Week 198 : You Must Be Mad II

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Copyright The Washington Post Company Dec 29, 1996

Special Interest Group Action to Infuriate Them

PETA" ............................. Chipmunk juggling" The tobacco lobby ................. Surgeon general's warning required on every cigarette NOW .............................. "Topless Fridays" Motion Picture Assn. of America ... Movie ratings done by an Amish-only panel

This week's contest was proposed by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a small but elegant piece of taxidermy featuring a frog playing the accordion. Stephen suggests that you come up with proposals designed to infuriate special interest groups. You must indicate the group, and then the proposal that group will hate. It can be any sort of idea: a fad, a trend, a policy, a new law, an ad campaign, etc. First-prize winner gets a rare vintage Pee-wee Herman adhesive dart board, circa 1987, still in its box, a $40 value.

Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 198, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Don Cooper of Burke for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 195,

in which you were asked to create Martha Stewart's December-January calendar. But first, an update: Last week, we promised we'd disclose the secret of Week 193, but for reasons involving advanced journalistic concepts too complicated for persons such as yourselves to understand, we have to wait another week.

Re: Martha's calendar -- The four runners-up are Dec. 11, Dec. 25, Jan. 15 and Jan. 25.

The winner of the Newt Gingrich mask is the entry for Jan. 31.

Dec. 1

Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

(Jennifer Earner, Vienna)

Dec. 2

Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Dec. 3

Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

(Virginia Ann James, Alexandria)

Dec. 4

Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they're all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Russell Beland, Springfield)

Dec. 5

Get new eyeglasses.

Grind lenses myself.(Ann Makowski, Alexandria)

Dec. 6

Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Dec. 7

Debug Windows 95.

(Paul Styrene, Olney)

Dec. 10

Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy. (Paul Styrene, Olney)

+ Dec. 11

Buy some cockroaches from the less fortunate; decorate eggs.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Dec. 12

Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.

(Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Dec. 13

Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

(Sarah Pekruhn and

David Winker, Washington)

Dec. 14

Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

(Tracy Kiely, Laurel)

Dec. 15

Replace air in minivan tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at the mall.

(Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville)

Dec. 17

Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire. (Lillian Wray, Annapolis)

Dec. 19

Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Dec. 20

Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

Dec. 21

Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers. (Aaron Goldschmidt and Dorothy Hickson, Arlington; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Dec. 22

Float votive candles

in toilet tank.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Dec. 23

Seed clouds for white Christmas. (Mimi Jordan, Gaithersburg; Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Dec. 24

Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

u Dec. 25

Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. (Kevin Vail and David Starn, Bethesda;

Jessica Steinhice, Washington)

Dec. 26

Write and mail Christmas thank-yous. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives. (Russell W. Beland, Springfield)

Dec. 27

Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

(Christopher Buban, Alexandria)

Dec. 29

Enter Style Invitational; win. (Stu Solomon, Springfield;

Ted Weitzman, Olney)

Dec. 31

New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions.

(Ann Makowski, Alexandria)

Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax; Robin D. Grove, Baltimore)

Jan. 1, 1997

Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 1997.

(Greg and Kate McMinn, Washington)

Jan. 3

Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

(Christopher Buban, Alexandria)

Jan. 5

Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Jan. 7

Lay Faberge egg.

(Maja Keech, New Carrollton)

Jan. 8

Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts into heat pump.

(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Jan. 10

Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Jan. 13

Spin silk cord to garrotte squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand-write staff their dismissal notes.

(Virginia Ann James, Alexandria)

u Jan. 15

MLK birthday.

Find out who MLK is.

(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

Jan. 16

Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

(Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

Jan. 20

Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

(Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Jan. 21

Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Jan. 23

Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

(Paul Kocak, Syracuse)

+ Jan. 25

Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know. (Sarah Pekruhn and

David Winker, Washington)

Jan. 26

Review the Christmas '95 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.

(J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.)

Jan. 28

Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes. (Greg and

Kate McMinn, Washington)

+ Jan. 31

Gild lilies.

(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Next Week: You Must Be Mad


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