The Style Invitational Week 263: The Game of the Name Sunday, March 29, 1998; Page F02

(By Bob Staake for The Washington Post)

This week's contest: Unfortunate product names. Choose one or more of the above categories. First-prize winner gets a commemorative ceramic ashtray, still fresh in its box, from the U.S. Pavilion of the 1964 World's Fair. This is worth $30.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 263, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@washpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Ear No One Reads was written by Richard Leiby of Silver Spring. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 260,
in which you were asked to come up with replacements for the hackneyed comeback lines "Is the pope Catholic?" (meaning "yes") and "When Hell freezes over" (meaning "never.")

To replace "When Hell freezes over":

Fourth Runner-up:
Just as soon as there are luge fantasy camps. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Third Runner-Up:
Sure, when they come out with non-alcoholic Ripple. (Art "Ranked 13th in Style Invitational wins, So I Don't Get Even a Mention in the Article, Not That I'm Bitter" Grinath, Takoma Park)

To replace "Is the pope Catholic?":

Second Runner-Up:
Does Kaczynski poop in the woods? (Alan Rosenzweig, College Park)

First runner-up:
Did Eusebius of Nicomedea protect the doctrine of consubstantiation by exploiting Constantine's fear of Sabellianism? (William F. Buckley, Jr., New York; Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

And the winner of the Mr. Potato Head massager:
Does Bill Gates fill out the long form? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

Honorable Mentions:

When the answer is obviously "yes":

Are you already a finalist for the Publishers Clearing House grand prize? (John Kammer, Herndon)

Did the CIA lie about the radio transmitter implanted in my buttocks? (Matt Brown, Silver Spring)

Could the White House use some inflatable interns? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Will the Enterprise avoid imminent destruction by inverting the flux capacitors, modulating the phase inducers and rerouting power from life support to engineering? (John Kammer, Herndon)

Can Suharto get a free meal in Jakarta? (Jose Cortina, Centreville)

Is the former pope dead? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Is the Whitehurst Freeway under construction? (David Genser, Arlington)

Where the answer is obviously "no":

Does Casey Martin have a leg to stand on? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

When slide rules make a comeback. (George Alan Esworthy, Cary, N.C.)

When "The Family Circus" introduces a gay character. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

When there's a perfume named Gangrene. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

When Miss Manners starts picking both nostrils at once. (Russ Beland, Springfield)

When Clark Kent switches to contacts. (John Allen, Charlottesville)

When car dealerships are not featuring their "best prices of the year." (John Kammer, Herndon)

When Dr. Laura has an affair with a drunken atheist who doesn't pay child support and lives with his parents. (Tom Morgen, Laurel)

Just as soon as they introduce "The Linda Tripp Barbie." (Robin D. Grove, Arlington)

When Janet Reno becomes "Justice Spice." (John Kammer, Herndon)

Format C: drive? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

As soon as Sidwell Friends installs metal detectors. (David Genser, Arlington)

When people are delighted to get their first copy of Modern Maturity. (Nora Belle, Washington)

When there is a "Pope Steve I." (Jose Cortina, Centreville)

When people land on the moon! (D. Quayle, Indianapolis; T. Witte, Gaithersburg)

And last:
When the Style Invitational takes criticism graciously. (Some buck-toothed, microcephalic mouth-breather from Inbred County, W. Va.; John Allen, Charlottesville)

Next Week: What If You Give It a Try II