Week 400 (LXVII) : Life Is Snort

Full Text (1279   words)
Copyright The Washington Post Company May 6, 2001

The barn's on fire. The BARN is on fire. The barn is on FIRE. The barn IS on fire. I SAID, the barn is on fire. It's burning to the ground. Cows

screaming. The horses going nuts. Chickens running around like their heads have been cut off. Smoke. Flames. Death. Destruction. THE BARN IS ON FIRE ALREADY. Look, what part of "woof woof" don't you understand?

-- Lassie, Universal Studios, Hollywood, Calif.

Marriage is a sacred institution. Yadda yadda yadda. I don't think people understand how hard it is to live up to a fairy tale. The pressure alone can wilt you. You tell me: Whose kiss is really all that magical? Ever after turns out to be a whole lot longer than it sounds. And then there's that handsome-prince part. Don't get me started.

-- Chuck Windsor, London

Well, maybe just one more.

-- Robert Downey Jr., Culver City, Calif.

This week's contest is based on the "Life Is Short" feature that

appears weekly in the

Sunday Style section. "Life Is Short" challenges readers to give insight into their lives in under 100 words -- to write an autobiographical haiku of sorts. Understanding our neighbors is all fine and good, but we felt "Life Is Short" could benefit from a little more Star Power. With that in mind, write a "Life Is Short" entry -- in under 100 words with all that good insight junk -- only doing it in the voice of a celebrity, living or dead, as in the above examples. First-prize winner gets a clown-face ice cream scooper that sings "Happy Birthday" as you scoop. Says here this is an $11.95 value marked down to $2.79.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312; by e-mail to; or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXVII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, May 14. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. The revised title for next week's contest (signs with missing letters) is by Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn, Pa., who wins a T- shirt.

in which we asked readers to "breed" any two horses on a list of Triple Crown qualifiers and name the offspring. As usual, this annual contest drew thousands and thousands of entries from suddenly crazed readers. Perennial overfiler Mary Lee Fox Roe of Mount Kisco, N.Y., was relatively restrained this year, with her fax of 135 names far outdone by the 422 sent via a diarrheic torrent of e-mailings by Russell Beland of Springfield.

Some of this year's horse names invited jokes so obvious that we don't have to bother printing them. Wicked Will! Our Lil Affair! Procreate! Squirtle Squirt! You think we got a few Monica, Jesse and Viagra jokes out of those? But we also got a lot of entries we thought were marvelously original -- a horse named Dubai Dubai Do; an enema joke on This Fleet Is Due -- until a dozen identical ones followed. So if your favorite entry isn't listed below, it was probably just so good that the rest of the world agreed with you. Or maybe it just stank.

But because so many entries didn't stink, we're going to -- just this once -- share 159 more of the best with you on the Style Invitational Web page at

{diam}Sixth runner-up: Mozart x Freud = Pianist Envy (Larry Marcus, Avon, Conn.)

{diam}Fifth runner-up: Impressionist x Rude Cat = Clawed Monet (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.)

{diam}Fourth runner-up: My Two Sons x Al Barrak = Boyz N Ehud (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley)

{diam}Third runner-up: King Charlemagne x Baseball Champion = Holy Roman Umpire (Russell Beland, Springfield; Harold Mantle, Darnestown)

{diam}Second runner-up:Mark of Royalty x Butterfly Boy = PrinceCharles'Ears (Sarah Welbourne, Alexandria)

{diam}First runner-up:Burning Roma x Saints and Angels = Torched ByAn Angel (David McEwan, Ellicott City)

{diam}And the winner of the garish Kentucky Derby tie: IsleEMailYou x Ideal Cut = You've Got Mohel (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

A Life in Music x Phone Ruler = Yo-Yo Ma Bell (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Matta x Rocky Falls = Watsamatta U (Randall Kunkel, Dale City)

Victory Roar x Denied = Professor Gore (Catherine Messina, Alexandria)

Pure Prize x Military Tune = Taps Blue Ribbon (Jason C. Vogel, Syracuse, N.Y.)

King Snake x Perigee Moon = The Full Monty (Katie Mulligan, Annapolis)

Unreal Party x Lethal Agenda = MyDinnerW/Hannibal (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Keats x Assmar = Truth Is Booty (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Beckett x Procreate = Mating for Godot (Rod Ewing, York, England)

Beckett x Quick Rib = Waiting for To-Go (Ervin Stembol, Alexandria)

Beckett x So Urgent = Godot Can't Wait (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Texas Scramble x The Goo = OmeletFromDenny's (Elizabeth Sharp, Spotsylvania, Va.)

Solitary Vision x Greek Star = Cyclops (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Impressionist x Horrible Evening = Sorry Sorry Night (Laura Bennett Peterson, Washington)

Impressionist x Invisible Ink = Where'd He Gogh (Judith Cottrill, New York)

DanTheDealmaker x Free Thoughts = $20 Per Thought (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Lois's Legacy x Delightful Moment = Clark Kent Jr. (Matt Christianson, Washington)

Comic Genius x West Order = Go West Youngman (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Date More Minors x Glen's Gambler = 15'll Get You 20 (Randall Kunkel, Dale City)

Dim Sums x Dynamite Cat = Tonight's Entree (E. Owens, Washington)

Crafty C.T. x It's So Simple = Just Copy Scalia (Mike Geary, Arlington)

Elmo's Song x Distilled = Pickle Me Elmo (Rod Ewing, York, England)

Irish Lure x Great Bloom = Yes I Will Yes (Eve Tushnet, New Haven, Conn.)

Jamaican Rum x Dr Greenfield =

Bacardiologist (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Quite Careless x Palmiero = E3

(Chris Kaufman, Glenn Dale)

Shake the Dice x Denied = Sorry but No Dice (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Freud x Going Boldly = Cigar Trek (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Private Son x Wheat Penny = Lower GI Ceres (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Mercenary x Celtic Silence = This Gun for

Eire (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Mozart x Credit Crunch = Mortgage of

Figaro (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Mozart x Saint Damien = SymphonyFor

TheDevil (Heather Dugan, New Castle, Pa.)

Tony's Loc x Project Hope = Tony's

Comb-Over (Frank Hobbs, Springfield)

Quwaqeb x Szep = Hell if I Know (Sid Perkins, Alexandria)

Tru Bull x Norway = Fjord Taurus (Martin

Bredeck, Hybla Valley; Tom Nessinger, Silver Spring)

AffairInTheForest x My Two Sons = Next Time on Jerry (Matt Christianson, Washington)

Al Khaaser x Selsaal = Al Khaselser (Leo Scanlon, Montgomery Village)

Assmar x Saved by the Sword = Edward II (Ervin Stembol, Alexandria)

Unreal Party x Race on Green =

Ralph's Nadir (Brooke Rector, Greenbelt)

Verdi x Drive = Anagram (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Wicked Will x You Know Who = Lord

Voldemort (Samantha Tempchin, Rockville)

You Know Who x Palmeiro = Who's on First (Mike Hammer, Arlington)

{diam}The Uncle's Pick:Our Little Affair x

Unprecedented = Impeachment (Joseph Romm, Washington)

The Uncle Explains: A clever play on words. It was indeed unprecedented that because of Bill Clinton's affair, the nation was almost . . .


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