RETURN TO MASTER CONTEST LIST

Week 220 : RSVP


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Copyright The Washington Post Company Jun 1, 1997

This Week's Contest was suggested by Dan Chaney of Clinton, who wins "Potty Animal," a tape of potty-training songs. Dan proposes that you provide an answer to any of the dumb questions from Week 217, listed below. You may choose the winner, or any of the runners-up or honorable mentions. First-prize winner gets a vintage 1991 Beldar Conehead doll, a value of $20.

Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 220, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 9. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 217,

in which you were asked to disprove the old maxim that there are no dumb questions. Despite our warning to the contrary, many people submitted tired old jokes, and some tired new jokes, such as why people call those things "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids." Also, some people asked good questions that were too clever to win, such as this one by Bob Sorensen of Herndon: "Wasn't the Army looking for trouble by calling them `drill' instructors?" Here's another, from John Kammer of Herndon: "Why could the Professor build a nuclear reactor out of coconuts but not fix a hole in a boat?" These violated the fundamental precept of the contest. The questions had to be stupid.

Sixth Runner-Up --

Excuse me, does this pharmacy carry that "date rape" drug? (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Fifth Runner-Up --

Why do people drive so close in front of me? Don't they realize it's dangerous? (Jerry Ewing, Fairfax)

Fourth Runner-Up --

Just where do you get off telling me what to do, Your Honor? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Third Runner-Up --

Do I, like, have a shot at boinking you? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Second Runner-Up --

Are you sure that's a spaceship behind the comet? Because I wouldn't want to make a mistake here. Okay, swell. Just checking. (Paul Styrene, Olney; John Kammer, Herndon)

First Runner-Up --

If you are not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? (Dave Ferry, Leesburg)

And the winner of the demonstration-model prostate gland:

If I win this week, can I have the $75 instead of the prostate gland? (Edith Eisenberg, Potomac)

Honorable Mentions:

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if he had a Stanley gasoline-powered wood chucker? (John Kammer, Herndon)

Where do I file a formal threat against the president? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

You know when you check off on your taxes to pay for the presidential campaign and they say it won't cost you anything? Well, why can't they do that and get rid of the whole budget deficit in one fell swoop? (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

What color codpiece do you think goes with this outfit? (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Why doesn't it tickle when I tickle myself, but it hurts when I stick a fork in my eye? (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

Did people in the olden days realize what fuddy-duddies they were? (Andy Spitzler, Baltimore)

Is there a separate schedule for listing embezzlement income? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

How many rejection letters do you think Chelsea got from colleges? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

dOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THIS "cAPS lOCK" BUTTON ON MY KEYBOARD IS FOR? (gRANT mARTIN, eLDERSBURG)

What do they do with the candy cobs? (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg)

Doesn't it count that I was thinking of you the whole time? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Tell me, am I gullible, Lady Fortuna? (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg)

Is there a Starbucks around here? (Nancy Funkhouser, Alexandria)

Why did you sit down if the seat was up? (Joe Ponessa, Philadelphia)

Are Ice-T and Ice Cube related? (Don Frese, Baltimore)

Format C: drive? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

If Kevorkian is such a great doctor, how come his patients keep dying? (Lee Mayer and Paul Laporte, Washington)

Why do college students abandon their educations and leave school early to sign multimillion-dollar contracts to play professional basketball? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

What does the A in UVA stand for? (Jan Verrey, Alexandria)

I know who killed Nicole Simpson. But who killed Ron Goldman? (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.)

War, what is it good for? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Are those people I see every day in Lafayette Square appointees awaiting Senate confirmation? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Does this crack come with a money-back guarantee? (J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.)

Do you think Mike Nesmith might replace John if the money was right? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

If a hole in the street is a manhole, is a hole in a man a streethole? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

And Last:

Why should we spare you the questions about who is buried in Grant's Tomb and why you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? (Hank Wallace, Washington)

Next Week: Calling the Toon

[Illustration]
ILLUSTRATION,,Bob Staake For Twp


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