The Style Invitational Week 272: Picture This Sunday, May 31, 1998; Page F02

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 272, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@washpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 8. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Index No One Needs was written by Richard Leiby of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 269,
in which you were asked to help the Business Improvement District come up with helpful signage to alleviate problems in downtown D.C.

Fifth Runner-Up --
Problem: Geezers driving slowly in fast lane.
Solution: "Porkpie Hat Superstore. Exit Right Lane Only."
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Fourth Runner-Up --
Problem: People standing on street corners, screaming at sky.
Solution: "Stand Near Sign and Shout to Call for St. Elizabeths Bus Pickup."
(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Third Runner-Up --
Problem: Trespassing on grassy areas.
Solution: "Please Don't Feed the Rats."
(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Second Runner-Up --
Problem: Food on the Metro.
Solution: "You Eat It, You Share It" (drawing of someone eating a sub, stunned to see someone else eating it from the other side).
(David Genser, Arlington)

First Runner-Up --
Problem: Unauthorized use of parking spaces for the handicapped.
Solution: "Parking Reserved Only for Pedophiles and Cars With Handicapped Tags."
(William M. Powell, Arlington)

And the winner of Not The New York Times --
Problem: Traffic congestion on 14th Street Bridge.
Solution: "Runway 90L."
(David Litman, Arlington)

Honorable Mentions:

Problem: The middle class is fleeing to the suburbs, the infrastructure is crumbling, corruption is rampant, schools are under-funded and the government lacks the vision to even begin addressing the issues.
Solution: "Thank you for Not Fleeing to the Suburbs, Neglecting the Infrastructure, Being Corrupt, Under-Funding the Schools, or Lacking the Vision to Even Begin Addressing the Issues."
(Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles)

Problem: Pigeons.
Solution: "Pigeons. Your Natural Source of Viagra." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Problem: "Blocking the box," by trying to run a yellow light and getting caught in the middle of the intersection at 18th and P, near the Iraqi Embassy.
Solution: "No Blocking the Box. Violators Will Be Beheaded." (Jo Lombard, McLean)

Problem: Prostitution.
Solution: "City Not Responsible for Transvestites." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

Problem: No parking spaces downtown because people park and feed meters all day.
Solution: "Metered Parking -- Silver Dollars Only." (Jo Lombard, McLean)

Problem: Speeding.
Solution: "Nudist Crossing." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Problem: Panic in Metro station when ground seems to move under feet.
Solution: "Alert -- Elevator Actually Works Today!"
(David Genser, Arlington)

Problem: Crowded Metro trains.
Solution: All stations labeled "Grosvenor."
(Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

Problem: Crime.
Solution:"This Street Has Gone FIVE Hours Without an Act of Random Violence"
(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Problem: Edgy tourists.
Solution: "It Was Probably Only a Car Backfiring."
(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Problem: Full parking garages.
Solution: "Discount Rate for Ryder Trucks!"
(Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Problem: Jaywalking on K Street.
Solution: "Jaywalkers Will Be Disbarred."
(Dudley Thompson, Silver Spring)

Problem: Image of D.C. as an incompetently run municipality.
Solution:"Welcome to D.C, a Competently Run Municipality"
(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Problem: Micro-management by government bureaucracies.
Solution: Rectangular metal signs, four feet in width, two feet in height, of a depth no more than .1 inches and no less than .07 inches, displayed in every government building, spaced seven feet apart at eye level for a man of 5 feet 11 inches, saying, "Please Do Not Micromanage."
(Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles)

Problem: Long lines at Washington Monument.
Solution: "Elevator Out of Order."
(Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

Problem: People sticking hands in Metro doorways.
Solution: "Leave Hand in Door, Leave Hand in Door."
(David Genser, Arlington)

Problem: Declining tourism.
Solution: "Visitors! Be Sure to Tell Your Next of Kin About Downtown D.C."
(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Problem: Inappropriate partisanship in naming buildings.
Solution: "Ronald Wilson Reagan Blue Plains Sewage Treatment Plant."
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Problem: Middle class fleeing the city.
Solution: At all entrance points to D.C.: "Welcome to Bethesda."
(Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles)

Next Week: Yogi Bearer