Week 446 (CXIII) : Poems Where the Heart Is

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Copyright The Washington Post Company Mar 24, 2002

No one's quite willing to say

How Enron collapsed in a day.

Since no one's confessing

There's simply no guessing

Where most of the real blame Ken Lay.

This Week's Contest was suggested by Grady Norris, of New Bern, N.C. Take any recent news event and summarize it in a rhyming poem of eight lines or fewer. Any style. First-prize winner gets a three-piece mariachi band made from taxidermized frogs. This is worth $30.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312, or by e-mail to U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, April 1. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Mark Fruiterman, of Albany, N.Y.

Report from Week CIX,

in which we asked you to slightly alter one word in the title of a book or movie, and reconfigure the plot. We got more than 5,000 entries. Several excellent title alterations remain prizeless because the authors never quite came up with worthy accompanying plots. Among these: "On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix," "Down and Out in Beverly Sills," "Five Easy Pisces" and "The Brothers Kalashnikov."

{diam}Fourth Runner-Up: The Thee Musketeers: A trio of swashbuckling Amish farmers valiantly defend their way of life. (Kyle Bonney, Fairfax)

{diam}Third Runner-Up: The Velveeta Rabbit: Sadly, no matter how much love you give it, it's simply never going to be Real. (Peter Cashwell, Woodberry Forest, Va.)

{diam}Second Runner-Up: The Perfect Strom: "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" meets "The Stepford Wives." When America's oldest senator dies, a South Carolina biotech firm creates an animatronic robot to replace him, and nobody can tell the difference. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

{diam}First Runner-Up: Oedipus Ref: A blind man applies for work in the NBA, is hired because of EEOC guidelines. Story chronicles his bravery in the face of fan abuse, including: "Yo, ref, I slept with your mama and I didn't poke MY eyes out." (Roy Ashley, Washington)

{diam}And the winner of the special Loser T-shirt that Gov. Parris Glendening never picked up: Bambo: A young buck seeks revenge against his mother's killer. (Jeffrey Martin, Gaithersburg)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

Dial P for Murder, by Dan Quayle.

(Roy Ashley, Washington)

Maul the President's Men: Having cut their teeth on FBI agents, the Prince George's County K-9 squad takes on the Secret Service. (Jon Graft, Centreville)

She's Halving a Baby: An epic on the life of King Solomon.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Hi, Noon: In this prequel to "Goodnight Moon," a little rabbit greets the day and absolutely everything in it.

(Dudley Thompson, Rockville)

Strangers on a Tray: The Jeffrey Dahmer story. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Four Shreddings and a Funeral: The Enron saga is rushed to the big screen. (Brooks E. Bowers, Damascus;

Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

The Good, the Bad and Theology: A stranger rides into town and proceeds to set everyone straight. Not all the locals are pleased. Starring Clint Eastwood as Jesus. (Dudley Thompson, Rockville)

Exoduh: After leaving the White House, Richard Nixon learns that Israel is "full of Jews." (Bob Dalton, Arlington)

Bob & Carol & Ted & Lice: The prequel to "Shampoo." (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Abridged Too Far: From Reader's Digest Studios, an epic saga of World War II. 48 minutes; rated G. (Jonathan Paul,

Garrett Park)

The Angina Monologues: If it's heartache you want, it's heartache you'll get as the author candidly discusses that place "up here."

(Jeff Covel, Arlington)

The JAMA Sutra: A guide to medically sanctioned safe-sex positions.

(Kelly Dalton, Woodberry Forest, Va.)

The Faked and the Dead: In hindsight, Norman Mailer admits that maybe he was duped a bit by Jack Henry Abbott. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

The Old Man and the D: The saga of J. Howard Marshall and Anna Nicole Smith. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

The Adventures of Huckleberry Fink: He sold his friend down the river. (John Foshee, Austin)

Apocalypse Snow: Downtown Washington gets some wintry mix during rush hour. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Rocky Too: The fighter faces his toughest opponent yet -- his evil clone! (Joe Neff, Oreland, Pa.)

Them Elements of Style: Voted unanimously by educators as Least Useful Reference Book. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Goodwill Hunting: The story of a young man with a first-class mind and second-class wardrobe. (Barry Robbins, Silver Spring)

Done With the Wind: The Beano story. (Rita Zeidner, Arlington)

Brrr: A novelization of the life of William Henry Harrison, who should have worn a coat to his inauguration. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria)

The Grapes of Rather: A young reporter in Texas, poor as a June bug in a hailstorm, is forced to travel to New York where, like a hoot owl at a quilting bee, he seeks his fortune in journalism. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

M*O*S*H: The chronicles of the wacky first-aid physicians at rock concerts. (Frank Balz, Silver Spring)

Yeast of Eden: The story of the first biblical plague. (Judith Cottrill,New York)

Long Day's Journey Into Naught: The biography of Sisyphus.

(Peter Ramsberger, Alexandria)

Lady Chatterley's Louver: A story of blind obsession. (Michael West, Pittsburgh)

The World According to AARP: Show times at 9:30 a.m., noon and 2:30 p.m.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Madame Ovary: A rural 19th-century French wife and her incessantly ticking biological clock. (Chris Rubino,

San Diego)

There's Something About Dairy: Another Farrelly Bros. comedy, this time set on a farm. Includes predictable trying-to-milk-the- male-cow gag. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

All the Presidents' Menses: Female CEOs have a frank discussion of questionable decisions they make every four weeks. (Bob Grossman, Columbia)

Irma El Duce: Turns out ol' Musso had something of the J. Edgar Hoover syndrome -- black shirt by day, black teddy at night. (Judith Cottrill, New York)

A Beautiful Hind: A two-hour feature film showing nothing but Anna Kournikova bending over to pick up tennis balls. (David Kleinbard,

Jersey City)

Citizen Kant: A young philosopher searches for the meaning of his mentor's dying words: "Does empirical realism sufficiently justify non-reductionistic determinism, or is

a priori knowledge required?"

(Frank Mullen III, Heathsville, Va.;

Joseph Romm, Washington)

Duck: In his controversial new biography, Edmund Morris examines the life of Daffy Duck, while imagining himself to be Elmer Fudd. (John Mewshaw, Laurel)

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