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Week 240 : Adding Insult


prizes.

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Copyright The Washington Post Company Oct 19, 1997

"Over the years, if there is any false witness to be borne, William F. Buckley Jr. can usually be counted on to shoulder the burden."

-- Gore Vidal on

William F. Buckley Jr.

"And where does

she find them?"

-- Dorothy Parker on Clare Boothe Luce, upon hearing the famous playwright was always kind to her inferiors.

"She is the proverbial

good time had by all."

-- Richard Harrington on Madonna

This Week's contest was proposed by Michael Farquhar, who worked for years as the Style Invitational flunky before he received a promotion. Now he is the Horizon section flunky. Why, in a few years, if Michael keeps his nose to the grindstone, he might rise to be chief executive Washington Post urinal attendant! Michael proposes that you come up with elegant insults directed at any famous person, living or dead, such as the real encomiums above. The insults, delivered by you, must be withering, but executed with backhanded panache. First-prize winner gets a plastic Popeil Donut Maker, still in the box ("Press Plunger Then Release for Perfectly Formed Donuts -- Eliminates Rolling, Cutting and Forming Donuts by Hand"). It was manufactured around 1961.

Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 240, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 27. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Jonathan was lean but not too lean, not spare so much as sparse, the sort of man who carried a brown leather wallet and would accept a ride from the sort of man who would name a horse Willie, (which is not to say a gentleman, though one might find such a man who might well be a gentleman notwithstanding) and who distinguished himself from the dumber though nobler species with a fancy surname, which is to say a last name, which in some cases may also be a first name, which might borrow shamelessly from the grandeur of a saint, which might be, as it happens in the instant case, Paul. Next week: Seinfeldian ear credit. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 237,

in which you were asked to write Jeopardy! answers to any of 12 questions we supplied. For the answer "Sixteen paparazzi and a mohel," several people suggested: "Who are seventeen people who act on tips?" Many others chided us for what they thought was a typo. "You meant motel, not mohel," they informed us. No, we meant mohel. If you don't know the difference between a mohel and a motel, remind us not to have you make reservations for us. For the answer "A fish named Marvin," many, many people asked "What's really responsible for all those ugly wounds on Pocomoke River fish?"

Sixth Runner-Up -- Answer: A fish named Marvin. Question: What's the only fish that doesn't really mind being in fishnet? (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

Fifth Runner-Up -- Answer: Hitler, Pol Pot, Satan and Marv. Question: What are four names you'll never see followed by the word "Boulevard"? (David Ronka, Charlottesville)

Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: Marv, but not a paparazzo. Question: Whom can you give the slip? (Karen Todd, Bowie; Jose Cortina, Centreville)

Third Runner-Up -- Answer: Sixteen paparazzi and a mohel. Question: What's more fun than 16 Christians and a lion? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Second Runner-Up -- Answer: Sixteen paparazzi and a mohel. Question: Name seventeen people who are always looking for "a little skin"? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

First Runner-Up -- Answer: Sixteen paparazzi and a mohel. Question: What was the greatest hit of Tennessee Ernie Finkenbaum? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

And the winner of the Richard Nixon stamps:

Answer: Hitler, Pol Pot, Satan and Marv. Question: Name two mass murderers and two horny devils. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.)

Honorable Mentions:

A PAPARAZZO'S CONSCIENCE

What can disappear in a flash? (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles; Stephen Dudzik,

Silver Spring)

What is the only thing smaller than a sportscaster's vocabulary? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

SIXTEEN PAPARAZZI AND A MOHEL

Whose work involves capturing a slice of life? (David Genser, Arlington)

Who probably cut off princess Diana, and who definitely cut off Marv Albert? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Who are seventeen people who should not attempt to do their jobs on a motorcycle at high speeds? (Michael J. Hammer, Washington)

BECAUSE A PAPARAZZO WAS UNAVAILABLE

Why was a crash-test dummy used to reenact Diana's accident? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

ONLY MARV AND ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

Who could possibly make a less alluring Victoria's Secret model than Helmut Kohl? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

MARVIN GARDENS

Where do they grow snapdragons? (Ned Bent, Herndon)

What is a hotel on which Monopoly property offers hourly room rates? (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.)

MOSES, JESUS, BUDDHA and a PAPARAZZO

Which three great religious figures met Diana at the gates of Heaven, and what was stuck to the soles of one of their shoes? (David Genser, Arlington)

HITLER, POL POT, SATAN and MARV

Who are four people who have never announced a Knicks game while wearing men's underpants? (Saul J. Singer,

Silver Spring)

In Hell's most popular Double Dutch chant, what comes before "Steal babies' milk and watch them starve"? (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

A PAPARAZZO'S GRAVE

Where can a tabloid reporter always go to dig up something sleazy and disgusting?

(Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.)

A FISH NAMED MARVIN

What is the name of the next sequel to "Jaws"? (Robin D. Grove, Columbia)

What do you get when you cross a garter snake with a barracuda? (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.)

Next Week: Chalk It Up to Stupidity

[Illustration]
ILLUSTRATION,,Bob Staake For Twp


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