Week 258 : It's A Bird. It's A Pain.

Full Text (895   words)
Copyright The Washington Post Company Feb 22, 1998

1. The ability to fly.

2. The ability to read minds.

3. The ability to communicate with animals.

4. The ability to belch fire.

5. The ability to become invisible.

This Week's Contest was proposed by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a rubber pig nose. Stephen suggests that you choose one or more of the super powers above and tell us what you would do with it. First-prize winner receives a vial of reindeer antler powder, a fine product for sexual potency donated to the Style Invitational by Sarah Worcester of Bowie. It is from Finland, and the instructions come in Finnish ("Hyppysellinen poronsarvi jauhetta aamiaisella kuumaan teehen tai kohviin sekoitettuna auttaa . . . "). Fortunately they are translated: "This powder helps you on the same evening or at least on the following morning after a good night reast. You really feel vigour into your body.") It is worth $50.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 258, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 2. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Dudzik cuts a fine figure, forsooth. Not long of ear so much as long of tooth. Next Week: Nostradamus ear credit. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 255,

in which you were asked to tell us what any of seven cartoons had to do with the ongoing presidential scandal.

Third Runner-Up: (cartoon G)

In a weird Dorian Gray twist, every time Bill Clinton does something sleazy, his official portrait looks more wide-eyed and innocent. (David Genser, Arlington)

Second Runner-Up: (cartoon C)

Coverage of this scandal stinks so bad that Post readers are forced to rub the paper with rotting fish to improve the smell. (Ken Huck, Fairfax)

First Runner-Up: (cartoon A)

Hillary has taken over the selection process for White House interns.

(David N. Johnston,Elkridge; Mike Genz, La Plata)

And the winner of the Elvis Rug:

Cartoon "A" completes the following SAT question: "M. Lewinsky is to as L. Tripp is to "

(Drew Knoblauch, Great Falls)

Honorable Mentions:

Cartoon A:

The Washington Post unwisely sends some old-guy cartoonist to do the courtroom sketch of Monica Lewinsky. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Ernie Bushmiller is an anagram for "Ruin Embellisher," which the scandal appears to be doing to Lewinsky, Tripp, Goldberg, Starr and Jones. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

Intern applicants without knees were sent home. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

Nancy has just passed George Stephanopoulos in the hall and is smiling because she is not wearing a bra! (Mary K. Phillips, Falls Church)

Cartoon B:

The independent counsel's crack team of investigators have immersed themselves in Whitewater. (Mike Genz, La Plata)

William Ginsburg needed oxygen while surfacing between talk show appearances. (Richard Stromberg, Front Royal)

Desperate for hard evidence, Kenneth Starr has divers scouring the bottom of the Potomac for used condoms. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Cartoon C:

Monica's Valentine's Day gift from the president was not exactly what she was anticipating. (Robin D. Grove, Arlington)

Cartoon D:

In Ted Kennedy's office, they try to avoid these kinds of problems. Here, an intern brings the senator his lunch. (David Genser, Arlington)

Sometimes, President Clinton resorted to having women smuggled into the Oval Office inside large pots of stew. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

White House launderers are kept busy round the clock, removing suspicious stains from presidential clothing. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Cartoon E:

A wanton soup, indeed.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Moo Goo Gai Cam utilized by Linda Tripp during her chats with Monica. (Mike Genz, La Plata)

Sources allege that POTUS ordered Chinese food during one meeting with Monica. Ken Starr immediately ordered his investigation expanded to cover Asian influence in the White House. (Vance Greer, Sterling)

Cartoon F:

The letters in this picture can be rearranged to spell "Ken Starr pukes me so." (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

Since Buddy already occupies the dog house, Hillary found different accommodations for Bill.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Bob Woodward has another clandestine meeting with "Deep Throat" in an effort to ferret out dope on the new scandal. (Paul Alter, Hyattsville)

This guy once panhandled a quarter from a woman who knows a man who knows the bus driver who drives Monica's manicurist's second cousin, Arlene, to work in Beverly Hills. He has already been subpoenaed. (David Genser, Arlington)

Linda Tripp's hairdresser after she went public. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Cartoon G:

Some hydrocephalics disapprove of Clinton's lifestyle. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

In addition to Barbra Streisand, Winona Ryder rallies to Clinton's defense. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The discovery of White House intern trading cards undermined the president's credibility. (David Genser, Arlington)

This is Monica's lawyers' defense strategy: She's just a wide-eyed innocent who has been framed. (Susan Reese, Arlington)

Next Week: The Pyle Invitational

ILLUSTRATION,,Bob Staake For Twp

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