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Week 459 (CXXVI) : Stock Humor


school field hockey in Prince William County.

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Copyright The Washington Post Company Jun 23, 2002

Embratl: Company manufactures remote-control rattles that deliver a mild shock, for training bratty kids.

BlkMTar: Company supplies secret cover-ups ("black-market tarpaulins") to businesses facing scandal.

CrnPdts: Company supplies down-homey, aw-shucks, hick-style political commentators to TV stations in places like Omaha or Peoria.

ThrdWve: Company gives lucrative divorce strategies to young spouses of rich old men.

This Week's Contest was suggested by Eric D. Shaffer of Silver Spring. Eric suggests that you look at the abbreviated company names in the Nasdaq or New York Stock Exchange stock listings in any newspaper's business section (no other exchanges will be accepted) and suggest what businesses the companies might be in, as in the above examples. First-prize winner gets "How to Win Pageants," a book by Ginie Polo Sayles on how to craft your life so as to ace beauty pageants. This amazing book, written without a hint of irony, is chock-full of important tips, such as how to sit, how to walk, and how to properly tape your bosom. One of the best tips is how to improve your self-esteem: Take anything anyone has ever said to you that is hurtful (actual example: "You're so dumb!") and put it in a list marked "Lie." Then you start a new list marked "Truth" featuring the opposite thought (actual example: "You're so smart!") Then you cross out the first list really, really a lot until you can't see it anymore! The book also has an extensive, exclusive interview with Miss Universe 1988, whose name is Porntip Nakhirunkanok.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, July 1. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg.

Report from Week CXXII,

in which we asked you to take any two characters from the comics pages and combine them into a new character.

Some people chose simple punny name combinations, and we rejected all of these, especially and emphatically the one by Robin Grove of Pasadena, Md., combining Dilbert with Baldo. A special blind T- shirt award goes to Jennifer Hart of Arlington. Her spectacular entry crossing Blondie with the women in "Apartment 3-G" was going to be published until the Auxiliary Czar informed the Czar that she did not wish, at this time, to be ordered to take over the contest while the Czar was reassigned to covering high school field hockey in Prince William County.

Several people did not follow the rules but came up with terrific ideas anyway, the best of which was:

Cross "Apartment 3-G" with "Zippy the Pinhead" and get "Seinfeld." (Greg Arnold, Herndon)

{diam}Third Runner-Up:

Cross Mark Trail with Sherman from "Sherman's Lagoon" and get a shark who not only eats people, but discusses the environmental benefits of human depopulation.

(Sugar Strawn and Jack Welsch, Alexandria)

{diam}Second Runner-Up:

Cross Linus from "Peanuts" with one of the X-men and get Linuxman, a monopoly-fighting superhero who jumps from Windows.

(Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

{diam}First Runner-Up:

Cross Mickey Mouse and Mark Trail and get a character who can finally explain precisely what species of animal Goofy is, and why it is that Mickey and his duck, dog, mouse and cow friends all got to be the same size.

(Stephen Fahey, Kensington)

{diam}And the winner of the Official Major League Baseball in a plastic cube:

Cross Cathy with the Fat Broad from "B.C." and get a woman who stops beating herself up for being fat and starts beating up other people for mentioning it.

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

Cross Grandpa from "The Family Circus" with Ignatz Mouse from "Krazy Kat" and get an angel who looks down on his grandkids from Heaven and drops bricks on their heads.

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Cross Sarge from "Beetle Bailey" with Mary Worth and get a character who never once utters %$*!*# words, but persuades Beetle to change his lazy ways through gentle encouragement and moral suasion.

(Roy Ashley, Washington)

Cross Mr. Mxyzptlk from "Superman" with Joe Btfsplk from "Li'l Abner" and get an annoying jrnx who qlkcts into a zrpdblyj whenever sczklphb.

(Chris Doyle, Burke)

Cross Veronica Lodge from "Archie" with Broom Hilda, and watch as Archie finally goes for Betty, as we all knew he should.

(Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Cross Bugs Bunny with Ms. Trellis from "On the Fastrack" and get a rabbit feminist.

(John O'Byrne, Dublin)

Cross Mark Trail with Zippy and get a pompadoured naturalist who delivers bloodless speeches to kids about the habitat of giant cement ducks.

(Ed Engel, Prince Frederick)

Cross Calvin of "Calvin and Hobbes" with Li'l Abner. Abner now has an imaginary sheep.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Cross Snuffy Smith with Lt. Fuzz from "Beetle Bailey" and get a character who turns himself in to the revenooers.

(Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

Cross Grimmy from "Mother Goose and Grimm" with Trixie from "Hi and Lois" and get a baby who drinks from the toilet.

(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Cross Grog from "B.C." with Mark Trail and get yet another man who will never evolve.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Cross Rex Morgan with Dennis the Menace and get a mischievous little scamp who's always sneaking out and giving the napping Mr. Wilson colonoscopies.

(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Cross Ruthie from "One Big Happy" with the piranha from "The Piranha Club" and get one big, happy, well-fed piranha.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Cross Blondie with Rex Morgan and get a doctor who, after he botches surgery, runs to his bedroom and flings himself across the bed, crying "Oh, boo hoo hoo!"

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Cross Obvious Man from "Non Sequitur" with Lucky Eddie from "Hagar the Horrible" and get Oblivious Man, a savant who speaks the truth without understanding it.

(Ellen Black, Centreville)

Cross Cathy with Mark Trail and get an outdoorsman with 46 pairs of hiking boots.

(Pete Hughes, Alexandria)

Cross Miss Buxley from "Beetle Bailey" with Dolly from "The Family Circus" and get a Freudian nightmare for Billy.

(Bird Waring, New York)

Cross Peppermint Patty from "Peanuts" with Sgt. Lugg from "Beetle Bailey" and, um, don't ask, don't tell.

(Bird Waring, New York)

And Last:

Combine Mark Trail with Judge Parker and Rex Morgan and Mary Worth and get a cartoon in which Mark Trail gets to lecture kids about how, by combining boring strips no one reads, we can all pitch in to save paper.

(George J. Papanicolaou, Bethesda)


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