This Week's Contest: Imagine yourself the editor of a supermarket
tabloid. You are on deadline. You have to make up headlines that will
catch the readers' eyes. But unfortunately, your right wrist is a
spouting, bloody stump, the hand having been hacked off by a reader
enraged at a story that claimed he was the spawn of Satan and Zsa Zsa
Gabor. This small physical disability does not disturb you, because you
are, of course, drunk. So you write the day's headlines with your left
hand only. (This means you can use no keys to the right of the 6,T,G and
B.) Yes, this is a listless variation of last week's contest, but
intellectual lassitude is the juice that greases our presses. What are
you going to do, boycott this contest? We think not, once we have
informed you that the first-prize winner gets a book of elegant color
photographs donated to the Style Invitational by Tom Shroder of Miami.
Titled "Man Eating Bugs," it chronicles cultures that, y'know, eat bugs.
The cover shows a Cambodian child consuming a tarantula. Here is an
Aussie sucking down some fresh, dewy moth larva. Here is a recipe for
stink bug pate ("one-half pound roasted stink bugs, ten chicken livers
... ") and another for scorpion soup. This book is priceless. Tom wins
roughly $1 million, distributed in modest bimonthly payments over the
next 10 years or so.
Honorable Mentions:
The Holt-Ryan-Ose-Bayh-Weiner Act-Law instructing the populace in the proper method to restrain stampeding rhinoceri.
(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
The Sweeney-Crapo bill to honor the Demon Barber of Fleet Enema Street. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The Larson-Ose-Hill bill to re-legalize check kiting at the House bank. (Cy Gardner, Arlington; Jeff Berman, Washington)
The Lincoln-Lucas-Moore-Ose bill to engrave a smile on the the
president's grave countenance on his Memorial statue. (Yves Chretien,
Rockville)
The Holt-DeMint bill to compel hotels to use pure milk chocolate for their pillow favors.
(Sue Finger, Falls Church)
The Sherwood-Bayh-Udall prostitution legalization act. (Heather Crawford, Washington; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
The DeMint-Weiner amendment to prohibit the use of Altoids for
non-nutritional uses. (Barbara Gems, Reston; Mary Lou White, Arnold)
The Lincoln-Lucas-Biggert-Toomey act commissioning a study to
make sure the heads on Mount Rushmore are all the same size. (Dave
Zarrow, Herndon)
The Green-Bayh-Wu Louisiana wetlands restoration act. (Stephen Dudzik,
Silver Spring)
The Udall-Wu-Moore bill to compel health insurers to cover Viagra. (Alan Zirkle, Fredericksburg)
The Udall-Biggert-Weiner sweepstakes notification act. (Dudley Thompson,
Silver Spring)
The Bayh-Green-Miller bill to encourage the purchase of beer on St. Patrick's Day.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The Green-Bayh act prohibiting those idiotic cheesehead hats at football games.
(Lee Mayer and Paul Laporte, Washington)
The Bayh-Moore-Napolitano bill to permit the purchase of a second
box of Neapolitan ice cream even if some ice cream from the first box
remains uneaten, as long as it's only the strawberry. (Andrea Kelly and
Marcus Ferro, Silver Spring)
The Ryan-Shows-Terry bill to impose mandatory sentencing for preschoolers convicted of playing doctor. (Maria Deasy, Reston)
The Moore-Ose-Baird-Weiner act, vindicating any member of Congress for sexual harassment so long as he expresses sorrow.
(Dave Andrews, Williamsburg)
The Lucas-Crapo-Toomey bill banning dress-down Fridays in all federal buildings.
(Joe Dodd, Catonsville)
The Biggert-Tubbs-Jones bill to pay Paula Jones's settlement in popcorn. (David Genser, Arlington)
The Simpson-Ose-Moore-Toomey bill to increase compensation for Fred Goldman. (Susan Reese, Arlington)
The Shows-DeMint-Toomey bill prohibiting salary caps for pro
athletes (nicknamed "The Jerry Maguire bill.") (Susan Reese, Arlington)
The Green-Weiner act outlawing penis envy. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)
The Biggert-Bunning-Sherwood-Holt-Moore-Weiner act, setting size standards for hot dog vendors' wares. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
Next Week: Free For Oil