, La Plata)

Kimchihuahua: Asian food made with secret special ingredients.

(Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Leotarp: Plus-size workout wear.

(Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

Liberalchemy: Tax plus spend equals happiness for all. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Malaproposition: "Hey, babe, want to preamble over to my place and

copopulate?" (Dan Steinberg, Falls Church)

Manureporter: A gossip columnist.

(Leni Steiner, Baltimore)

Monotontological: Relating to the dullness inherent in existence.

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Moulin Rouget's Thesaurus: A compendium of related words about truth, beauty, freedom but, above all, love. (David E. Romm, Minneapolis)

Mountaine'er-do-well: A hillbilly who makes Snuffy Smith seem like Laurence Olivier. (Sue MacDonald, Cincinnati)

Muslimbaugh: Islam's really conservative branch.

(Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)

Necromantic: When you slip a ring on your lover's hand, then sacrifice a chicken so she can rise again and dance joyously with you to celebrate your eternal life together.

(Beth Baniszewski, Cambridge, Mass.)

Orgasmithsonian: A museum of

pornography. (John Holder, Rock Hill, S.C.)

Palindromedary: The camelemac, a two-humped beast of burden.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Penultimatum: I'm going to tell you this only one more time after this . . .

(Dot Yufer, Newton, W. Va.)

Pestivate: To spend the summer sponging off relatives.

(Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

Prostituition: A whorrible way to pay for college. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Pseudonymphomaniac: Mrs. John Smith (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Punditto: Talking heads who keep agreeing with each other.

(Joseph Romm, Washington)

Serpentateuch: In which Genesis is retold from the point of view of the snake. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Shagrin: Regret regarding whom one has just awakened next to.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Slothello: A quick tempered Moor who, overcome with jealousy, wants to kill his wife, his friend and himself, but never gets around to it. (Jordy Keith and Adam Bauserman, Canon City, Colo.)

Snydermatology: The controversial practice of removing unsightly blemishes on your Skins; sometimes does more damage than good.

(Doug Burns, Falls Church)

Subterraneanderthal: A subway groper. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Teatery: A Hooters restaurant.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Therapistemologist: One who asks, "How do you know that you know what you feel about that?" (Peter Carlton, Waldorf)

Trepanache: The ability to keep your head when someone is trying to drill holes in it. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Vivacuous: Describing a cheerleader.

(John R. Shea, Philadelphia)

Zeppelingerie: Undergarments for the full-figured frau.

(Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)


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