Week 478 (CXLV) : Do You Mindset

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Copyright The Washington Post Company Nov 3, 2002

People have always worn cast-iron diving helmets when pumping gas.

Barbie always had a job.

"Big Brother" is just a TV show.

Cyberspace has always existed, like air.

Afghanistan has always been in the news.

A "hot line" is a phone for community service,

not a security measure against nuclear war.

This week's contest was suggested by John O'Byrne of Dublin. Above are items from the 2002 Mindset List, created each year by professors at Beloit College in Wisconsin to help their colleagues understand the new freshman class -- most of whom, this year, were born in 1984. Your goal is to anticipate items for the Mindset List for the freshman class of the year 2020. First-prize winner gets an autographed Carl Kasell bobblehead doll. Carl is the scorekeeper on the weekly NPR quiz show "Wait, Wait . . . Don't Tell Me!" This prize was donated by the PR people at National Public Radio to demonstrate what good sports they are, and how they are not remotely offended by the results of Week CXLI, printed below. First runner- up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought- after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e- mail to U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 11. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg.

Report from Week CXLI,

in which you were asked to write a pangram -- a sentence containing all the letters of the alphabet -- that would never appear on NPR. Fifty letters max. (NPR ran its own pangram contest first. Its winner was the rawthur NPR-ish "G.W. Bush quickly fixed prize jam on TV.") We were amazed by the number of pathetic feebs who submitted unoriginal work as their own, including the appropriately hoary "Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs." We were also amazed at how many of the winners needed a little rewriting to get all the letters in: Sloppy, people, sloppy. One of the best responses, alas, wins no prize because it failed to contain itself in a single sentence:

A: "Jeopardy's" Alex Trebek. Q: What TV quiz MC is funny as angina? (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

{diam}Fifth Runner-Up: Klutzy carving-up by quack mohels "fixed" a Jew.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

{diam}Fourth Runner-Up: A defamed prez and bulky JAP exchange quiet vows.

(Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

{diam}Third Runner-Up: Jeez, woman, quit blocking the TV and go fix my supper.

(Amy S. Tryon, Washington)

{diam}Second Runner-Up: Acfgjklmopquvxz wins the derby! (Wayne Nicholson, Winchester, Va.)

{diam}First Runner-Up: "Who am taking the Ebonics quiz?" the prof jovially axed.

(Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

{diam}And the winner of the two jars of Trader Joe's Marionberry Spreadable Fruit:

NPR is a crazy-quilt mix of half-baked new-age jive. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

Kvetching, flummoxed by job, W. zaps Iraq. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

Our job's to nuke Iraq, vex a fuzzy-

mustached low pig.

(Rick Fisher, South Riding)

Mr. Bush's face jerks quietly, a wavy

pretzel pharynx-lodged.

(Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia)

We faxed the Czar a bevy of gem-

quality sphincter jokes.

(Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

Jew mobsters finagled Zovirax from

phony quacks. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Israel's jumpy, being a quick stone's throw from vexed zealots.

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Aged women fart exactly like quiet

zephyrs, by Jove. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

"Jeopardy" quiz show emcee Alex

Trebek is a vain, goofy ninny.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

He's quickly devouring beans for extra tailwind in jump zone.

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

"We give NPR CPR," says Alex Trebek of the fun quiz game "Jeopardy."

(Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

Rose red / kumquat orange / Phlox white / Jive Czar's fat butt . . . oy!

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

A bad ex-VP can't forget the lowly media jerks' potato quiz.

(Greg Thome, Arlington)

Just a quick blow with Mom gave

Oedipus Rex a prize of no eyes.

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Jinxed by VD, a glum Schwarzkopf quit. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Saying "whazzup" was quickly

voted far more enjoyable than sex. (John Burton, Herndon)

Gay ex-jeweler Kevin Fiz hoped to become President AND Queen.

(Bird Waring, New York)

Mr. Zbigniew Brzezinski chafed in sexy opaque velvet PJs.

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Lizzy Borden, quoting Jack

Kevorkian, offs Ma 'n' Pa with Xanax. (R.M. Oba, Washington)

Zooey just loved a quickie before waxing her armpits.

(John Hiles, Hyattsville)

We've seen Jimi, Queensryche, Styx,

Zeppelin, BB King and Foghat.

(Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.)

Zeb's an old virgin; his quest for sex makes cows jumpy.

(Mary Lou French, Lorton)

Iraqis eat juicy pickled zoo bat, cow phlegm and fox ovaries.

(Gary Patishnock, Laurel)

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