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The Style Invitational

Week 287: Before and Aftermath
Sunday, September 13, 1998

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Illustration by Bob Staake for The Washington Post

This Week's Contest was vaguely inspired by that inane game show "Wheel of Fortune," in which contestants are occasionally asked to complete a "Before and After" puzzle. This consists of a three-element phrase, the second element of which bridges the first and the third, as in "George Bush Leagues" or "State of the Union Jack." In this case, you must begin with a real name, append to it a word, name or expression that completes the bridge, and finally define the resulting phrase. First-prize winner receives a bottle of Vietnamese Snake Wine, a fine medicinal product (for "rheumatism, lumbago, and sweat of limbs") donated to the Style Invitational by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring. It contains a real, coiled snake that appears to be about four feet long. Stephen purchased this for 95,000 dong, which is roughly 7 bucks.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 287, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@washpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 21. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Contract Fine Print No One Reads was written by Niels Hoven of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 284,

in which we invited you to come up with questions for any of 12 "Jeopardy!" answers we supplied. A good entry too popular to reward with a prize Answer: The Ford Phlegm. Question: Under what other name does Ford market the Mercury Mucus?

  • Fifth Runner-Up Answer: Abraham, Martin and Sid. Question: Who were a president, a king and a Caesar? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

  • Fourth Runner-Up Answer: Salvatore "The Glazed Ham" Fondolini: Question: What did Salvatore "Prosciutto" Fondolini change his name to when he left the old country and came to America? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

  • Third Runner-Up Answer: Salvatore "The Glazed Ham" Fondolini. Question: Who rubs out his enemies by elevating their low-density lipoproteins? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

  • Second Runner-Up Answer: It's About the Size of a Watermelon. Question: According to DoD-STD-9283, Sub-paragraph 4b, how big is a watermelon? (Barney Kaufman, Manassas)

  • First Runner-Up Answer: The Ford Phlegm. Question: What vehicle will Ford dealers be hawking this fall? (Roger M. Firestone, Oakton)

  • And the winner of the gigantic ceramic peanut:

    Answer: The Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy's Underpants. Question: What is holier-than-thou? (Jami Cashell, Charles Town, W.Va.)

Honorable Mentions:

Answer: Speedy Alka-Seltzer, Wile E. Coyote and Ellen Sauerbrey

Who ya gonna call when you need quick relief, comic relief and tax relief? (Ralph Scott, Washington)

Who are three public figures whose past campaigns have fizzled? (Ralph Scott, Washington; Niels Hoven, Silver Spring; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

If you had a speedy Alka-Seltzer, a Wile E. Coyote, an Ellen Sauerbrey and a Mickey Mantle rookie trading card, which would your mother not throw out?(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Answer: The Ford Phlegm

What replaced the Ford Bronchio? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

What is a good vehicle for transmitting tuberculosis? (Geoffrey H. Thomas, Gloucester)

What is adding to the problem of traffic congestion? (Lee Mayer and Paul Laporte, Washington; Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

What car model is only slightly less disgusting than the BMW BM? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Answer: One of them $3 Street Ties

What could you buy at Camden Yards for $5? (Daniel Kravetz, Washington)

With what item does Hillary practice tying nooses? (John Kammer, Herndon)

What is the perfect accessory for one of them $10 Rolex watches? (Paul Styrene, Olney; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring; Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

What is less embarrassing to buy than one of them $3 street bras? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Answer: The Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy's Underpants

What is always in a bunch? (Frank J. Spina, Montgomery Village; Barney Kaufman, Manassas)

Where did Ken Starr's most embarrassing leaks occur? (Peyton Coyner, Afton)

How did Hillary explain the men's briefs found in the glove compartment of her car? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

What garment covers one's behind, yet is unbelievably transparent? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Answer: It's About the Size of a Watermelon.

What is really, really bad news from either your oncologist or your obstetrician? (David Genser, Arlington)

Answer: A Swiss Army Deodorant

What product is available only in a "neutral" scent? (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville; Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

What product do those multi-armed Indian goddesses use? (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Answer: Baked Arkansas

What dessert is made with ice cream, meringue and a chicken-fried pork chop? (Jason Zweiback, Livermore, Calif.)

What is inbread? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Answer: Salvatore "The Glazed Ham" Fondolini

What new nickname did Salvatore "The Pig" Fondolini adopt when he became a capo? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

To further throw off his pursuers, what name did Shlomo "The Schmaltz Herring" Klepperman choose in the witness protection program? (David Genser, Arlington)

Whose favorite singer and I'm goin' out on a limb here was Frank Sinatra? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Who, when he is ready to make a hit, "takes off the cloves?" (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

Who said, "But soft, what light through yonder window you want I should break?" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Who rubbed out Tony "The Artery" Petrocelli? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Who is reputed to be the new "capo di tutti capicola"? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Who is always the first Mafioso suspected of squealing? (David Genser, Arlington)

Answer: Ecclesiastes, Deuteronomy and Chlamydia

What are always, sooner or later, followed by Revelations and Lamentations? (Amy C. Egloff Baker, South Bend, Ind.)

What are the three things most commonly taken from hotel rooms? (Ruth Roberts Hendrix, Bowie)

What are three books of the Old Testicle? (Philip Delduke, Bethesda)

What three things promise an infernal burning? (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

What is a stupid way to remember you have to pick up eggs, dog food and Cheez-Its? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Answer: Sucking Out One's Eyeball With an Electrolux

How did Wes Craven modernize "King Lear"? (Sharon Neubauer, Great Falls)

How does Sammy Freem, champion Electrolux salesman, utilize his glass eye as a sales tool? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Well, what exactly IS covered by the GOP health care bill? (Ralph Scott, Washington)

Answer: Abraham, Martin and Sid

Who were tall, short and vicious? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Name two men concerned with freed slaves, and one concerned with frayed sleeves. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Answer: Yet Another Relationship that is "not appropriate."

What is a misplaced mortifier? (Geoffrey H. Thomas, Gloucester)

Next Week: Elevenis Anytwo?

   
Copyright 1998 The Washington Post Company

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