Week 449 (CXVI) : Cut and Pastiche


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Copyright The Washington Post Company Apr 14, 2002

This week we reprise one of our favorite contests from yesteryear -- 1994, to be exact. Create a new, funny headline from the words of any headlines appearing anywhere in today's Post (or on You may use words from as many headlines as you wish, and may combine them in whatever order you wish, but you cannot subdivide words -- i.e., the smallest usable unit is an entire word. You must specify which headlines you use, and give us the page numbers, for verification. First-prize winner gets a second Hubert Humphrey bottle from the 1968 campaign, still in its box. This is a value of $40.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312, or by e-mail to U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, April 22. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass., who thought of it before Chris Doyle of Burke.

Report from Week CXII:

In our contest seeking cynical definitions a{grv} la Ambrose Bierce, we were looking for jaded drolleries, and not simple puns -- though we got plenty of the latter, the niftiest of which were these from Chris Doyle of Burke: "Bushism: The syntax of the father visited on the son," and "Female: The sex that believes sighs matter." We also cite our colleague Tom Shroder of Vienna, who suggested "Terrorist: A car-bomb based life form."

{diam}Fifth Runner-Up: Lottery: A tax on poor math skills. (Id Rooney, Arlington)

{diam}Fourth Runner-Up: Leader: One who follows loudly. (Tom Rogers, Oakton)

{diam}Third Runner-Up: Potential: The measure of a person's lack of achievement.

(Eva Moore, Ithaca, N.Y.)

{diam}Second Runner-Up: Role Model: A professional athlete whose conduct rises to the level expected of everyone else. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

{diam}First Runner-Up: Aging: Paced dying. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

{diam}And the winner of the genuine Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey clown mask and nose:

Peacetime: When there are no wars anywhere you care about. (Mike Genz, La Plata)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

E-mail: An urban legend delivery

system. (Morgan Malino, Fremont, Calif.)

Deadline: A predetermined time by which an excuse must be fabricated as to why something was not completed. (Ken Advent, Parma, Ohio)

Reform: The attempt to restructure inequities to your advantage.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Reform: Periodic replacement of one unworkable political system by another. (Ken Advent, Parma, Ohio)

Telemarketer: A Caller ID salesman. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke)

Righteous: What self-righteous people think they are. (John Griessmayer,


Social Security: The world's largest

pyramid scheme. (Elliott Schiff,

Orefield, Pa.)

Religion: A singular form of gambling in which one may never be sure of which game one is playing, the rules of the game, the value of one's chips, whether the casino will honor those chips, or if indeed there is a casino at all.

(Id Rooney, Arlington)

Foreign: Not yet American. (Marc Hirsh, Somerville, Mass.)

Celebrity: One who suffers from an odd mental condition, defined by the desire for solitude and the pursuit of recognition. (Mark Young, Washington)

Sophistry: Reasoning used by

your opponent. (Mike Genz, La Plata)

Taxes: Money you complain about giving the government to pay for services whose absence you would complain about. (John O'Hanlon, Germantown)

Cleavage: The part of the anatomy that a woman exposes for the purpose of having men not stare at it. (John O'Hanlon, Germantown)

Fanatic: Someone devoted to a cause in which you do not believe. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Manager: Someone who doesn't know what you do but knows what it is worth. (Mary Claire Salander, Arlington)

Lawyer: One to whom you give money to prevent another from taking it.

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Child Support: The percentage of your income you are willing to sacrifice

in exchange for parental responsibility.

(Mary Claire Salander, Arlington)

Prayer: A form of begging that leaves one's pride intact. (Tom Witte,


Ecumenism: Warm embrace of other

religions whose adherents are eternally damned to roast in Hell.

(Mike Genz, La Plata)

Strict constructionist: One who

interprets the Constitution as he believes the document's slaveholding, misogynistic, elitist authors would have.

(Chris Doyle, Burke)

CIA: A clandestine organization created to ensure Their cheating doesn't

conflict with Our cheating.

(Id Rooney, Arlington)

Singer-songwriter: Anyone who owns a guitar. (Frank Mullen III, Heathsville, Va.)

Morality: Principles to follow for good conduct, inspired by the feeling that others are watching. (William Bradford, Washington)

Ethics: Conspicuous compunction.

(Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

Principle: The noble thing that, in

pursuit of, one will do anything,

to anyone, at any time.

(Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Multimedia: Employing images and sound in educational tools so as to allow those who cannot write to communicate with those who cannot read.

(Frank Mullen III, Heathsville, Va.)

Deregulation: A political movement to replace the abuses of big government with the abuses of big business.

(Fred Dawson, Beltsville)

Tramp: A woman who is sleeping with everyone but you. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria)

Relativism: The absolute belief that there are no absolutes.

(Joe Harsel, Falls Church)

Middle-aged: An age bracket beginning with persons three or four years older than you. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

And Last:

Cynicism: A compensatory tool used by those lacking in wit. (Bill Chang,

New York)

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