Week 251 : Quoth the Maven


Full Text (796   words)
Copyright The Washington Post Company Jan 4, 1998

"I regret that I have but one lie to lose for my country." -- M. Larry Lawrence

"Don't give up the slip!" -- Marv Albert

"Don't worry, be harpy." -- Leona Helmsley

"It takes a pillage." -- Saddam Hussein

"Walk softly, but marry a big stick." -- Tipper Gore

"I'd never belong to a club that would have me as a ember." -- Joan of Arc

This week's contest was proposed by Greg Arnold of Herndon, who wins a Troy Aikman dashboard doll. Greg suggests that you take any famous line, change it by one letter only (add, subtract or change a single letter), and reattribute it. First-prize winner gets a vintage 1958 Ike and Mamie commemorative plate, a value of $50.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 251, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan 12. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. To Witte, With Gravity / We give Comments Laudatory / A Mouth is a Cavity / An Ear Is Auditory. Happy New Year. Next Week: Style Invitational Ear Credit. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 248,

in which we asked you to design our 1998 Style Invitational bumper stickers. But first, some old business. Six months ago, we ran a contest in which we asked you to tell us why you deserved to win a stupid dancing pig. Sarah Worcester of Bowie said that if she got the pig, she would get it a preapproved MasterCard within six months. Sarah didn't win the pig, but she did pique our curiosity. So we sent her a Mikhail Gorbachev doggie squeak toy (pictured) and challenged her to get it a MasterCard. Six months later, to the day, we received a mortified letter from Sarah confessing that she did not get "Mr. R. Gorby" a preapproved MasterCard. She did, however, get it an offer ("By Invitation Only") for a Platinum Plus MasterCard with a credit line up to $100,000 and a low introductory rate of 4.9 percent APR on cash advance checks and balance transfers. R. Gorby also received a letter from Time magazine and American Airlines certifying that "after a month-long selection process" it had been declared eligible to win an all-expenses-paid trip to St. Martin. (The official personalized entry stickers are pictured.) And last, most intriguingly, R. Gorby was also formally invited to the 12th Mid-Atlantic Intelligence Symposium at the Applied Physics Laboratory of Johns Hopkins University on Oct. 29 and 30, 1997. The squeaky toy did not attend.

And now, the winning slogans. The winner and runners-up will be made into bumper stickers.

Fourth Runner-Up: Official Authorized 1998 Style Invitational Bupmer Sticker.

(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Third Runner-Up: My Other Vehicle Is The Style Invitational

(Patricia Stansbury, Richmond)

Second Runner-Up: No Shirt, Sherlock.

(Harold Mantle, Darnestown)

First Runner-Up: The Few. The Proud. The Morons.

The Style Invitational

(Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

And the winner of the Hulk Hogan Mirror:

sses! We Got New Improved Pre

itational The Style Inv
(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Honorable Mentions:

The Style Invitational: When Sex Is Not an Option (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville)

Lose Face Now -- Ask Me How

(S.W. Green, Carlisle, Pa.)

"Czar" Is a Four-Letter Word

(Michael Genz, La Plata)


(John Oesterle, Burke)

Warning! Thousands of unscrupulous drivers are hitting the roads with bumper stickers featuring impossibly long messages in tiny type, in the hope that the car behind them will come up close to read it, after which the driver will slam on the brakes and collect a hefty insurance settlement. Don't be fooled.

(Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles)

Get over your road rage, YOU BIG IDIOT!

(John Kammer, Herndon; Peyton Coyner, Afton)

Where are the Bolsheviks when we really need them? (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

Mortified Child/Spouse of a Style Invitational Loser (Amy Fine, Bethesda)

Question Curiosity!

(Adam Pegler, Germantown)

F2 Brute? (T.J. Murphy, Arlington)

Visualize Crappy Humor

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Practice Random Acts of Braking and Senseless Swerving (Brad Kelly, Bethesda)

Czarship Enterprize

(Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

One Week at a Time

(Jim Rooks, Bethesda)

Next Week: Bad News, Good News

ILLUSTRATION,,Bob Staake For Twp; ILLUSTRATION,,Marvin Johnson For Twp

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