|Full Text (1150 words)|
|Copyright The Washington Post Company Jul 6,
I'M WITHered, unemployed, and downright STUPID
Yo, TOMMY i have a sneaking suspicion this is a counterfeit HILFIGER
GEPHARDT getting the nomination? The odds are maybe 1 IN 2000
I BELIEVE CLINTON has a lot of gall.
This week's contest was suggested by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a set of glow-in-the-dark rosary beads. Stephen was wandering through a political memorabilia store when he saw a T-shirt that read, "I SLEPT IN a motel two miles from THE WHITE HOUSE".
He suggests that you come up with similar signs for a T-shirt or a bumper sticker that hide the real message in tiny type. First-prize winner gets a beautiful plaque of wood on which has been elaborately mounted what appears to be the foot of a small hawk or a large chicken.
This is worth $50.
Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 225, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: firstname.lastname@example.org. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 14. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to apologize for last week's unprofessional, embittered outburst and to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for blowing it out his ear or something, plus what kind of a name is "Dudzik," I mean why not just name yourself Stephen Von Loser, or Stephen D. Geekstein or something? Also, Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.
Report from Week 222, in which you were asked to define new words formed by the headings on the top of the Yellow Pages. Many folks defined "airport-alcoholism" as the state to which nervous travelers must fortify themselves before flights, and "bail-bakers" as specialists in making cakes with files in them.
Sixth Runner-Up: Bungee-Burglar -- n. A thief who specializes in properties with floor sensor alarm systems. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville)
Fifth Runner-Up: Fireproofing-Fish -- v. Performing useless make-work, as in "He was a disaster as director of marketing, so they kicked him upstairs and they've got him fireproofing fish." (Philip Delduke, Bethesda)
Fourth Runner-Up: Needlework-Newspapers -- n. Amish periodicals. Most recent issue announced the end of World War I. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
Third Runner-Up: Beauty-Beer -- n. The last drink necessary before you decide that she is worth a one-night stand. (Jim D'Amico, Paineville, Ohio)
Second Runner-Up: Junk-Karate -- n. An art of self-defense featuring noogies and Indian burns. (Joe Ponessa, Philadelphia)
First Runner-Up: Bathroom-Bearings -- n. Innate ability that allows an inebriate to always find the lavatory. (Barney Kaufman, Manassas)
And the winner of the Betty Boop clock and calendar:
Lawn-Lawyers -- n. Weeds. (Robin D. Grove, Columbia)
Aluminum-Amusement -- n. The painful dating alternative before the invention of the inflatable woman. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)
Asphalt-Assisted -- adj. The primary method of death in Mafia-related cases. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)
Baby-Bags -- n. The puffiness beneath the eyes often seen in new parents. (Tina Winters, Arlington)
Bail-Bathroom -- n. A pay toilet. (Jack Wallenfelt, Upper Marlboro)
Business-CPR -- n. Chapter 11.
(Catherine O. Kaplan, Washington)
Carpet-Cash -- n. Money earned at the cost of a little rug burn. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Child-Chiropractors -- n. Schoolyard bullies who twist smaller kids into little balls.
(John Kammer, Herndon)
Chiropractic-Churches -- n. Houses of worship where the message is the massage.
(Michael A. Genz, Washington)
Contact-Contractors -- n. A euphemism for prostitutes. (Scott Douglas, Washington;
Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Convention-Copper -- n. A member of the Status Quo Police. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Credit-Crematories -- n. Bankruptcy courts. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Display-Dog -- n. The beautifully groomed and obedient pet that you show off to visitors, while hiding your actual scruffy, leg-humping mutt in the basement. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Driving-Druggists -- n. Not as well publicized, but every bit as dangerous as driving-drinkers. (Barney Kaufman, Manassas)
Editorial-Elastic -- n. A retraction. "Today's newspaper was filled with editorial-elastic." (Russ Beland, Springfield)
Escort-Excavating -- n. Digging up a date at the last minute. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington;
J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.)
Hair-Hammocks -- n. Strands of hair that balding men stretch across wide expanses of bare pate. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
House-Human -- n. The term by which most house-cats refer to the people who serve them. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington)
Gas-Gazebos -- n. Outhouses.
(J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.)
Language-Laundries -- n. Where well-to-do parents take their children to have their mouths washed out with soap. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)
Lawn-Lawyer -- n. A little statue you place in your front yard so the dogs will stop bothering the fire hydrant. (David Genser, Arlington)
Marriage-Mason -- n. A famous divorce attorney who never lost a case. (David Genser, Arlington)
Marble-Medical -- n. AMA slang for a psychiatric evaluation. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
Mattresses-Meat -- n. Easy prey at a night spot. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
Mental-Messenger -- n. A disgruntled bicycle courier. "Get nipped by a mental-messenger once, and you learn to step aside quickly on sidewalks." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington;
David Genser, Arlington)
Organs-Outboard -- n. A method of dress made popular in California, but illegal in other states. (Philip Vitale, Arlington)
Perfume-Pest -- n. Department store employee who preys on innocent shoppers, spraying them with the fragrance du jour. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
Power-Priests -- n. One of a set of religious action figures. Collection also includes the Pastors of Doom and the Wrathful Rabbis. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Roommate-Rubbish -- n. Stories women tell to keep from inviting men back to their apartments. "It was going real well until she gave me that roommate-rubbish." (Russ Beland, Springfield)
Screening-Screws -- n. See casting couch.
(J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.)
Sewer-Sewing -- n. Dressmaking style that features lots of piping. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
Television-Temporary -- adj. Denoting a short-lived state of apparent wisdom or knowledge. "We should all be thankful to Ken Burns for giving the country a television-temporary understanding of the Civil War." (Joseph Romm, Washington)
Truck-Typewriters -- n. The predecessors to today's safer car phones and car faxes.
(Paul Adams, Greensburg, Pa.)
Upholsterers-Vacuum -- n. The dead zone in a chair or sofa into which change, car keys and combs tend to fall. (Russ Beland, Springfield)
Vertical-Veterinarians -- n. Giraffe doctors. (David Genser, Arlington)
Wedding-Weight -- n. About three sizes ago. (Jane Hanna, Leesburg)
Woodworking-Word -- n. %&@+!, as in "%&@+! I cut my finger on the saw." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
Next Week: Attempting Reentry
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