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Week 241 : Can You Beat This


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Copyright The Washington Post Company Oct 26, 1997

Tennessee Oilers Too Slick For Redskins, 28-14

In a Waltz, Tennessee Steps Over Clumsy Redskins

Packers Can Dolphins

This Week's Contest was suggested by last Monday's newspaper. The two headlines at the top appeared on Page A1 of The Post and Page 1 of the Sports section. They are examples of the brilliant but sometimes ludicrous art of the Sportsverb. Sports editors spend their pitiful lives writing headlines that must impart the predictable information that one group of mesomorphs has defeated a second group of mesomorphs in an athletic contest. So desperate are these editors to make these headlines interesting and different that they keep finding new and colorful synonyms for the verb `to beat.' (Mariners Gut Marlins, etc.) This week's contest is to come up with similar headlines describing the defeat of one pro team by another. (See team list below.) For purposes of this contest, a team may leap the confines of its sport to vanquish a team in another sport. First-prize winner gets a vintage Pee-wee Herman talking doll. The talking mechanism is broken. When you pull the string, Pee-wee just squeals like a delighted eunuch. (Maybe the talking mechanism is not broken.) It's worth $50. Special note: The deadline for submission of entries to Week 240 is hereby extended to this Friday because of technical difficulties the nature of which we will not here disclose for fear of embarrassing the famed Washington Post Computer Experts, who appear to have inadvertently re-routed all incoming e-mail to a single dental hygienist in the Azerbaijan Republic. It's up and running now.

Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 241, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. I drove through Gaithersburg the other day, met a guy with his name stitched over the breast pocket of his bib overalls. It said `Tom.' I ask him if he knows where the mayor is. He says, `I am the mayor.' Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 238,

in which you were asked to come up with Bart Simpson variety blackboard promises, for yourself.

Third Runner-Up: I will stop telling my children that every third Brussels sprout has a Tootsie Roll center. (Ellen Dean, Frederick)

Second Runner-Up: I am not a licensed gynecologist. (Howard A. Walderman, Columbia)

First Runner-Up: On airplanes, I will not program the screen saver on my laptop to display "COMMENCING DETONATION SEQUENCE." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

And the Winner of the Elvis wall clock: I will stop asking strange men to pose nude for me. Or at least I will pretend to draw something.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Honorable Mentions:

Backstabbing is just an expression.

(John Kammer, Herndon)

I will stop disguising myself as a 100-year-old man so I can make lascivious remarks to the check-out girls. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

I shall endeavor to eliminate all pretension from my writing, n'est-ce pas? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Vasectomies should be performed only by trained professionals. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

It is "Hello, Mr. President," not "Tremble before me, puny mortal." (Niels Hoven,

Silver Spring)

Taking off my clothes does not render me invisible. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Decolletage is not a weapon. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

I will not shine a Mag-Lite in a police officer's eyes as he approaches the car at night.

(David Vierling, Gaithersburg)

No means no, especially after she has dialed 911. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga)

Skydiving should always be voluntary. (Fil Feit, Annandale)

"Swearing in open court" is not what I thought. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

I will not use crack, have sex in prison visiting rooms, take lavish overseas trips at taxpayer expense, or use an assumed name. (John Smith, Washington; Russ Beland, Springfield)

I will not keep sticking my arm in the door just to hear that sexy dominatrix say "Doors closing, please stand clear of the doors."

(Russ Beland, Springfield)

I will not call 911 when I cannot find "King of the Hill" in my TV Guide. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

I will not sphroxify gullible people into looking up fictitious words in the dictionary.

(Russ Beland, Springfield)

I will not forget to set the photocopy machine back to the one-sided single copy setting, so the next user does not suffer from "Sorcerer's Apprentice" syndrome. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

An orifice is not sufficient for show and tell. (Tony Sebro, Ann Arbor, Mich.)

Using the pen name Jennifer Hart, though successful for lo these many years, is dishonest. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

I will stop thinking "Thirty days hath November, May, July and December." I hope you will too, now. (Loretta Gladsen, Washington)

I will not send a pizza delivery to the person in the front pew of the Washington National Cathedral during services. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville)

"Nice rack" is not a good icebreaker.

(Drew Knoblauch, Roanoke)

An au pair should be allowed to shower in peace. (David Genser, Arlington)

When company comes, I will not use those paper toilet seat covers for place mats.

(Charlie Myers, Laurel)

I will not hop on one foot and yell in pain whenever a car passes me close by in the parking lot. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

My dog cannot be the designated driver.

(Susan Reese, Arlington)

I will not drag suspects into a fake courtroom and have them sentenced to death in order to coerce them into talking. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

I will not gamble on the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

I will stop casting aspersion on West Virginia because I know that to Senator Rockefeller, them's fightin' words, by jiminy.

(Robin D. Grove, Columbia)

And Last:

The FBI does not care that the Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads has mysteriously disappeared. (David Genser, Arlington)

Next Week: Name That Toon

Hockey: Boston Bruins, Buffalo Sabres, Carolina Hurricanes, Montreal Canadiens, Ottawa Senators, Pittsburgh Penguins, Florida Panthers, New York Islanders, New Jersey Devils, New York Rangers, Philadelphia Flyers, Tampa Bay Lightning, Washington Capitals, Chicago Blackhawks, Dallas Stars, Detroit Red Wings, St. Louis Blues, Toronto Maple Leafs, Phoenix Coyotes, Anaheim Mighty Ducks, Calgary Flames, Colorado Avalanche, Edmonton Oilers, Los Angeles Kings, San Jose Sharks, Vancouver Canucks.

Baseball: Baltimore Orioles, Boston Red Sox, Detroit Tigers, New York Yankees, Toronto Blue Jays, Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Kansas City Royals, Milwaukee Brewers, Minnesota Twins, Anaheim Angels, Oakland Athletics, Seattle Mariners, Texas Rangers, Atlanta Braves, Florida Marlins, Montreal Expos, New York Mets, Philadelphia Phillies, Chicago Cubs, Cincinnatti Reds, Houston Astros, Pittsburgh Pirates, St. Louis Cardinals, Colorado Rockies, Los Angeles Dodgers, Sand Diego Padres, San Francisco Giants.

Men's Basketball: Boston Celtics, Miami Heat, New Jersey Nets, New York Knickerbockers, Orlando Magic, Philadelphia 76ers, Washington Wizards, Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, Houston Rockets, Minnesota Timberwolves, San Antonio Spurs, Utah Jazz, Vancouver Grizzles, Atlanta Hawks, Charlotte Hornets, Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, Detroit Pistons, Inidana Pacers, Milwaukee Bucks, Toronto Raptors, Golden State Warriors, Los Angeles Clippers, Los Angeles Lakers, Phenix Suns, Portland Trail Blazers, Sacramento Kings, Seattle SuperSonics.

Women's Basketball: Charlotte Sting, Cleveland Rockers, Houston Comets, Los Angeles Sparks, New York Liberty, Phoenix Mercury, Sacramento Monarchs, Utah Starzz, Atlanta Glory, Colorado Xplosion, Columbus Quest, Long Beach StingRays, New England Blizzard, Philadelphia Rage, Portland Power, San Jose Lasers, Seattle Reign.

Soccer: Columbus Crew, Colorado Rapids, Dallas Burn, New England Revolution, NY/NJ MetroStars, Tampa Bay Mutiny, Kansas City Wizards, Los Angeles Galaxy, Washington D.C. United, San Jose Clash.

Football: New York Giants, Dallas Cowboys, Washington Redskins, Philadelphia Eagles, Arizona Cardinals, Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Detroit Lions, Chicago Bears, San Francisco 49ers, Carolina Panthers, St. Louis Rams, New Orleans Saints, Atlanta Falcons, Miami Dolphins, New England Patriots, New York Jets, Buffalo Bills, Indianapolis Colts, Jacksonville Jaguars, Pittsburgh Steelers, Baltimore Ravens, Tennessee Oilers, Cincinnati Bengals, Denver Broncos, Kansas City Chiefs, Seattle Seahawks, Oakland Raiders, San Diego Chargers.

[Illustration]
ILLUSTRATION,,Bob Staake For Twp


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