The Style Invitational
Week 322: You Name It
Sunday, May 16, 1999
Huey, Dewey & Louie Armstrong – The great musician added pizazz to the trio, and he even sounded sort of the same.
Jimmy Dean & Deluca – Thirteen aisles of overpriced, froufrou munchies and one isle of real food.
Wynken, Blynken & Nodule – Three literary characters who go sweetly and gently to sleep but wake up with lymphomas.
Penn & Edward Teller – The show ends with a really, really big bang.
This Week's contest was proposed by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins some glow-in-the-dark space mucus. Elden suggests that you take a well known pair or group of names, extend one of them in some manner, and explain how the group dynamic changes.
First-prize winner gets a rare, vintage, 1956 hardcover edition of Chic Sale's "The Specialist," the official Bible of the Style Invitational. This was donated by Dick Chadwick of St. Mary's City, who wins the following: We hereby declare ourselves a charitable enterprise, and officially value Mr. Chadwick's donation at $4 million for tax purposes. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 322, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: email@example.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 24. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Announcement No One Needs was written by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.
Report from Week 319, in which we asked you to come up with original chiasmi, expressions that rely on the reversal of two words or phrases.
As always with contests calling for completely original thought along broad paths trod by others, this one brought out the thieves. Dozens of people submitted unoriginal entries as their own. These included such astonishing, baldfaced misappropriations as picking one's nose vs. picking one's friend's nose. Also: Soup in one's hair and hair in one's soup, fly in one's soup and soup in one's fly, getting AIDS from sex and sex from aides, driving on the parkway and parking on the driveway, roosters who cluck defiance and lawyers who do the reverse, and this hoary offering about mail order brides: The odds are good, but the goods are odd. The best of these was almost a winner, until we found it on the Internet: Women are like literary translations. The faithful are not beautiful, and the beautiful are not faithful. To these Steal Invitationalists, we have composed a completely original poem to inspire you in your continuing creative endeavors:
I would not be just a nothin' / My head all full of stuffin' /My heart all full of pain / With the thoughts you'd be thinkin' /You could be another Lincoln / If you only had a brain
Fourth Runner-Up: Being nice isn't easy, and being easy isn't nice. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Third Runner-Up: Monica's credo – It is better to be chased vigorously than to be vigorously chaste. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)
Second Runner-Up: I'd rather have bliss with two sisters than a cyst with two blisters. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
First Runner-Up: Not all men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave their homes, but all men kiss their homes goodbye when they leave their wives. (David Kleinbard, Washington)
And the winner of the plaster duck piggy-bank:
Bill Clinton, before: I don't know how I can make this any clearer...Bill Clinton, after: I don't know how I can clear this with my maker¼
(Craig McGowan, Liverpool, N.Y.)u Honorable Mentions:
It's better to pet a date than date a pet.(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Long-distance romance ends when your man says he misses the hugs, but you find out he hugs the misses. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)
Propecia vs. Rogaine? Listen, when your hair has split, don't split hairs. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
Remember your wedding anniversary: If you don't toast your future, your future is toast. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The country cousin greets the crack of dawn, while the city cousin greets the dawn with crack. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
A paleontologist is a scientist who studies old fossils, while an epistemologist is an old fossil who studies scientists. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)
If you're planning to take a drive on the Beltway, don't start by taking a belt in the driveway. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
I'd rather ride a miss than miss a ride. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
It is better to go to high school than to go to school high. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville)
It is better to nurse your wound than wound your nurse. (E. James Lieberman, MD, Potomac; David Genser, Arlington)
The more reckless the lame duck, the more he needs the dame luck. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)
I'd rather munch my crabs than crunch my abs. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Dr. Dre could rap to the beat, he just couldn't beat the rap. (David Genser, Arlington)
Rookie of the Week:
I strive for persistent inspiration, but instead I get insistent perspiration. (Taylor Simmons, Washington)
If I win this contest, someone will contest this win. (Stuart Solomon, Springfield)
Next Week: What Kind of Foal Am I?
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