Week 360 (XXVII) : No Competition

you not.

Full Text (934   words)
Copyright The Washington Post Company Jul 30, 2000

Mary Ann Madden / MAD Magazine / Alfred E. Neuman / Alfred E. Smith / Smith & Wesson / Olive Oyl / Bluto / Pluto / Uranus / Earl Butts / Joey Buttafuoco / Joey Heatherton / Heather Locklear / Norman Lear / Shakespeare / Avon / Maybelline / Chuck Berry / Halle Berry / Halley's comet / Blitzen / St. Nicholas / Czar

Nicholas II / The Czar of The Style Invitational / Mary Ann Madden

This Week's Contest was occasioned by the sad news from New York that Mary Ann Madden has retired. You may not know the name, but you know her work. Thirty-one years ago, Mary Ann created the New York Magazine Competition, the innovative and eccentric weekly contest that the Style Invitational would shamelessly pirate a quarter century later. The NYMC dies this month, with Mary Ann's retirement. As a youth, the Czar assiduously read the New York Magazine Competition, and even entered once. It was a contest, often repeated, in which the reader was to create a list of 25 names, each linked in some way to the name before, ending with the first name on the list. The young Czar's entry included the link "U.S. Grant/Ford Foundation," which he considered very clever and which in fact appeared in print, but attributed to someone else. On that day, at the age of 19, choking on bile, the Czar vowed that someday he would seize control of the feature pages of a major American newspaper and start a contest of his own in which he was free to misattribute entries, too. In the seven years that The Style Invitational has been alive, we've never run this particular contest, because it was so indelibly associated with the New York Magazine Competition. This week, we do. Twenty-five names, each associated with the name before it. A name can be a person, a place or an organization--but it must be a name. And you must begin and end with Mary Ann Madden. First- prize winner gets a CD featuring the music of Jack Kevorkian (on flute and organ) and his band, the Morpheus Quintet. We kid you not.

Part of a limited edition of 5,000, it is worth $50.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be- coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXVII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 7. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes.

Report FROM WEEK XXIII, in which we asked you to come up with a new medication and its use.

* Third Runner-Up: Exceedrin--A cure for hangovers. (James Pierce, Charlottesville)

* Second Runner-Up: Barium Enigma--An unpleasant procedure that usually provides an ambiguous, but curiously interesting, diagnosis. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

* First Runner-Up: Forgivemycin--A morning-after contraceptive. (Mike Serlin, Alexandria)

* And the winner of the gigantic bra and panties:

Herbal Hoover--A tranquilizer that's been taken off the market because it was found to cause depression. (Chester Myslicki, McLean)

* Honorable Mentions:

Noraephron--A sleep inducer. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Nadvil--Relieves post-vasectomy pain. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Prozaic--A cure for the dullness of everyday life. (Richard B. Pearlstein, Falls Church; Twyla Vernon, Washington)

K.O. Pectate--A cure for diarrhea that plugs you good. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Testosteroni--A hormonal supplement eaten as pasta.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Milk of Amnesia--An infant formula to help forget birth trauma.

(Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

Gingko Balboa--A seasickness cure, particularly effective for long ocean voyages. (Roz Jonas, Bethesda)

Kinko Biloba--Cures fetishism.

(Joseph Romm, Washington)

Sexcedrin--What to give someone who says "not tonight, dear, I have a headache." (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Oinkment--A topically applied weight-reduction cream. (Dean Crews, Chevy Chase)

Darva-on--Induces vomiting.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Pep El Cid--For use by morticians; restores realistic look to corpses.

(Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

Aesthetominophen--You don't feel any better, but you look fabulous.

(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Non-interferon--A black-market drug often slipped to unsuspecting in-laws. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Conan the Barbiturate--A combination sleep aid/steroid.

(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Oil of Oy Vey--It couldn't hurt.

(Stu Solomon, Springfield)

Ibuprofane--Relieves symptoms of Tourette's syndrome. (Art Simpsen, Alexandria)

Preparation X--A treatment for anxiety caused by those irritatingly successful 18- to 35-year-olds.

(Janet Arrowsmith-Lowe, Ruidoso, N.M.)

Katopectate--A treatment for lethargy. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Tussaud--Combats ear wax.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Ropadopamine--Retards brain damage from blows to the head.

(Steven Feder, Arlington; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Preparation Ouch--Dry ice suppositories for hemorrhoids.

(Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Sigfreudoscope--A device for detecting repressed fantasies.

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

No D'ohs--Memory enhancer.

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Mentalmucil--Relieves writer's block. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Prestidigitalis--A cure-all. Works like magic! (Sandra Segal, Rockville)

Pepsid--A cure for addiction to Coke. (Rick Howard, Germantown)

Histalavista--Say bye-bye to those allergies. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

* The Uncle's Pick:

The Uncle makes no pick today.

The Uncle Explains: There is nothing funny about disease.

Next Week: Coming to a Bad End


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