This Week's Contest: What are these things? Choose one or more. First-prize winner receives a Magic Pillow made in China. ("The Pillow of Calming the Nerves and Benefiting Brain.") It is worth $30.First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 316, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 11. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Ad No One Reads was written by David Genser of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 313, in which we asked you to come up with bad concepts for a new store in a mall. Many of you came up with funny names for ordinary stores. The best of these were "Turn Your Head and Coif" hair cuttery, by Jean Sorensen of Herndon; an exercise club named Kathie Lee's Sweatshop, by Fred Blake of Oakton; and You Look Fat Bluejeans, by David Kleinbard of Washington. Alas, these win nothing.

One great entry that was too popular to reward with a prize: The Nosehair Cuttery.

Fourth Runner-Up: Big Al's Mammograms (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Third Runner-Up: Planet Gaithersburg (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Second Runner-Up: Darlene's Butcher Knife and Inflatable Chair Depot

(Beth Biniszewski, Columbia)

First Runner-Up: Horsemeat Julius (Rick Kaplar, Herndon)

And the winner of the police/military coffee mugs:

The Caveat Emptorium – Specializing in defective and recalled merchandise

(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville) u Honorable Mentions:

The Hair Butchery (Ernie Isenstadt, McLean; John Verba, Washington)

Toner! Toner! Toner! (Wei-Hwa Huang,Los Angeles)

House of Questionable Mushrooms

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Family Porn Center (Mike Long, Burke)

SchnozCrafters – Affordable Nose Jobs in About an Hour (Nanci Johnson, Manassas)

Victoria's Really Big Secret – Sexy clothes for fat women (Dana Hogan, Centreville)

Queen Victoria's Secret – Corsets, corsets, corsets (Joseph Romm, Washington)

So You Want to Play Rugby (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Out, Out, Damn Spot! Pet Euthanasia Clinic (Mark D. Alves, Falls Church)

CinnaFish (Bradford R. Poston, Washington)

The Colostomy Baggery (Ken Rochester, Centreville)

The Out House – T-Shirts and Novelties for the Openly Gay (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)

Get Your Ass in Here Donkey Retailers

(Richard Davis, Arlington)

Laura Ashley Backhoes (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The Chia Petting Zoo (Trevor Uhl, New York)

The Clean Needle Boutique (Russ Beland, Springfield)

New Teeth for About a Buck (Bob Sorensen, Herndon)

Rookie of the Week:

Signs Made While-U-Wiat (Wei-Hwa Huang, Los Angeles)

And Last:

Beef Rectums R Us (Judy Katz, Gaithersburg)

Next Week: It's The List You Can Do