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Week 375 (XLII) : Show Us Up


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Copyright The Washington Post Company Nov 12, 2000

Rugrat ER

Intrigue and excitement as Legos, coins and Barbie appendages are extracted from the throats of screaming, out-of-control, panicky toddlers.

The General Hospital Hillbillies

Jed, Granny, Jethro and Ellie Mae strike it rich when they discover how to cheat the Medicare system.

This week's contest was proposed by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park. You have to pretend to be a high-powered TV executive who must come up with an idea for a new show. Since you are incapable of thinking of anything original, all you can do is to combine the names of two existing TV shows (past or present) to make an entirely new show. Then, describe the show. First-prize winner gets a hardcover copy of the Constitution of the Republic of Cuba and three 1972 Chilean handbooks decrying capitalist exploitation of the masses. Together they are worth $25.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XLII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 20. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes.

REPORT FROM WEEK XXXVIII, in which we asked you to write questions for any of 12 "Jeopardy!"-style answers we supplied. This is the contest where--to test our objectivity--we prohibited frequent winners from entering under their own names, or in any way indicating their entries were pseudonymous. Several regulars seemed to think we were kidding. We weren't. The guy who entered as Rufus T. Firefly? Tossed, without reading. Dr. Lance Boyles? Wadded up and flushed. Some regulars simply couldn't figure out how to get around the fact that their e-mail addresses gave them away, and begged for absolution. Sorry. And then there was the entry arriving by snail mail from a "Vincent Von Elmo" of Kokomo, Ind., bearing a Rockville postmark, in a handwriting identical to that of a regular contributor who also mails in his entries, and also writes in blue Bic pen, and also staples his pages together. Tossed. We got 1,300 entries, total. We have no idea how many of the ones published below came from the 30 or so names you see all the time. We will credit any in an upcoming week, after authorship claims have been staked and verified.

* Fourth Runner-Up: Answer: O.J. Salinger. Question: Who wrote "Catch Her in the Lie"? (Joan D'Urso, Medford, N.Y.)

* Third Runner-Up: Answer: The Helium Bomb. Question: What was developed by J. Robert Wisenheimer? (Aaron Hofmann, Washington)

* Second Runner-Up: Answer: RU-411. Question: What new drug can you take the morning after just to remind you of the guy's name and phone number? (Susan Iato, Washington; Andy Buonviri, Lovettsville)

* First Runner-Up: Answer: Thwock! Fweeeeeeeeeeee. Question: What is the sound of one hand clapping, followed by someone yelling "Thwock! Fweeeeeeeeeeee"? (Elizabeth Mack, Washington)

* And the winner of the John Tesh CDs:

Answer: Patriotism and Underpants but not Vladimir Putin. Question: What might it be useful to have if you are involved in a potentially fatal submarine mishap? (Fred Hayes, Boonsboro)

* Honorable Mentions:

Because It Discriminates Against the Deaf

Why has super-liberal Ralph Nader refused to propose a "sound fiscal policy"? (John Garcia, Annandale)

What is an unlikely reason that someone would sue Gallaudet University? (Sean W. Finnegan, Springfield)

What would be a shrewd excuse to give for not pledging your support to National Public Radio? (Maja Keech, New Carrollton)

O.J. Salinger

Who is devoting the rest of his life to finding the real killer of passengers aboard TWA Flight 800?

(Laurie Ducharme, Gaithersburg; John Garcia, Annandale)

What should I have named my back-stabbing daughter?

(J.D. Salinger, Cornish, N.H.; Tonda Sherk, Earlysville)

Name a hack writer. (Melanie

Stephens, Manassas)

Stop! In the Name of Rep. Constance A. Morella, R-Md.

What campaign song was slightly less of a mistake than Sen. Robb's "Chuck, Chuck, Bo-buck . . . "?

(Annika Tallis, McLean)

Thwock! Fweeeeeeeeee

How does a toothless ump signal that a batter has struck out? (Susan Iato, Washington)

What does rough sex with a blow-up doll sound like? (B.T. Wells, Fairfax)

How does Barbara Walters pitch the slogan for Wrigley's new throckless gum? (Annika Tallis, McLean)

What is the sound of Mark McGwire joining Major League Wiffleball? (Noam Izenberg, Columbia)

Who is the president of China? (George W. Bush, Austin, Tex.;

Stephanie Cangin, Roanoke)

What does it sound like when you run over a porcupine? (Mary

Boggiano, Alexandria)

RU-411

What adorable droid has the voice of James Earl Jones? (Alan Gerson, McLean)

What pill should you take after phone sex? (Mark Schultz, Vienna)

What pill for men makes them willing to ask for directions when they get lost? (Elizabeth Mack, Washington)

Very Soft Money

What did the moron gangster get when he tried to launder money using Downy Extra? (Joan D'Urso, Medford, N.Y.; Alan Gerson, McLean)

What is another word for legal tender? (Mark Schultz, Vienna)

The Helium Bomb

What invention was based on the Hindenburg Uncertainty Principle? (Annika Tallis, McLean)

One week after its release, what would critics call the documentary "Flyover--The Story of the Goodyear Blimp"? (Spencer

Thornton, Falls Church)

What is it called when you jokingly ask a scientist, "Who was that bag of inert gas I saw you with last night?" and it turns out to have been his wife? (Spencer Thornton, Falls Church)

Eero Saarinen, Yuri Gagarin and the Euro

What are three things that are dead as a doornail? (Nick Dierman, Berkeley)

* The Uncle's Pick:

Eero Saarinen, Yuri Gagarin and the Euro

Who or what are a renowned Finnish architect, the Russian astronaut who was first to orbit the Earth, and the new European currency? This may not be funny, but I hope it has some value. (Meghan Meredith-Sands, Radford)

The Uncle Explains: Not all entries need to be funny, if they are educational.

Next Week: Trial Balloons

[Illustration]
ILLUSTRATION; Credit: BOB STAAKE FOR TWP


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