Yesterday upon the road I met a man with half a leg.

He looked at me with half a smile, held out a hand to beg.

"Good sir," said I, "half a leg is naught at which to sneer.

Why, Holyfield became the champ with but a half an ear.

"With merely half most any man can most anything attain,

Look how high Dan Quayle did rise with only half a brain.

There's no limit to the future of one who has but half.

Having half a liver didn't mute Edith Piaf!

"Half a loaf is all one needs to keep intact one's soul.

See how low John Bobbitt's sunk since he was rendered whole.

So that stump of yours, my privileged friend, is really quite a boon."

At which he half removed his pants, and gave me half a moon.

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

A saddened young trichina worm

Sits in waste abuzz with with flies

"How can I ever save the world

Stuck here, in this?" he cries.

But soon he got his break in life

By way of too-rare pork

When he entered someone's body

On the meat upon her fork.

Then the lass went shopping

At her local grocery store

She bought a nice fresh cantaloupe

(She could afford no more.)

Later, in her kitchen

Her intestines made their purges.

And as her gut was speared by pain,

She let go her recent purchase.

The bag landed on the counter

Out the window flew the melon

It fell twelve stories through the air

And conked an escaped felon

The woman's pain receded

And soon she bought a Ford.

'Cause for the nasty felon

There was a nice reward.

Alas, the crook had no such luck

In fact, his time was up; he

Breathed his last, but his kidneys

Saved a starving orphan's puppy.

Because the puppy didn't die

The orphan kept his hope.

His faith in God was strengthened

He grew up to be the pope!

So remember life's great lesson:

To yourself be true.

Whether you're a pontiff

Or a squirmy worm in poo.

(Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

The young boy found a quarter

Outside a grocery store

But instead of buying candy

He gave it to the poor.

It was sent to help a family

That was strapped 'cause times were hell

The father dropped it in a telephone

And got a job that paid him well.

For years that noble daddy scrimped

For his daughter's college day

And in that school she met her husband

Who, as a boy, gave that quarter away!

In married bliss they thrived

And soon started a clan

Their little girl grew up to cure cancer

Their little boy became U.S. ambassador to Iran.

So folks, just don't be greedy

Share that excess quarter

I know because this tale is true.

I'm that noble father's daughter!

(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Do you know someone who is glum?

Why not relieve his sadness

With a balloon of helium?

Do you know someone who is suffering from

substance abuse?

Why not take him to lunch

And let him order anything he wants, even

dessert of chocolate mousse?

Do you know someone who is filled with

tedium?

Why not show up at his doorstep with a mop

And wash his linoleum?

(Susan Keevan, Bethesda)

There's always one kid at the playground

Whom nobody wants on his team.

So this kid slumps, beat, on a lonely seat

And nurses a shattered dream.

There is always one pup in the pet store

That nobody wants to take home.

So it curls up tight in its cage at night

And moans to itself, alone.

There is always one poor homeless wanderer

Who has neither family nor caring.

Each day is the same; no one speaks his name,

So he roams like a loose ball bearing.

There's a place where every soul's wanted.

In a rainbow of kindness and care.

May his spirit soar when he sees, on the floor,

A celestial Welcome mat there!

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

A lonely but misguided youth

Lacking the will to live,

Decides at last to end it all,

With pills and booze and laxative.

The deed is interrupted

Fam'ly members intercede.

They place him in professional care

To convalesce at his own speed.

The endless days drag on and on

What must he do before he's freed?

One day he finds a Reader's Digest

And in boredom starts to read.

First, "Laughter, the Best Medicine"

Then "Life in These United States."

He grins and turns the pages,

And learns new words like "denigrates."

Then, the month's selections:

Tales inspiring and true.

Folks who beat their problems.

And emerged, remade, anew.

The message never wavers:

"You can do it if you try!"

He then reads of a lonely youth. . .

And soon he starts to cry.

This ride called Life can have a way

Of playing a wry jest.

That lonely little boy is me,

Publisher of Reader's Digest.

(Greg Arnold, Herndon)

Next Week: Expressing It Nicely