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Week 378 (XLV) : Bill Us Now


Wise.

Full Text (1076   words)
Copyright The Washington Post Company Dec 3, 2000

The Cook-Franks-Brown bill requiring healthful preparation of processed meats.

The Hart-Issa-Flake bill prohibiting anyone from running for president who has been caught in a flagrant affair with a young ditz.

The Harman-Johnson bill to prevent self-abuse.

This week's contest: Elsewhere on this page are two lists. The first is a list of all newly elected U.S. senators and representatives. The second is a list of senators and representatives who have lost their jobs this year through election losses, retirement or, um, death. Your challenge is to come up with a bill sponsored by any of these people in combination (you may combine names from both lists), and explain the purpose of the bill, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a genuine vintage 1966 porcelain oil lamp featuring the faces of all the presidents from (for some reason) Zack Taylor through LBJ. This is worth $30.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XLV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 11. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes.

REPORT FROM WEEK XLI, in which we asked you to update common expressions for the new millennium. But first, a special note: Pointing out that we held an identical contest four years ago, several people wrote in to accuse us of senility. This is unfair. We are every bit as alert and aware as we ever were. Which reminds us, several people noted that we held an identical contest four years ago, and accused us of senility. Well, we're fine. Thank you. And now, the Report from Week XLI, in which we asked you to take common expressions, and update them for the new millennium.

* Second Runner-Up:

Old expression: Cutting off your nose to spite your face.

New expression: Votin' for Nader. (Joseph Romm, Washington; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

* First Runner-Up:

Old expression: Ditto.

New expression: Big time. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

* And the winner of the "Boston Public" sweat shirt:

Old expression: What goes around comes around.

New expression: RE:Fw:FW:Fw:Fwd:FW:Fwd:FWD:Fw (Twyla Vernon, Verona)

* Honorable Mentions:

Old expression: What part of "no" don't you understand?

New expression: What part of "is" don't you understand? Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Old expression: To kick the bucket.

New expression: To open Kaczynski's Christmas present. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Old expression: Just a wolf in sheep's clothing.

New expression: Just a virus with a smiley attachment. (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley)

Old expression: Cutting off your nose to spite your face.

New expression: Pulling a Michael Jackson. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Old expression: It's no use crying over spilt milk.

New expression: It's no use crying over dimpl't chads. (Meg Sullivan,

Potomac)

Old expression: The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

New expression: The way to a man's heart is through an artery in his groin. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia)

Old expression: The walls have ears.

New expression: The bosoms have

microphones. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Old expression: Where there's smoke, there's fire.

New expression: Gloves don't get themselves bloody. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Old expression: Getting caught red-handed.

New expression: Anointing a blue dress. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Old expression: One man's trash is another man's treasure.

New expression: A free AOL disc makes a great bagel slicer.

(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Old expression: Good as one's word.

New expression: Good as a notarized enforceable contractual obligation with stipulated penalties.

(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Old expression: Counting your chickens before they're hatched.

New expression: Don't count those chickens!

(George W. Bush, Austin, Tex.; Chris Shreves, Oak Hill)

Old expression: Biting off more than one can chew.

New expression: Gunning for the Heimlich. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

Old expression: If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

New expression: If you can't stand the porn, get out of the Net. (Jason K. Schechner, Leesburg)

Old expression: Picking the low-hanging fruit.

New expression: Sleeping with Monica. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Old expression: A chip off the old block.

New expression: Knitted with Dolly's fleece. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Old expression: Your mother wears army boots.

New expression: Your mother's partner wears army boots.

(Michael Levy, Silver Spring)

Old expression:

[Table]
New expression: :)
(Michael Levy, Silver Spring)

Old expression: Looking for a needle in a haystack.

New expression: Looking for a white Ford Taurus in the Potomac Mills lot. (Twyla Vernon, Verona)

Old expression: My life is an open book.

New expression: My life is an unencrypted ASCII file. (Russ Beland, Springfield)

Old expression: As pure as the driven snow.

New expression: As pure as the driven snow since 1976 or so. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Old expression: Up yours.

New expression: Acquaint yourself with the alien probe. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Old expression: Beating a dead horse.

New expression: The Uncle Explains. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

* The Uncle's Pick:

Old expression: Window shopping.

New expression: Windows shopping.

(James Pierce, Charlottesville)

The Uncle Explains: The writer is noting that holiday shopping has become a grueling affair in which one must look through many store windows, not just one.

Next Week: Show Us Up

* Akin, Allen, Brown, Cantor, Cantwell, Capito, Carnahan, Carper, Carson, Clay, Clinton, Corzine, Crenshaw, Culberson, Davis, Davis, Dayton, Ensign, Ferguson, Flake, Graves, Grucci, Harman, Hart, Honda, Israel, Issa, Johnson, Keller, Kennedy, Kerns, Kirk, Langevin, Larsen, Matheson, McCollum, Nelson, Nelson, Osborne, Otter, Pence, Platts, Putnam, Rehberg, Rogers, Ross, Schiff, Simmons, Solis, Stabenow, Schrock Tiberi.

Abraham, Archer, Ashcroft, Barrett, Bateman, Bliley, Brown, Bryan, Campbell, Canady, Chenoweth-Hage, Clay, Coburn, Cook, Danner, Ewing, Forbes, Fowler, Franks, Gejdenson, Goodling, Grams, Hill, Kasich, Kerrey, Klink, Lautenberg, Lazio, Mack, Martinez, McCollum, McIntosh, Metcalf, Minge, Moynihan, Packard, Pease, Pickett, Porter, Rogan, Romero-Barcelo, Salmon, Sanford, Stabenow, Talent, Vento, Weygand, Wise.

[Illustration]
ILLUSTRATION; Credit: BOB STAAKE FOR TWP


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