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|Copyright The Washington Post Company Nov 23,
1. Marriage is like a game of Monopoly because
2. Heaven is like a poem that does not rhyme because
3. The human body is like the Eisenhower Administration because
4. Truth is like a mouse because
5. Politics is like the birth of septuplets because
6. Life is like a box of chocolates because
7. Pantyhose is like the cosmos because it seems infinitely expandable
This Week's contest is to complete any of the above seven sentences. The contest was suggested by James Reagan of Herndon, who wins a Christmas tree ornament featuring a likeness of the United States Capitol. First-prize winner receives a Christmas card personally autographed by Karolyn Grimes, who played
Zu Zu in "It's a Wonderful Life," a collectible of such value as to be priceless. It was donated to The Style Invitational by Earl Gilbert of La Plata, who wins a copy of the Covenant of the League of Nations.
First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 245, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: email@example.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 1. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Ear, like all the Ears, was written by a man, Dick Furno of Silver Spring. The Ear is a boy's club. A fraternity of losers. Next week: Dave Barry Ear Credit. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes.
Report from Week 242,
in which you were asked to take cheap shots at venerable, wholesome institutions, such as God, Motherhood, the Girl Scouts, Lou Gehrig, and The Washington Post. We love the guy who wrote derisively of The Post: "If you don't get it, your smart."
Fifth Runner-Up -- Lou Gehrig: How good could he have been? He didn't even have his own shoe! (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Fourth Runner-Up -- Marital Fidelity: Sounds like the name of a bank. And just as much fun, too! (Cissie Owen, Beaumont, Tex.)
Third Runner-Up -- God: Who? You mean the deity formerly known as Zeus?
(Sandra Hull, Arlington)
Second Runner-Up -- The Washington Post: I love watching The Post try to appeal to young readers. It's like your clueless Great Uncle Mel at a family reunion, calling the teenagers "groovy dudes." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
First Runner-Up -- The Washington Post: It proves you can have a circulation without a heart. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
And the winner of the velvet matador:
"It's a Wonderful Life": Lessee, the hero runs an underfunded S&L right into the ground? It's the embodiment of traditional American values, all right. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga)
"It's a Wonderful Life"
I liked Bedford Falls the other way.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
That pasty-faced kid, Zuzu or Sulu or whatever the hell her name was -- who was her acting coach, Tweetie Bird? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Its direct descendant is "Touched by an Angel." 'Nuff said. (Noah Meyerson, Washington)
The Girl Scouts
The last time a girl looked fashionable in one of those uniforms was when Eisenhower was president. Why not put a big sign on them that reads, "Me Big Dufus." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
There's nothing wrong with trick-or-treating. It just needs its name updated. Something like, "Nice-House-You-Got-Here-It'd-Be-a-Shame-if-Anything-Were-to-Happen-t o-Iting (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
Trick-or-treating teaches you can get something for nothing. On Halloween, the adults should soap windows and rub Crisco on cars, and the kids would have to clean it off to get their candy. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
I'm in favor of it! I am going to practice it! I also plan on having peanut butter sandwiches at every meal, and I'm going to watch the same episode of "Seinfeld" as my only entertainment for the rest of my life.
(Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
If variety is the spice of life, marital fidelity is boiled tofu. (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring)
How valuable could the guy be? He only got a $1,500 signing bonus. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
Cal Ripken without the charisma.
(David Genser, Arlington)
Great role model for kids. He's a liar! He has a life-threatening illness, but he says he is the luckiest man on Earth! (Joe Kobyiski, Gaithersburg)
Remarkable! He hasn't missed a day of being dead in more than 55 years.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
They make Lou Gehrig out to be such a hero because he dies, but I saw him later in "For Whom the Bell Tolls," "Friendly Persuasion" and "High Noon." That whole death thing was faked. (Paul Alter, Hyattsville)
How come people say it couldn't have happened without God when they achieve success, but they don't say it when they get their leg chewed off in a manure spreader? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia; Paul Alter, Hyattsville)
What's with this capitalized pronoun, He? What a pompous ass! (Ed Lamb, Washington)
How come ever single mass murderer in history, including Adolf Hitler, had a mother? Doesn't that tell us something?
(Paul Alter, Hyattsville)
The Washington Post
It doesn't make a good paper airplane. It keeps veering off to the left. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
Let's have a few more stories about your brand-new printing presses! We care so much! (Edward Mickolus, Dunn Loring)
They tell me, "If you don't get it, you don't get it." So I subscribed. My sex life hasn't improved at all. What a crock.
(Sandra Hull, Arlington)
And Last: The Washington Post? Like a real newspaper would ever print anything I wrote! (Joseph Romm, Washington)
Next Week: Verse Than Ever
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