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Week 362 (XXIX) : Something Missing


3.

Full Text (959   words)
Copyright The Washington Post Company Aug 13, 2000

This Week's Contest: In each of these cartoons, something is missing. Tell us what it is, and explain when necessary. Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets a pair of grade-schooler-size boxer shorts featuring the logo of the National Rifle Association. This is worth $20.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be- coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXIX, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 21. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes.

REPORT FROM WEEK XXV. Noting that Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" ended with the year 1989, we invited you to bring the song up to date. One of our favorite entries, which broke the rules but was superior nonetheless, came from Jennifer Hart of Arlington. Her lyrics, she said, apply only to Arkansas:

Indoor privies in our homes / Talking pitchers, "telly phones." / Some roads covered in cee-ment / Ringworm down by 10 percent!

We decided to cut and paste the winning entries into an entire song. Winner of the Elvis stamp watch is Chris Doyle of Burke. First Runner-Up is Ellen Ryan of Rockville. Second Runner-Up is David Genser of Arlington. All lines are attributed below.

1 Ms. Lewinsky, Dan Quayle / Ted Kaczynski, "You've got mail."

[Table]
2 Don't ask. Don't tell / Pol Pot goes to Hell.
3 Stormin' Norman, Global warmin' / George and George and George
Foreman.
4 Bill Bennett! Dr. Laura! U.S. slouching toward Gomorrah!

We didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning.

We didn't start the fire, no, we didn't light it but we tried to fight it.

[Table]
5 HMO, S&P / IPO, DVD.
6 CEO, T&A / 401(k), DNA.
7 Cyber-this, cyber-that / Baby boomers getting fat.
8 Greenspanned! Renoed! / Double mocha frappucinoed!
9 D of C, what a mess / Peoples Drug now CVS.
10 Hechinger, Lion d'Or / Woodies, Hot Shoppes--all no more.

11 "Millie's Book" penned by a pup / Bitch set Mayor Barry up.

12 Ruthann Aron, Sharon Pratt / Barry back in office (drat!).

We didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning.

We didn't start the fire, no, we didn't light it but we tried to fight it.

13 Windsor high jinks not so regal / Fin-de-siecle sequel treacle,

14 Little Vader, Jar Jar Binks / "Star Wars" movie really stinks!

15 Dumb veep, Olestra seep / Millions spent to make a sheep.

16 Lady Di! John-John! / Jackie O! Gone-gone!

17 M. Vanilli, Bush's quips / We all learned to read their lips.

18 Elian, SUVs / Rich guys skiing into trees.

19 Fear the threat of Y2K / Fear that Tinky-Winky's gay.

20 AIDS plague. I don't care / I Want to Be a Millionaire!

We didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning.

We didn't start the fire, no, we didn't light it but we tried to fight it.

21 O.J. Simpson's murder case / Brentwood bodies, Bronco chase.

22 Johnnie Cochran, Marcia Clark / Chipping golf balls in the dark.

23 Kato Kaelin, F. Lee Bailey / Bloody glove and updates daily.

24 Pix of Bruno Magli shoes / WHAT ELSE HAPPENED IN THE NEWS?

We didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning.

We didn't start the fire, no, we didn't light it but we tried to fight it.

25 Pubic hair upon her Coke / Can't Anita take a joke?

26 Democrats are on her side / But Paula Jones? She must have lied.

27 Man from Hope! What a dope! / Congress runs to find a rope!

28 Introducing Kenneth Starr / Ken gets close but no cigar.

29 Waco burns, Tim McVeigh / Murrah building blown away.

30 Columbine, Lockerbie / Hutu-Tutsi killing spree.

31 Dahmer preyed on neighbor boys / No one seemed to mind the noise.

32 Rodney King, Falun Gong / WHY CAN'T WE JUST GET ALONG?

Chris Doyle, Burke: Lines 1, 4, 21, 22, 23, 24, 29, 30, 32; Ellen Ryan, Rockville: Lines 9, 10, 12, 14, 28; David Genser, Arlington: Lines 5, 6, 7; Katharine M. Butterfield, Potomac: Line 16; Elizabeth and Evan FitzGerald, Alexandria: Line 19; Phil Frankenfeld, Washington: Lines 8 and 13; Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax: Lines 25 and 26; Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park: Lines 15 and 18; Russell Beland, Annandale: Line 2; Thom Lieb, Severna Park: Line 31; Jennifer Hart, Arlington: Line 27; Tom Lorenzen, Glen Echo and Bob Ritter, Leesburg: Line 20.; Sandra Hull, Arlington: Line 11; Jerry Pannullo, Kensington: Line 17; Bill Forehand, Rockville: Line 3.

* The Uncle's Pick:

Be-bop sounds, chastity / Personal responsibility.

Push-up bras, wars we win / It's the 1940s again!

(David Genser, Arlington)

The Uncle Explains: A nice reminder that there was a time

before songwriters went out of their way to be faultfinding and depressing or gloried in carnality.

Next Week: It's No Party

[Illustration]
ILLUSTRATION; Credit: BOB STAAKE FOR TWP


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