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Week 303: Boom Times

Sunday, January 3, 1999

Hard Rockers
Perfect Illumination
Replacing Your Eight-Tracks
"Fear of Flying"
Ordering dinner at 4 a.m.
Porch Rockers
Perfect Elimination
Replacing Your Hips
Fear of Falling
Ordering dinner at 4 p.m

This Week's Contest was proposed by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a black eye. This is a hilarious 1950s-era novelty that was donated to The Style Invitational by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a Dutch rub and a swift kick in the slats. Elden proposes that you come up with old and new concerns for the baby boom generation, as in the examples above. The winner gets a fine floral arrangement that would be very tasteful were it not clearly made of plastic of the type used for GI Joe, circa 1965. It is worth $20.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 303, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 11, 1936. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Sign No One Heads was written by Jennifer Hart of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 300, in which you were asked to come up with celebrity-brand products. But first, an apology to readers: Occasionally, a small mistake will creep past the eagle-eyed professionals who bring you The Style Invitational. That happened recently, when the fine print inadvertently indicated that the contest results were due on "June 8." The We regret the errot abnd are etaoinshrdlu taking steps to ensure tat thadt that URGENT DELETE ALL REFERENCES TO PENISES will not be repeated.

Third Runner-Up: Jack Kevorkian snuff. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Second Runner-Up: Tom DeLay ax grinders. (Philip Vitale, Arlington)

First Runner-Up: Bill Clinton lyres. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

And the winner of the Viagra pen:

Linda Tripp transparent double-faced tape. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Honorable Mentions:

Ken Starr's Obsession.

(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Bob Livingston Cheetos.

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Mike Tyson batteries.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Kevin Costner bombs.

(Paul Kocak, Syracuse)

Tom DeLay party whip. ("Extra sharp")

(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Hillary Clinton dry ice.

(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Ed McMahon foil.

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Calista Flockhart string beans.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Family Circus contraceptives ("When the mere thought of another kid is just plain revolting"). (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Kato Kaelin loafers.

(Meg Sullivan, Potomac;

Ralph Scott, Washington)

Adam Sandler flambe sauce.

("Guarantees a real flash in the pan.")

(David Genser, Arlington)

The Spice Girls dumbbells.

(Susan Reese, Arlington)

Rush Limbaugh lard. ("The right lard.")

(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Bill Clinton flip-flops.

(Mike Genz, La Plata)

Catherine the Great stud finder.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Dr. Cecil Jacobson Jiffy Pop.

(Jessica L. Mathews, Arlington)

Steve Jobs apple turnovers.

(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring;

Thad Humphries, Warrenton)

Larry Fortensky sponges.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Joan of Arc French toast.

(J. Larry Schott, Gainesville)

The New Republic glass cleaner.

(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Kate Moss flatware.

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Next Week: Picture This

Copyright 1999 The Washington Post Company

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