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  The Style Invitational
WEEK 299: ANOTHER LEFTIST RAG



illustration

This Week's Contest: Imagine yourself the editor of a supermarket tabloid. You are on deadline. You have to make up headlines that will catch the readers' eyes. But unfortunately, your right wrist is a spouting, bloody stump, the hand having been hacked off by a reader enraged at a story that claimed he was the spawn of Satan and Zsa Zsa Gabor. This small physical disability does not disturb you, because you are, of course, drunk. So you write the day's headlines with your left hand only. (This means you can use no keys to the right of the 6,T,G and B.) Yes, this is a listless variation of last week's contest, but intellectual lassitude is the juice that greases our presses. What are you going to do, boycott this contest? We think not, once we have informed you that the first-prize winner gets a book of elegant color photographs donated to the Style Invitational by Tom Shroder of Miami. Titled "Man Eating Bugs," it chronicles cultures that, y'know, eat bugs. The cover shows a Cambodian child consuming a tarantula. Here is an Aussie sucking down some fresh, dewy moth larva. Here is a recipe for stink bug pate ("one-half pound roasted stink bugs, ten chicken livers ... ") and another for scorpion soup. This book is priceless. Tom wins roughly $1 million, distributed in modest bimonthly payments over the next 10 years or so.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 299, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@washpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 14. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Sign No One Heeds was written by David Genser of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

REPORT FROM WEEK 296, in which we asked you to fashion legislation from the names of the new U.S. senators and representatives.

  • Fifth Runner-Up: DeMint-Green-Lincoln Pimpmobile Registration Act. (Dudley Thompson, Silver Spring)

  • Fourth Runner-Up: The Fitzgerald-Gonzalez-Napolitano-Schakowsky-Wu bill to keep out foreigners. (David Genser, Arlington)

  • Third Runner-Up: The Udall-Sherwood-Crapo bill to censor selected news items in order to protect common citizens from the shock of certain revelations. (John Kammer, Herndon)

  • Second Runner-Up: The Shows-Baird-Weiner-Toomey bill to compensate Paula Jones. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon; J.F. O'Donnell, Springfield)

  • First Runner-Up: The Kuykendall-Udall-Udall bill to improve acoustics in the House chamber. (Daniel Platt, Manassas)

  • And the winner of the Sandra Hull fanny pack:

    The Bayh Bill-articles of impeachment. (Mike Genz, La Plata)

  • Honorable Mentions:

    The Holt-Ryan-Ose-Bayh-Weiner Act-Law instructing the populace in the proper method to restrain stampeding rhinoceri. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

    The Sweeney-Crapo bill to honor the Demon Barber of Fleet Enema Street. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

    The Larson-Ose-Hill bill to re-legalize check kiting at the House bank. (Cy Gardner, Arlington; Jeff Berman, Washington)

    The Lincoln-Lucas-Moore-Ose bill to engrave a smile on the the president's grave countenance on his Memorial statue. (Yves Chretien, Rockville)

    The Holt-DeMint bill to compel hotels to use pure milk chocolate for their pillow favors. (Sue Finger, Falls Church)

    The Sherwood-Bayh-Udall prostitution legalization act. (Heather Crawford, Washington; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

    The DeMint-Weiner amendment to prohibit the use of Altoids for non-nutritional uses. (Barbara Gems, Reston; Mary Lou White, Arnold)

    The Lincoln-Lucas-Biggert-Toomey act commissioning a study to make sure the heads on Mount Rushmore are all the same size. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

    The Green-Bayh-Wu Louisiana wetlands restoration act. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

    The Udall-Wu-Moore bill to compel health insurers to cover Viagra. (Alan Zirkle, Fredericksburg)

    The Udall-Biggert-Weiner sweepstakes notification act. (Dudley Thompson, Silver Spring)

    The Bayh-Green-Miller bill to encourage the purchase of beer on St. Patrick's Day. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

    The Green-Bayh act prohibiting those idiotic cheesehead hats at football games. (Lee Mayer and Paul Laporte, Washington)

    The Bayh-Moore-Napolitano bill to permit the purchase of a second box of Neapolitan ice cream even if some ice cream from the first box remains uneaten, as long as it's only the strawberry. (Andrea Kelly and Marcus Ferro, Silver Spring)

    The Ryan-Shows-Terry bill to impose mandatory sentencing for preschoolers convicted of playing doctor. (Maria Deasy, Reston)

    The Moore-Ose-Baird-Weiner act, vindicating any member of Congress for sexual harassment so long as he expresses sorrow. (Dave Andrews, Williamsburg)

    The Lucas-Crapo-Toomey bill banning dress-down Fridays in all federal buildings. (Joe Dodd, Catonsville)

    The Biggert-Tubbs-Jones bill to pay Paula Jones's settlement in popcorn. (David Genser, Arlington)

    The Simpson-Ose-Moore-Toomey bill to increase compensation for Fred Goldman. (Susan Reese, Arlington)

    The Shows-DeMint-Toomey bill prohibiting salary caps for pro athletes (nicknamed "The Jerry Maguire bill.") (Susan Reese, Arlington)

    The Green-Weiner act outlawing penis envy. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

    The Biggert-Bunning-Sherwood-Holt-Moore-Weiner act, setting size standards for hot dog vendors' wares. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

    Next Week: Free For Oil

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