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The Style Invitational

WEEK 290: THE WORLD THEORIES
Sunday, October 4, 1998

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The Fast Food Line Theory: The longer the line, the longer it will take the guy in front of you to decide on a Value Meal.

The Big Butt Theory: The bigger the butt, the longer the acrylic fingernails.

The Yellow Light Theory: The closer you get to a yellow light, the slower the guy in front of you will go.

This Week's contest was proposed by Jean Sorensen of Herndon, who wins a T-shirt from the American Museum of Menstruation. Jean suggests that you codify some of life's more populist theories, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a huge, framed reproduction of an Elvis stamp, a value of $25.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 290, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@washpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 12. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Vacation No One Needs was written by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring. The Tyson's Chicken entry below was sent in by Dave Zarrow of Herndon. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

REPORT FROM WEEK 287,
in which you were asked to replicate the "Before and After" game from Wheel of Fortune, beginning with a name and adding to it a word or expression that creates a bridge of words.

  • Sixth Runner-Up: Lloyd Bridges of Madison County-A rootless photojournalist and a bored housewife have an underwater knife fight. (Ralph Scott, Washington)

  • Fifth Runner-Up: Rembrandt Van Rijn Tin Tin-The night watchdog. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

  • Fourth Runner-Up: Heimlichtenstein-A small country firmly lodged between Austria and Switzerland. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

  • Third Runner-Up: Darryl F. Zanuck nyuk nyuk-A slapstick filmmaker. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

  • Second Runner-Up: Roseanne Boleyn-Queen who kept talking after being beheaded. (David Genser, Arlington)

  • First Runner-Up: Anais Nintendo Gameboy-The pocket toy you really don't want to give your kids. (Greg and Kristine Griswold, Falls Church)

  • And the winner of the snake wine: Thomas Jefferson Clinton-President who penned the famous introductory lines: "We hold these half-truths to be legally accurate ... " (Douglas Riley, Reston)

    Honorable Mentions:
    T.S. Eliot Ness-Poet who wrote "The Love Song of J. Edgar Hoover." (Ralph Scott, Washington)

    Cole Porter Potty-Wrote many moving lyrics, including "Can-Can." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

    Jack Ruby Tuesday's-Where one goes to eat hot lead. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

    Alan Greenspandex-An ugly way to contain inflation. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

    Marco Polo for Ralph Lauren-Acquires goods cheaply in Asia, then sells them for an astronomical profit. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

    Boy George Gershwin-Composer of Rhapsody in Lavender. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

    Tom Daschle Hammett-Author of the Maltese Donkey. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

    Picabo Streetwalker-A working girl delivering satisfaction in 1.32.656 minutes. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

    Attila the Hunchback of Notre Dame-Nobody made fun of him. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

    Bobby Fischer-Price-Chess player who toys with his opponents. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

    Marilyn Monroe Doctrine-Post-Clinton regulations requiring all future presidential bimbos to be at least 30 years old. (Philip Vitale, Arlington; Susanne Lazanov, Reston)

    Madonna Reed-A 1950s TV housewife who could do all the housework and still have dinner and an orgy ready when her hubby came home. (David Genser, Arlington)

    Shoeless Joe Mama-The man who threw the World Series because the pitcher was so fat, when someone told him to haul butt, he had to make two trips. (Jessica Henig, Washington)

    Glenn Miller Lite-Big Band Muzak. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

    Alfred Hitchcock and bull-Film school midterm essays. (Jim Doyle, Trenton, N.J.)

    Aretha Franklin Roosevelt-President who said all we have to fear is disrespect. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

    Mister Rogers and Hammerstein-Short-lived duo who parted ways because Hammerstein's lyrics were "too racy." (Joe Ponessa, Philadelphia)

    Boy George Will-Singer of the hit song "Dogma Chameleon." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

    Ayn Rand McNally-A woman who thinks she's at the center of the universe and has a map to prove it. (Greg and Kristine Griswold, Falls Church)

    Ellery Queen Latifah-Detective. Raps up cases quickly. (Ben Llewellyn, Falls Church)

    Al Gore Vidal-An author with writer's block. (Dorothy Franklin, Columbia)

    Janet Reno, Nev.-A city not known for its gorgeous showgirls. (Susanne Lazanov, Reston)

    Mike Tyson's Chicken-And I'm not afraid to say it to his face! (John Q. Public, Anytown, U.S.A.)

    Rin Tin Tintin-A Belgian shepherd. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

    Cal Ripken Junior Mint-A refreshing little candy that lasts forever. (Roz Levine, McLean)

    Prime Minister Keizo Obuchi Kootchie Koo-A politician who diverts attention from economic crisis by kissing babies. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

    CIACLU-An organization that protects your civil liberties, but then has to kill you. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

    Oscar Mayer Lansky-Prime suspect in the disappearance of Salvatore "The Glazed Ham" Fondolini. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

    Betty Friedan Quayle-Author of "The Femanin Misteek." (David Genser, Arlington)

    Pollyanna Karenina-Someone so annoyingly cheerful it makes you want to throw yourself under a train. (Susan Reese, Arlington)

    Grace Slick Willie-Lead singer for the William Jefferson Airplane. (Daniel E. Klein, McLean; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

    Rene Descartes Before the Horse-I am, therefore I think. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.)

    u And Lasts:

    George Washington Post-Chopped down cherry tree, processed it into pulp, rolled it into newsprint, telling everyone about it. (Mary Lou French, Lorton)

    Washington Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc-"We said it was going to happen, therefore it happened." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

    Chuck Smith & Wesson-One of those stupid guns that fire a "Bang!" flag. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

    Chuck Smithsonian Institution-Features plastic vomit, taxidermized weasels, decorative colostomy bags and bottled snakes. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon; Stephanie Campbell, Alexandria)

    Next Week: Picture This

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