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Week 448 (CXV) : What Kind of Foal Am I


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Copyright The Washington Post Company Apr 7, 2002

Breed Stratus to Windward Passage and name the foal Flatus.

Breed Dubai Destination to Raven Power and name the foal Dubaibai Blackbird.

Breed Expect to Spitfire Man and name the foal Expectorator.

Breed Fonz's to Easy Grades and name the foal All AAAAYYYYY's.

This Week's Contest, as it is every year, was suggested by Michael "Mikey the Tout" Hammer, who may have moved from Herndon to Arlington but who remains obsessed by the ponies. Elsewhere on this page is a list of all the horses eligible for Triple Crown races this year. Your job is to mate any two of them and propose a name for their foal, as in the examples above. As per Triple Crown rules, no name may exceed 18 total characters, including spaces. (You may ignore the actual genders of the horses if, like Mike, you happen to know them and have charted their estrus cycles.) First-prize winner gets a set of three decks of "Humor for Dummies" cards by Malcolm Kushner, "America's Favorite Humor Consultant." The Czar cannot adequately communicate the degree of humor embodied in these cards, except to quote from one of them: "Here are some useful words for child-rearing that don't yet exist. (But they should!)

1. Toyvay: An exclamation that's uttered when you enter a room with playthings strewn all over the floor. 2. Diapersuade: A threat to make someone else change the diapers. 3. Tantrumpled . . ."

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, April 15. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass.

Report from Week CXI,

in which we asked you to answer any of that day's letters to advice columnists in The Post in the voice of some celebrity, living or dead. (We have summarized the letters in the results below.)

{diam}Second Runner-Up: I am overweight. Would you please tell your readers that dumping someone because she's not good-looking is a shallow thing to do?

I'm not gonna trash someone because he dumps a whiner like you. Your empty love life is not his fault. It's not Mommy's fault, Daddy's fault or Krispy Kreme's fault. There's only one person to blame and you know very well who that is. Bill Clinton. -- Michael Kelly. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

{diam}First Runner-Up: I have a live-in girlfriend, but I've been flirty with a woman at work who really attracts me. Should I stop the flirtation, leave my girlfriend, or leave both of them and start anew?

I'm not sure I see the problem here. -- Brigham Young. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

{diam}And the winner of the "Jimmy Neutron" rubber wig:

I have custody of the kids, and there's an arrest warrant out on my wife for delinquent child support. She is coming into town because her mother is dying. Would it be wrong of me to notify the police?

Tell your ex-wife's dying mother that if she ever wants to see her daughter again, she will have to pay the delinquency. -- Niccolo Machiavelli (Mike Genz, La Plata)

{diam}Honorable Mentions

I am a divorced, balding 65-year-old woman who wears a wig. Should I tell my boyfriends about this before we get intimate? Or should I try to figure out some way of holding the wig on during intimacy?

Wear a sack over your head. And have your boyfriend wear a sack, too, just in case yours breaks. -- Don Rickles (Chris Doyle, Burke)

What is it with wigs and old ladies? Do they think they are fooling us? Do they think we don't know that powder blue is not a natural hair color? Why don't they just put cotton candy on their heads? -- Jerry Seinfeld (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Do what I do: Before you remove it, make sure they're too drunk to remember. -- Burt Reynolds (Bob Dalton, Arlington)

Mix equal portions of honey, starch and lemon Jell-O powder in a soup can. Stir in some pencil sharpener filings, simmer five minutes, and you have a paste that will hold a wig on a bucking bronco. -- Heloise (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Apply the wig to your head with nails from an air-powered roofing gun. -- Leopold von Sacher Masoch. (William Bradford, Washington; David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

Is your boyfriend a great deal older than you, and wealthy? If so, I would recommend that you marry him quickly, and then yell, "SURPRISE!" -- Anna Nicole Smith (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

I have custody of the kids, and there's an arrest warrant out on my ex-wife for delinquent child support. She is coming into town because her mother is dying. Would it be wrong of me to notify the police?

We've got a little surprise for you. It's not her mom that your ex is coming to see. She's coming to see her new lover. Let's go ahead and bring him out now . . . Say hello to your own FATHER! -- Jerry Springer (John Kammer, Herndon)

I am overweight. Would you please tell your readers that dumping someone because she's not good-looking is a shallow thing to do?

Hey, if you can fit in the back seat of a '75 Cutlass, you're all right with me, sweetcheeks. -- Joey Buttafuoco. (Mark Young, Washington)

If you need to hire the best 10 people for your company, but they all happen to be of the same race, what would you do?

They all HAPPEN to be of the same race? Of COURSE they are all of the same race. -- John Rocker (Roy Ashley, Washington)

I think there's a better option. In the real world, there would be far [emphasis mine] more excellent people than I would ever be able to see. So I'd take extra time . . . -- Doris Kearns Goodwin (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

What do the expressions "weird science" and "forfeit caffeine" have in common?

They'd both be good names for a rock band. -- Dave Barry (Allon Vishkin, Rockville)

I have a live-in girlfriend, but I've been flirty with a woman at work who really attracts me. Should I stop the flirtation, leave my girlfriend, or leave both of them and start anew?

Go ahead and check out the chemistry with your co-worker; if things work out, you can always put the squeeze on the pope for an annulment with your current mate. If things don't work out, you can have your co-worker beheaded. -- Henry VIII (Arthur M. Litoff, York Springs, Pa.)

Go for the one with the best marbling. -- Jeff Dahmer (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

Introduce the two ladies. You know, see how things develop. Please send me another letter describing the results, in graphic detail. -- Bob Guccione (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Have them duke it out with tire irons. Winner gets you. -- Tonya Harding (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)


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