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Week 330: Nerd Planet From the Sun

Sunday, July 11, 1999


Since everyone knows one kilobyte equals 1,024 computer bytes, the Y2K problem suggests something wrong in the year 2048. It should really be the "Y1.9531K problem," approximately.

Technically, "white" people should be called "pink" people, and "black" people should be called "brown" people. And Asian people should be called "pinkish-xanthomelanous" people.

A computer "virus" is a misnomer inasmuch as it contains no replicable nucleic acid. I prefer to call it a "corrupted element of binary code."

You know, the human heart isn't really heart-shaped. What you got on that greeting card is a cross-section of a carotid artery.

This week's contest was suggested by Russell Beland of Springfield, who wins a rare, Uncorrected Proof edition of the new book, "Cool Companies-How The Best Businesses Boost Profits and Productivity by Cutting Greeenhouse Gas Emissions," by Joseph J, Romm. Russell asks: "How many times have you been told that the 21st century doesn't really start until 2001? The idea here is come up with comments from the Nerd Side even less interesting than that." First-prize winner gets a fabulous collection of memorabilia from the 1992 and 1996 Republican national conventions, including three George Bush pens, one Dole-Gingrich button ("The Extreme Team") and two elaborate key chains, made from dice, proclaiming the inevitability of a Gramm presidency. This all is worth $50.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 330, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 19. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Warning No One Gives Much Thought To was written by Annie Entwegger of Bethesda. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. The end of the world approaches; frankly, it could be worse.

Report from Week 327, in which we asked you to write "Jeopardy!" questions for any of 12 answers we supplied.

Sixth Runner-Up:

Answer: The Heimlich Manure

Question: What is the name of Henry Heimlich's second most important contribution to emergency medicine, a procedure to alleviate acute constipation? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Fifth Runner-Up:

Answer: A Squeegee and a Codpiece but Not Madeleine Albright

Question: What are two things that are reasonably flexible? (Keith W. Johnson, Berlin, Md.)

Fourth Runner-Up:

Answer: The So-So Gatsby

Question: Who spent long hours at the water's edge, gazing wistfully at the beacon of a small green light that shone from the window of a nearby Bennigan's? (Martin Bredick, Alexandria)

Third Runner-Up:

Answer: Slobodan Fitzgerald Kennedy

Question: What name does Milosevich use when attempting to pick up chicks in Cape Cod? (Peter J. Hughes, Alexandria)

Second Runner-Up:

Answer: Hugging, Kissing and Kvetching

Question: What are the three bases James Brolin had to touch before scoring with Barbra? (Debbie Stewart, Germantown)

First Runner-Up:

Answer: Theophrastus Bombastus von Hohenheim

Question: What is probably not Puff Daddy's real name? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

And the winner of the Shea Stadium cookie tin:

Answer: The Heimlich Manure

Question: How may we characterize the excuse "No, honey. I wasn't embracing that woman. She was, um, choking, and I was . . ." (David Genser, Arlington)

Honorable Mentions:

Slobodan Fitzgerald Kennedy

Who founded the Peace Corpse?

(David Genser, Arlington)

Who wrote "Profiles in Scourge"?

(Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Who said, "Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do to your country"? (Howard Walderman, Columbia)

Whose family compound is in Tyrannisport? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Nine Apathetic, Sympathetic, Diabetic Old Men on Bicycles

From whom could the Orioles probably take two out of three? (David Genser, Arlington; Paul Styrene, Olney)

Who are the Chinese Supreme Court? (Allen and Mandy Farrington, La Crescenta, Calif.)

The Sphinx, the Great Pyramid and the Jiffy Lube in Rockville

What are three places that are near Alexandria? (Mitch Teich, Flagstaff, Ariz.)

Theophrastus Bombastus von Hohenheim

Who was denied employment by the Jiffy Lube of Rockville because his name wouldn't fit on the company overalls? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Who wrote "Chicken Soup for the Pompous Ass's Soul"? (David Genser, Arlington)

The Heimlich Manure

What is the best fertilizer to use for growing artichokes? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Larry of Arabia

What will be the title of an epic movie remake starring Adam Sandler? (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

For whom did the telemarketer ask when he called T.E. Lawrence? (Meg Sullivan, Potomac; Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax; Beth Baniszewski, Columbia)

What famous comic only played the Sands? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Hugging, Kissing and Kvetching

What was the original title of Monica Lewinsky's autobiography? (Bob Dalton,

Beaumont, Tex.)

What are some favorite things of the Telavivtubbies? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

A Squeegee and a Codpiece but Not Madeleine Albright

What things are less effective if they are the slightest bit abrasive? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

What might Dennis Rodman find in his bed after a wild night? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Three! Four! Five! Buttocks! Six!

What are the ending steps in the cancan? (George L. Murray, Vienna)

How can you tell, by listening to the doctor, when one of your sextuplets is born breech? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

How did Marilyn Vos Savant complete the sequential-logic puzzle: "1, 2, breasts . . ."? (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.)

What Freudian slip does Richard Simmons sometimes make when leading an all-male aerobics class? (Malcolm Visser, Burke)

What is the opposite of a head count? (Bob Sorensen, Herndon)

Rookie of the Week:

What goes through the mind of someone estimating Gheorge Muresan's height while standing behind him in line at the bank? (Paul Hoppenjans, North Bethesda)


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