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Week 369 (XXXVI) : Punch Us


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Copyright The Washington Post Company Oct 1, 2000

On a visit to the National Zoo, a woman and her child are shocked to see a cage filled with Ozark Mountain hillbillies playing banjos and drinking corn squeezins. The mother . . .

A man walks into Trent Lott's office and orders a double martini . . .

Daniel Snyder is seated in the waiting room of the Motor Vehicle

Administration when . . .

A worker at the D.C. morgue opens a drawer, and instead of a body he is surprised to see . . .

A man gets into a D.C. cab and says he wants to go to Prague, Czechoslovakia. The cabbie says . . .

A Democrat, a Republican, and a member of the Reform Party are playing golf at Avenel when the Democrat spontaneously combusts and . . .

Two female Olympic gymnasts in leotards have tied Dennis Hastert to a chair and are smearing marmalade in his hair when . . .

Two diners at the Inn at Little Washington are shocked to discover on the restaurant's menu a dish of "hickory-smoked possum jowls in pancake syrup." They summon the waiter and . . .

This Week's Contest: Complete any of these jokes.

First-prize winner gets a vintage 1964 Goldwater bumper sticker ("In Your Heart You Know He's Right"). This is worth $20.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the soon-to-be-mailed-out "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e- mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXXVI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 9. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes.

REPORT FROM WEEK XXXII, in which we asked you to submit a riddle and its word-for-word rhyming answer. To the many Steal Invitationalists who proudly submitted "Knickerbocker Liquor Locker" as your own, we congratulate you on your uncanny ability to live with yourselves.

* Fifth Runner-Up: What do the makers of Viagra guarantee? Never- fail-ya genitalia. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

* Fourth Runner-Up: How would Santa Claus introduce his paid female companion to a famous Hawaiian singer? Ho, ho; ho, Ho. Ho ho ho ho.

(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

* Third Runner-Up: Who came out of the closet and fell down the stairs? Tinky Winky Slinky. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

* Second Runner-Up: Who is Sammy "The Claw" Langostino? Mobster Lobster. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

* First Runner-Up: What is another name for Mad Sea Cow Disease? Manatee Insanity. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

* And the winner of the Bill Clinton stand-up: I was in a coma-- how did "Survivor" turn out, anyway? Shrewd rude nude dude out-IQ'd multitude. (David Genser, Arlington)

* Honorable Mentions:

What medication can last twice as long? Cyclops eyedrops. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

What did Hitler become on April 30, 1945? Aryan carrion. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

What would you call the super-powerful breath spray dispenser

invented by the Carolina Panthers' star running back? Biakabutuka

Binaca Bazooka. (Robert Lafsky, Great Falls)

In what exotic dance do you shed one article of clothing at a time until you are wearing nothing but a wire? Tripp Strip. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

What can one say about Deion

Sanders's $50 million deal with the Redskins? Prime-time crime. (Michelle Uhler, Fort Washington)

What was the first thing handicappers did in this year's presidential campaign? Scratch Hatch. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

What cavalry division defends the vast onion fields of Tuscany? Italian Scallion Stallion Battalion.

(Noam Izenberg, Columbia)

What is rarer than a McLean

Mohawk? A Dupont Bouffant. (David Genser, Arlington)

What do you call the lie you tell when you claim an appendectomy scar was a shark bite? Surgery perjury. (Mary K. Phillips, Falls Church)

What do you call a politician's stump speech, tried out first in a small town? Exploratory oratory. (Mary K. Phillips, Falls Church)

What are you unlikely to see in a Firestone shop these days? Tire buyer. (Russ Beland, Springfield)

"I sat next to the duchess at tea. It was just as I feared it would be. Her emissions abdominal were simply phenomenal. And everyone thought it was me." How might one describe the writer of this poem? A martyr farter. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

What is the Web address for the Coroners' Guild? Morgue.org. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

What is another name for a blow-up doll? Dateable inflatable. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

What conclusion was reached by the other 11 Apostles? Judas screwed us. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

What is the antidote for Viagra?

Tumescence suppressants. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

What is in the strip poker kitty? Panty ante. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Who was ultimately (George W. Bush) the person responsible (George W. Bush) for the ad that featured (George W. Bush) the word "rats" hidden in the text? Subliminal criminal. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

What is a pimp? Hooker booker. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

What did the president of Indiana University say to the basketball coach? Night-night, Knight.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

* The Uncle's Pick:

What is the White House? President's residence. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

The Uncle Explains: A simple, straightforward pun that is non- judgmental, makes no prurient allusions and takes no political position that someone might find offensive.

Next Week: Just Fulghum

[Illustration]
ILLUSTRATION; Credit: BOB STAAKE FOR TWP


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