Week 366 (XXXIII) : Just Fulghum

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Copyright The Washington Post Company Sep 10, 2000

All I Really Need to Know I Learned:

At the Dentist: With the proper chemicals, one can find beauty in anything, even Mantovani . . .

At the Dentist

On the Metro

From "Survivor"

On the Beltway

In The Style Invitational

From the World Wrestling


At the Wal-Mart in


From United Airlines

Lying in the Gutter With a

Bottle of Ripple


This Week's Contest was suggested by Candace J. Trenum of Washington, who suggests that you emulate Robert Fulghum, the cheese- ball philosopher who struck it rich with "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten," a set of primitive rules for the conduct of life. (1. "Clean up your own mess. 2. Play fair. 3. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody . . .") Your job: Come up with a list of at least three Major Life Lessons one can learn from any of the venues listed at left. First-prize winner gets a copy of Rush Limbaugh's "The Way Things Ought to Be" in Polish, autographed by the author and donated to The Style Invitational by Dave Zarrow of Herndon ("America's Funniest Office Products Dealer"). Dave bought it in Poland. He tells us that the title, "Wlasciwy Porzadek Rzeczy," translates to "The Proper Sequence of Stuff." It is priceless.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be designed but soon-to-be- coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXXIII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 18. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E- mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes.

REPORT FROM WEEK XXVIII, in which we asked you to tell us what was missing from any of six cartoons we supplied.

Before we get to the winners, a serious note: People who write for a living--even those, like the Czar, who are at the pinnacle of illustrious careers and bask in public adulation--sometimes have moments of self-doubt. In the dank recesses of the soul, we wonder: Are we Making a Difference? When we are gone, will we have left a mark, dried a tear, coaxed a laugh, changed a mind? Will we leave a legacy? Well, your Czar got some solace in the mail the other day in the form of an entry from 6-year-old Sam Rosenberg of Oakton. Little Sam looks at The Style Invitational on Sundays. He doesn't understand all of it, of course, but he sounds out the words he can, and his favorite contests are the ones with cartoons. Darned if the little dickens didn't decide to enter Week XXIX all by himself! He wrote his entry in big blocky capital letters on that fuzzy-soft kindergarten paper with blue lines an inch apart. Missing from Cartoon E, Sam wrote, is "MOMMYS BIG FAT BUTT." And missing from Cartoon F, he wrote, is "ME!" For his enterprise alone, young Sam wins a special prize: a remote-controlled fart machine.

Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) What's missing is PETA's new celebrity spokesman Bart Simpson, saying, "Don't halve a cow, man." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; Joseph Romm, Washington; Bret Harris, South Riding)

Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) What's missing is the Railroad Crossing sign. (Eric Shaffer, Silver Spring)

First Runner-Up: (Cartoon A) Dubya's no fool. He not only had everything handed him on a silver platter, he took the platter, too. (Jessica Lynn Mathews, Arlington)

And the Winner of the kid-size NRA underpants:

(Cartoon E) MOMMYS BIG FAT BUTT (Sam Rosenberg, Oakton)

Honorable Mentions:

Cartoon A

What's missing is the open manhole right under this bozo's foot. (Beth Baniszewski, Columbia; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

What's missing is the appreciative crowd oohing and ahhing the latest creation of the Emperor's New Chef. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Cartoon B

Nothing is missing. If you want the milk, why buy the whole cow? (Carol Levin, Chevy Chase; Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)

What's missing are the Scottish scientists who refused to be photographed with the grisly results of their attempt to breed a cow that gives half-and-half. (Robin D. Grove, Laurel)

What's missing is approximately 40 pounds of delicious milk chocolate. Fred had to sue eBay when the "life-size solid-milk- chocolate cow" he bought online turned out to be hollow. (Mike Genz, La Plata)

What's missing is most of the challenge of cow-tipping. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Nothing is missing. This is a halfer. (John Held, Fairfax; Ned Bent, Herndon)

Cartoon C

What's missing is the little bastard with the Wite-Out. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

What's missing is a wedding band. How could a woman like that still be single? (Joseph Romm, Washington; Bob Dalton, Arlington)

Cartoon D

This is the letter "I" so there is nothing missing from Henry Miller's typewriter. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Nothing is missing. This is the little-known "missing link" in the evolutionary chain from the telegraph key to the typewriter. ( Jerry Amos, Stanley, Va.)

Cartoon E

What's missing is the husband who couldn't take any more complaining and ripped off the seat, saying, "Here, if it matters so much to you, keep it." (Joseph Romm, Washington; Ray Brungard, Mechanicsville)

What's missing is F! If she doesn't jiggle the handle it will run forever. (J. W. Green, Carlisle, Pa.)

The toilet seat with the Super Glue on it. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Cartoon F

The Invisible Man isn't missing, you just can't see him. What's missing is the doctor's rubber glove. (Paul Styrene, Olney; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

This is missing a husband pretending to look remorseful. (Russell Beland, Annanfield)

Well, sure the picture would be better if she were naked, but that's not really something missing. (Russell Beland, Springdale)

And the Uncle's Pick: (Cartoon F) I just don't get the "point" of this one. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

The Uncle Explains: Methinks this entrant doth protest too much. Methinks she has actually made her "point" quite nimbly; namely, that the woman in the cartoon is "pointing."

Next Week: It's Your Movie


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