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Copyright The Washington Post Company Apr 25, 1999

The two greatest highway menaces are drivers under 25 going over 65 and drivers over 65 going under 25.

-- Anonymous

It's not the men in my life, it's the life

in my men.

-- Mae West

Pain has this most excellent quality:

If prolonged, it cannot be severe, and

if severe, it cannot be prolonged.

-- Seneca the Younger

Marriage begins when you sink in his arms. It ends with your arms in his sink.

-- Anonymous

A scout troop consists of

twelve little kids dressed like schmucks

following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

-- Jack Benny

This Week's Contest is to create an original chiasmus. We got this idea from a delightful new book edited by Mardy Grothe: "Never Let a Fool Kiss You or a Kiss Fool You." The book is a homage to the chiasmus, an ancient literary form in which meaning is derived by pairing two words or phrases, and then reversing their order, as in the title of the book and the examples above. A chiasmus may also include playfully transposed sounds, as in "Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things." (We want original chiasmi only: No frontal lobotomies, please.) First-Prize Winner gets an elaborate plaster duck bejeweled with thousands of tiny seashells, carefully inlaid to suggest coloring and feathery texture. We are guessing that this fine artifact was crafted over many days by an elderly resident of a Florida retirement community. And when she was finished, she dutifully sliced a slot on the side. It is a piggy bank. She forgot, however, to make a hole in the bottom. And so the only way to harvest the money from this lovely ducky bank is to take a sledge hammer or a cinder block and . . .

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 319, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 3. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Lie No One Believes was written by David Genser, protector of the faith and supreme sovereign of England and Northern Ireland. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 316,

in which we asked you to supply captions

to any of six cartoons we provided.

Third Runner-Up: The symbol representing

the Artist Formerly Known as Minnie Pearl. (Norman Mallard,

Washington; Dave Ferry, Leesburg)

Second Runner-Up: The nearly immobile Ed Sullivan was an easy target for graffiti artist NINA. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

First Runner-Up: Calista Flockhart's pet aardvark.

(M. Graham, Arlington; Susan Reese, Arlington)

And the winner of Magic Pillow:

The terrible secret of Flemish cooking.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Honorable mentions:

Medicine for splitting headaches.

(Steve Fahey, Kensington;

Greg Arnold, Herndon)

John Bobbitt's Viagra bottle. (Matt McCoy, Bowie;

Todd Hakala, Alexandria)

Viagra for people who just want to get to second base. (Ed Mickolus, Dunn Loring)

Never ask a samurai to split a bottle of wine at dinner. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

You didn't think Bill Gates would just give his sperm away, did you?

(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Just a little something for your treble. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

DNA Exhibit 1267 from the Starr report.

(Bob Sorensen, Herndon)

Courtroom sketch of cartoonist Al Hirschfeld, after his arrest for stalking Nina Totenberg.

(Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tx.)

Last Halloween, Dan Quayle made his own Ninja costume.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Hard as he tries to deny it, Nino has a feminine side. (Mike Genz, La Plata)

Madonna unplugged.

(Russell and Chrissy Haynes, Silver Spring; Ralph Scott, Washington)

Cone-B-Warm, a product designed to keep ice cream eaters' hands warm, did not live up to its projected sales. (Beth Baniszewski, Columbia)

The world's worst marital aid.

(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Lassie never looked quite the same after rescuing Timmy from the steamroller.

(Jessica Lynne Mathews, Arlington)

The reason no one has a recipe for Pollen Stew. (Matt McCoy, Bowie)

Delia prepares hamboogers.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington; David H. Balaban, Charlottesville)

Lacking a fairy godmother, Cinderella attempts to sneeze herself a ball gown. (Maja Keech, New Carrollton)

Rookie of the Week:

While devouring a homemaker, the Blob laughs so loud his food comes out his nose.

(Mark Murphy, South Bend, Ind.)

Next Week: Pick Us a Winner


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Document types: COLUMN
Language: English
Publication title: The Washington Post

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